lucky cracker

Once, twice, three times a shoddy parent

2007-12-20T09:04:00.000Z

The Spears didn't just do a bad job with Britney, undisputed car wreck of 2007, but they did an equally shoddy job with little sister Jamie-Lynn. At 16 Jamie-Lynn is pregnant and clearly looking to slip down the same slope as her crazy sister. Mr Spears is reportedly not happy about the news but he has no-one to blame but himself. One daughter veering off the rails is one thing but two? That takes some seriously misjudged parenting. Which makes you wonder about Britney and Jamie-Lynn's brother. What's he got in store?

Spanish affair

2007-10-17T15:15:00.000Z

I would never put 'Woody Allen' in the same sentence as 'healthy romance' but Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are forcing my hand. Both Spanish actors appear in Allen's new film, still just titled 'Summer Project', about a painter, his ex-girlfriend and some American tourists. It seems that art has spilled over into real life as Cruz and Bardem are now dating.

This is good on two fronts. Firstly, Cruz finally proves that she's more than just a Scientology puppet after all those years with alien dwarf Tom Cruise. As for Bardem, at least he didn't go for the obvious Hollywood choice, Scarlett Johansson, who also stars in the Allen film.

Third Time Stupid

2007-10-07T17:57:00.000Z

While Britney Spears patches things up with her mother (and hopefully gets some decent advice for a change), Pamela Anderson has picked up the stupid baton. And she is running with it for all she's worth. Not content with marriages to two other idiots (Tommy Lee and Kid Rock), Pammie has married Rick Salomon. You know, the guy who made a sex tape with Paris Hilton. Oh, and was married to Shannen Doherty. Yeah, he's real classy, just the kind of guy you'd want bringing up your kids.

Pammie clearly thought the wedding was so important that she squeezed it in between the 7pm and 10pm performances of Hans Klok's magic show in Vegas, where she is his 'assistant'. (And who knew there was someone called Hans Klok?). Some people pop out from work for a wax but Pammie had to take it to the next level. The lunchtime wedding. Just like a wax, it's quick and unlikely to last more than three weeks.

Hawaii Sex O

2007-10-03T15:53:00.000Z

And it just keeps on getting worse. Fresh from handing the kids over to KFed under orders from a court, Britney is now facing another potential personal disaster. Never mind the driving licence/hit-and-run incident - some guy in Hawaii is claiming he made a sex tape with Britney this summer and he's going to make it public.

Britney apparently met this guy at the bar of the Four Seasons hotel one evening in June. After more than a few drinks and no doubt a few snorts in the rest room, Britney took the guy to her room. Before getting down to 25 minutes of 'disappointing' sex, the guy turned his camera on and captured his lacklustre performance for posterity. And clearly for the huge amount of money he stands to make from either handing over the tape to Britney or selling it to some unscrupulous internet company.

So far, he's held back the tape because he's ashamed of his performance. No doubt he was distracted by all dollar signs flashing in front of his eyes.

Bye bye babies

2007-10-02T15:09:00.002Z

Well, the inevitable has happened. Britney is still on Planet Crazy-Fuck-'Em-All and has temporarily lost custody of her kids. A judge ruled yesterday that the kids go to KFed as Britney allegedly failed to take a random drug and alcohol test. And she couldn't provide a California driver's licence.

Though she hasn't failed a test, the outlook is bleak. The kids have gone, albeit for now, to the ex and there's a hit and run incident on police record despite the absence of a driving licence. Oh and a body guard who's happy to detail Britney's drug, alcohol and nudity habits for the world's press.

She's going back to court on Wednesday but the chances of getting the kids back are slim. If she can't be bothered to get a driving licence just how bothered can she be to look after her kids? What kind of responsible adult is she if she's willing to drive under the influence with the kids in the car? When getting to the shops is more important than your kids' safety, you have to question your priorities.

Bad Week for Bad Britney

2007-09-20T10:59:00.000Z

And things just keep getting worse. After her lawyer and management quit earlier this week, Britney was branded a "habitual, frequent, and continuous" user of "controlled substances and alcohol" by Los Angeles Superior Court judge Scott Gordon in her ongoing custody wrangle with KFed.

Gordon ordered Britney to have a random drug test twice a week, as well as ruling that she and KFed were to be "restrained from making derogatory remarks about the other party and the other party's family or significant other." Some chance but you can hope.

Gordon also ordered Spears to see a therapist at least once a week and hire a parenting "coach." In addition Britney and KFed He have to sign up for a Parenting Without Conflict programme.

Now most people would see this list of orders as a wake-up call, especially with key staff quitting left, right and centre. But not Britney. Oh no. So where did she go after the court hearing? Out drinking Winston’s and Hyde in Los Angeles, that's where. Not only did she drink but she was seen gyrating on tables. I'm not sure the judge is going to see that as the behaviour of a committed mother. It might prove to be the behaviour of a mother who needs to be committed.

Bye Bye Britney

2007-09-18T08:48:00.000Z

It's nice to see that Britney's keeping busy. As well as alienating her family, friends and fans, she's now lost her manager and lawyer Laura Wasser, who was representing her in the ongoing custody battle with KFed. Nice work for one week. Her management company, The Firm, were cryptic about their reasons for quitting but I think we can all read between the lines.

"It saddens us to confirm media reports that we have terminated our professional relationship with Britney Spears," said The Firm in the statement. "We believe Britney is enormously talented, and has made a terrific record. But current circumstances have prevented us from properly doing our job. We wish Britney the best."

I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking that the Firm really wanted to say that Britney has lost the plot, can't be bothered to work, is taking too many drugs and is about to lose her kids in a very public court case. Oh, and getting banned from the exclusive Chateau Marmont hotel in LA for walking around the corridors smearing food on her face. Not exactly the kind of client you want on your books. And not exactly the virgin princess of old.

Gimme No More

2007-09-10T15:27:00.000Z

The day had to come and it is most definitely here. Britney Spears' private life has been on the slide for a long time and now her career has very publicly hit the skids too. Billed as her comeback, Britney's opening performance at the MTV VMA show this weekend was poor beyond belief. We all know she lip syncs but someone forgot to tell Britney that she lip syncs. It had clearly slipped her mind over the last few months amid all that partying, hair shaving, child neglect and general self-abuse. So Britney didn't move her mouth in time with her own lyrics. Nor did she bother to move in time with her own music. Dressed in spangly pants and bra and oozing all the sexual allure of dead-eyed cow, Britney looked like a lumpen, talentless kid pushed onto the stage by her overbearing parents. If you're going to wear next to nothing, then lay off the beer and fries. I'm all for banning size zero lunacy but equally a beer belly hanging over your knickers ain't sexy. If you don't believe it could really be that bad then watch the whole sorry debacle for yourselves.

Broke-Up Mountain

2007-09-02T16:30:00.000Z

Well, who couldn't see this one coming? Only myopics who in the wilds of Borneo. For the rest of the world, Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams' break-up should come as no surprise. Young, parents by accident, filming all over the world - in short the usual recipe for celebrity romantic disaster. And yet they look so happy together.

Still, it will give the tabloid press something to chew over. Was there someone else involved? Will they get back together? What did his mother have to say on the subject? His cleaner? How long will it take for Michelle to be spotted having an 'intimate dinner' with Jake Gyllenhaal?

Gimme More

2007-08-31T09:26:00.000Z

More or what? Drugs? Booze? Inappropriate nudity? Bad parenting skills? Who knows what Britney wants more of but her single Gimme More is out on Monday. To hear her usual breathy tones tell you "It's Britney, bitch" (just in case you'd have never guessed) click here. Let me know what you think. Would you give her more? Or take it all back?

Oh, and just so you don't forget how classy she is, here's a recent picture of the woman in question. The top half is almost right but she's clearly forgotten her pants (again) but strangely not her winter boots.

Soviet Spice

2007-08-30T09:12:00.000Z

I just love Geri Halliwell. No-one else quite captures that unique blend of naivety, malice and money-grabbing in the same way. After parading her small child in front of the camera for hard cash, she's now bagged herself the ultimate cash cow: the son of a Russian billionaire. There's only one slight problem with Evgeny Lebedev, whose father Alexander Lebedev is the 194th richest person in the world. He's screamingly gay. Come on Geri, you hang around with enough bronzed and neatly coiffured gay men to spot one. The Russian blood only goes someway to explaining the white vest, shiny suit and Hitler haircut. The rest is explained by his lack of interest in a lady's front bottom.

Owen Wilson checks out - almost

2007-08-28T20:46:00.000Z

It just goes to show that there's a serious suicidal depressive lurking in the heart of every flaky joker. Like many a comedian before him, Owen Wilson tried to kill himself on Sunday. Why? Who the hell knows but I bet on-off girlfriend Kate Hudson is certainly running over and over that question in her mind. I'm not going to milk this one for laughs. Let's hope he's okay.

Blood, crack and apologies

2007-08-24T12:42:00.001Z

As if you didn't know it already, Amy Winehouse is in a right state. After bouncing in and out of rehab all summer, Amy was spotted earlier this week covered in blood. Her husband didn't look too clean either. She told Perez Hilton in a series of texts that husband Blake was slashed and splattered after finding Amy cutting herself. Why was she cutting herself? Because he'd found her about to do drugs with a call girl and said that Amy was 'not good enough for him'. He catches on fast, doesn't he. Anyway, here are the 'facts' in Amy's drug addled words to Mr Perez Hilton. She certainly needs to sort herself out before her alarming beehive weighs more than she does.

"Blake is the best man in the world. We would never ever harm each other. I was cutting myself after he found me in our room about to do drugs with a call girl and rightly said I wasn’t good enough for him. I lost it and he saved my life. He is an amazing man who saved my life again and got cut badly for his troubles. All he get is horrible stories printed about him and he just keeps quiet, but this i too much."

Who would think that this healthy-looking girl could turn into such a screaming crack whore?

And then we move onto Lindsay Lohan. Finally she's caught up with the rest of the world. Yes, she's admitted to being an addict but only, I feel, to avoid a lengthy jail sentence. Her statement has got all the genuine emotion of a Jennifer Aniston film.

"It is clear to me that my life has become completely unmanageable because I am addicted to alcohol and drugs. Recently, I relapsed and did things for which I am ashamed. I broke the law, and today I took responsibility by pleading guilty to the charges in my case. No matter what I said when I was under the influence on the day I was arrested, I am not blaming anyone else for my conduct other than myself. I thank God I did not injure others. I easily could have.

"I very much want to be healthy and gain control of my life and career and have asked for medical help in doing so. I am taking these steps to improve my life. Luckily, I am not alone in my daily struggle and I know that people like me have succeeded. Maybe with time it will become easier. I hope so."

Summer Madness

2007-08-12T18:00:00.000Z

Sheesh, I go on holiday for two weeks and I miss out on all the good stuff. Brad and Ange on the rocks? Looking at the cover of celeb magazines in the US you'd think they were definitely over but they've been out on the town to prove the opposite. Judging by Angelina's whippet-thin look, things can't be all that good. Some people might eat less when theyy're in love but they don't starve themselves as a rule. Odds on lasting out the year: lower than Britney's bikini line.

As we're talking about Britney, we might as well accept the fact that KFed will get the kids. He filed for primary custody of Sean and Jayden last week and is worried that Britney may be exposing the boys to "unnecessary risk." If unnecessary risk is leaving them at home while she's out drinking and whoring, then yes, he should get custody. Britney can barely walk in a straight line and she shaved all her hair off. Do we need more proof of her unfit parenting skills?

And then there's Mel Brown aka Scary Spice, who should really be known as Stupid Spice. Or Serial Monogamy Spice. Not content with getting knocked up by Eddie Murphy, she's now married some guy movie producer Stephen Belafonte. In Las Vegas, the beginning of many longterm, successful celebrity marriages (like Britney's 55-hour marriage to her childhood friend, for example). Belafonte is no picnic either - Belafonte is not his real name and he has convictions for assaulting a girlfriend. And he doesn't look at all like a scary-eyed psycho.

Mother Brown is understandably worried. "I think she's made a big mistake. How can you fall in love that quick? I'm desperate to speak to her. I feel like jumping on a plane and flying out to her, I'm so worried. I've read that he's got a conviction for assaulting his ex girlfriend and it really worries me." No shit.

Baby Spice has also been busy, this time producing a son called Beau. Of all the Spices, she seems the most sensible. She's had the same boyfriend for eight years and is not always out desperately hogging the limelight. Congratulations!

Double Trouble

2007-07-24T15:02:00.000Z

Rehab, what is it good for? In the words of Frankie Goes to Hollywood, absolutely nothing judging by Lindsay Lohan's current predicament. Two weeks out of rehab (or should that be smoking round a pool out of sight of the paps) and she's got herself into even more crap than before. She was arrested this morning in Santa Monica, California, for allegedly driving under the influence of alcohol. Not only is this the second DUI arrest in less than three months but police also found that Lohan was chasing another car at the time. And, she was carrying cocaine and driving on a suspended licence. She can kiss goodbye to partying and her career for a while and say hello to the orange jumpsuit.

Mugshot from TMZ.com

Football LA style

2007-07-24T14:52:00.000Z

In England, going to watch a football match went hand-in-hand with greasy burgers, woolly scarves and huge crowds of drunken men. In LA, going to watch football has taken a decidedly glamorous turn. Instead of fried food laced with salmonella and men swilling beer, you've got Hollywood stars and red carpets. Gone are the woolly scarves, football shirts and big white trainers and in come couture gowns, paparazzi and big hair. Oh and Scientologists, of course. David Beckham, you've got a lot to answer for. http://www.tmz.com/tmz_main_video?titleid=1119262352

Revenge is a dish best served for lunch

2007-07-17T15:51:00.001Z

Is your heart bleeding right now? Well, it will be when you read about the terrible time poor little Angelina Jolie is having. Apparently Brad took Shiloh to dinner at ex-wife Jennifer Aniston's house and Ange is not happy. Ah, our hearts collectively bleed for you. After cheating on Jennifer, publicly humiliating her and pumping out Brad's baby, a lunch is the least she can have surely. But according to Star magazine, Brad and Ange are over if he ever goes to lunch again.

"Angelina went totally ballistic," said the source. "She was shouting so hard at Brad that the veins were bulging in her neck. She told him in no uncertain terms that they were finished if he took Shiloh anywhere near Jennifer again. Angelina couldn't believe it. She asked Brad what the hell he thought he was doing, and why he was humiliating her like that."

This is the bit I love: "Angelina told him, 'She, Jen, is just loving it. Can't you see? She's in touch with your mom, too. She might as well move in with us.'"

You can see why Aniston is doing it. She's waited long enough to get her revenge, first with Mommy Pitt and now with Baby Pitt. But what is Daddy Pitt up to? No good, that's what.

The Devil Wears Pants and Little Else

2007-07-13T09:20:00.000Z

It's nice to see the Beckhams haven't lost their good, old fashioned values now they've moved to America. They certainly haven't been sucked in by the materialist values. You just have to check out Posh's new car. And they certainly haven't fallen for the superficial, vain Hollywood thing. Just look at their W cover. You can almost imagine them taking the kids to church on Sunday dressed like that. Or in any of the outfits featured in the spread. So, contrary to expectations, they haven't sold their soul to the LA devil only because they don't have any soul left to sell. Look inside their chests cavity and you'll probably find tattooed adverts for Gillette, Posh's jeans and just about anything these two cheap horrors will put their name to.

You Can't Stand Me Now

2007-07-05T15:57:00.000Z

Kate Moss does, it seems, have some standards after all. She has finally snapped after being pushed one step too far by cadaverous death wish boyfriend Pete Doherty. Now most women would have seen a serious heroin addiction as one step too far but not Kate. Nor did she see a string of arrests, rehab or a prison sentence as reason to run a mile from Pete. His rotting teeth, scarred arms and deathly pallor seemed to attract her rather than scare her off. With that relaxed attitude to a boyfriend's CV, Pete could almost be forgiven for thinking that a quick snog with another model would be alright by Kate. But apparently not. After Pete was spotted locking lips with a South African brunette called Lindy, Miss Moss stormed off to Paris with nanny and daughter in tow. Pete, meanwhile, has been left to move his random collection of tat out of her house and into a caravan. Ah, it's all well and good being a drug addled poet living in the lap of your girlfriend's luxury but it's quite another living in a mobile home surrounded by a broken piano and blood strewn canvases. I wonder who will snap first. Will he go begging to be let into her warm Primrose Hill mansion? Or will she give him another chance?

The Long Game

2007-06-21T08:52:00.000Z

Jennifer Aniston certainly knows how play the long game. Her husband might have left her for another woman but Jen can still throw a little chaos into his life. By maintaining a relationship with Brad's mother, who clearly yearns for the old days before Angelina, Jen has the power to piss off her replacement. What better way to eat away at Brad and Angelina's relationship than by hanging out with your ex-mother-in-law? You just know Jen and Brad's mother are not going to be talking about how Angelina is the best thing that every happened to him.

When you pitch Jen against Angelina in the mother-in-law league table, you just know who's going to win. Nice, inoffensive, good with parents-in-law versus weird, tattooed, good with perverted obsessives (Billy Bob Thornton). Angelina wins in the beauty stakes but that's not really going to win over all but the most superficial mother. She's going to want to see her son happy and settled not flitting round the world collecting children like this season's must-have handbag.

All those years of carefully nurturing her relationship with the Pitts is paying off. Never let it be said that Jennifer Aniston lacks strategic vision. Angelina might have Brad now but Jen has the trump card: his mum.

The Old Switcheroo

2007-06-20T18:13:00.000Z

Britney loves a fad. When she likes something, she does it all the time. Like Kevin for example. Or booze. Or drugs. Or having kids. Or plastic surgery. The latest fad is switching clothes. After switching her dress round (see post below) at the end of the night, possibly in the desperate hope of getting a shag but flaunting her enhanced rack, Britney has moved on to swapping clothes with someone else. She went into a nightclub in LA wearing the relatively demure long black dress. She then came out wearing her friend's shorter number. I suppose the only consolation is that Britney goes commando so at least we know she's not swapping knickers too.

Hot and Cold

2007-06-20T18:09:00.000Z

Victoria Beckham wants it all her own way. One minute she's practically swallowing the camera to get herself more publicity. The next she's all aloof and hiding from the assembled paps. Well, you can't have it both ways. You either court the press and deal with the consequences or you just don't play that game. And what's with the yellow hat, David?

A Chip Off the Old Man's Block

2007-06-18T09:41:00.000Z

Hating your dad is clearly far easier than hating your partner. Or yourself. Old Angelina Jolie famously detests her father, Jon Voigt, and has cut him off for the last five years. Why? Because she claims he cheated on her mother. Funny then that Ange cheated with Jennifer Aniston's husband and doesn't hate herself or, more importantly, Brad for it. Ah, the hypocrisy.

I'm sure Ange's wrath had nothing to do with Voigt telling Access Hollywood that she was "unstable". Fair comment, you'd think but no. Five years of excommunication.

But light is now at the end of the adulterous tunnel for Voigt. This week Ange said: "I am hoping my relationship with my father will be more private in the future. At the end of the day we both wish the best for each other and we'll try to start communicating in some way."

When they do finally meet at least they'll all have some common ground. In fact it could be a meeting of Cheaters Anonymous.

Green-thighed monster

2007-06-13T18:28:00.000Z

Ah Britney, did rehab teach you nothing? It certainly didn't teach you to buy decent wigs or to stop dressing like a slut. After one tequila too many you just can't help upping the slut quotient in your outfit. The green dress was never going to be demure. It covers more than most of your other dresses but let's face it, Katie Holmes is never going to wear it. But that level of ho is just not enough for you. A couple of hours down the line and you nip off to the toilet and switch your dress around. It gives the world more of your surgically enhanced breast but it also shows everyone just how big an impression your ass leaves in your clothes. It's like someone detonated a bomb in there. Do yourself a favour. Just put the thing on backwards to begin with. You know you want to, we know you want to so who are you kidding?

Good God

2007-06-12T09:35:00.000Z

Only Paris Hilton would conduct celebrity interviews from prison. And claim to find God in three days behind bars. In a phone interview with Barbara Walters from jail, Paris claims she is no longer superficial, has found God, wants to work with sick children and has not looked in a mirror since entering prison.

"I'm not the same person I was," she said. "I used to act dumb. It was an act. I am 26 years old, and that act is no longer cute. It is not who I am, nor do I want to be that person for the young girls who looked up to me. I know now that I can make a difference, that I have the power to do that. I have been thinking that I want to do different things when I am out of here. I have become much more spiritual. God has given me this new chance.

My spirit or soul did not like the way I was being seen and that is why I was sent to jail. God has released me. I feel that the purpose of my life is to be where I am."

I know He works in mysterious ways but he's surpassed Himself this time. Still, at least the transformation will only be temporary. The time it takes for Paris to pick up her $1000 handbag, mini dog and car keys.

Paris, Twin Towers Correctional Facility

2007-06-12T09:23:00.000Z

Oh how the rich airheads suffer. Not only do they have to conform to the law like mere plebs but they even have to go to the same jails. So, okay, judging by Paris Hilton's permatan, the orange overalls shouldn't pose any fashion dilemma, but sharing space with people who don't have their own TV show or chain of hotels? Dear God, no. It's a travesty of justice. So it's just as well that Paris is limiting her exposure with these nobodies by hiding away in the medical centre of the Twin Towers Correctional Facility. The sheets aren't 400-thread Egyptian cotton like she's used to but, with a buzzer by her bed, at least she gets a semblance of room service.

But why is she there? How many people get sent out of communal showers and canteen food to lie in bed whinging to their lawyers in the medical centre of a jail? Only the famous ones.

Spice Girls MKII

2007-06-08T21:46:00.001Z

I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. I don't want the Spice Girls to get back together but it looks like it's happening anyway. Posh is on for it and, despite her repeated rejection of the idea, Melanie 'Sporty Spice' Chisholm is on for it too.

There's nothing like five careers in stagnation to trigger a reunion. Sporty may be big in Germany but that's nothing to be proud of. The Hof is big in Germany too. Enough said. With another baby to bring up on her own (Eddie Murphy, you are scum), Scary Spice is clearly on for it too. Ginger can only milk her own child so far for publicity so it's back on the road for her too.

With a camera crew following her every anorexic step, Posh couldn't hope for any greater event than the Spice Girls' reunion. Meanwhile, she's making do with edging other celeb hopefuls into every shot. Check out Paul Sculfor, Jennifer Aniston's latest man toy, in the background on the left. Oh, and it looks like Victoria's forgotten her skirt again.

Woman of the Year

2007-06-06T17:07:00.001Z

Okay, so it's not the Nobel prize but still, you have to question Glamour magazine's logic. Why name Victoria Beckham 'Woman of the Year'? What exactly has she done for our gender? To me it says, 'why worry about poverty, world peace and pestilence, when you can wear hotpants over the age of 30?'. It's not the advice I'd want to pass on to the next generation.

So let's all follow the shining example set by Glamour's Woman of the Year. Starve yourself, cut your hair, drag your family across the world to feed your need for fame, parade yourself in expensive fashion but never have any style and, most of all tolerate, your philandering husband because you're not worth it. Glamour, you're never getting any money from my pocket again.

Wigging Out

2007-05-01T15:15:00.000Z

So Madge has new hair. But is it real or is it a wig?

If it's real, then she's stuck with a style that makes her look severe and masculine. Finally she's found the haircut to match her personality.

If she's trying to cover up her ageing face how about trying the easy option? Food. That sinewy, hollow face would look a whole lot better with a bit of fat on it. Despite all this talk of scoffing sausage rolls and pints of ale, Madonna clearly never lets a milligram of fat pass her lips. You only have to look at her husband's pissed off face to see that.

From Beyond The Grave

2007-05-01T15:00:00.000Z

It's been a bad week for Jordan's permatan hubbie Peter Andre. First he goes to hospital with suspected meningitis and then he discovers that's he actually dead. Never slow to wring a disaster out of a drama the British gutter press started circulating the rumour that Andre had actually died yesterday. It really says something about his 'popularity' (or maybe the lack of celeb news this week) that journalists immediately jump on the death bandwagon.

While Andre is already living some kind of half life as Jordan's well-oiled appendage, he is certainly not dead. At least his official website claims he's not. http://www.peter-andre.net/pages/news.htm

Once his illness has passed what are the odds that Jordan will be milking it for all it's worth? I see deals with tat celeb magazines and more TV series.

Rehab my arse

2007-04-30T19:39:00.000Z

Rehab has clearly worked a treat for Britney Spears. She's so obviously over all that exhibitionism, sluttiness and attention-seeking from her 'wild' phase. Cos we all go out in ripped fishnets, wearing a red bikini under a see through lace dress. Many's the time I head down to the supermarket in th every same outfit, particularly in winter.

There's no point pulling on that hem, Britney love. It's not going to cover anything up. It says something when your bald head is the most dressed part of your anatomy.

Marriage Crasher

2007-04-30T16:49:00.000Z

We know that Kate Hudson hasn't got good taste. After all she did marry a greasy, lank haired rocker with a huge beard, who looked like the goth progeny of ZZ Top. While Chris Robinson was always going to appear in brackets on Kate's marital CV (first husband 2000-2006), you hoped she would move up the evolutionary scale with the next man. Judging from this photo, the chances of that happening are slim.

I have nothing against Owen Wilson. In fact, I love Owen Wilson in all the films with Ben Stiller and Wes Anderson. He's languid, he exudes that Southern States swampy sexiness and he's funny. But he looks part tramp, part blow-dried lothario. The hair, which judging by his brother Luke's poker straight locks, has been permed. There might even be some mousse and finger-drying going on there. And he looks like he's been slumped in the sun drinking wine from a plastic bottle. Given how raddled he is, I can only assume he has other large hidden talents.

Bottle Blond

2007-04-27T19:40:00.000Z

Nice to see David Beckham is trying to blend in with his new Hollywood surroundings. To keep in with all the local stars who can't keep their lad in their pants (Brad Pitt, Robbie Williams et al), David has followed their style lead and bleached his hair. Theoretically he did it for a photo session for American fashion magazine W but nothing says 'Look at me, shag me I'm famous' like a bleach job. It adds a whole new mean to 'coming to America'.

Fairy Godmother

2007-04-24T20:23:00.000Z

You've got to hand it to that Geri Halliwell. She knows how to milk celebrity by just being a celebrity. Or, in the particular case, lining up a bigger celebrity to be her child's godmother. By drafting in her old pal Victoria Beckham, Geri has secured herself a hefty cheque from celeb magazines. With VB dropping in to hold the baby over the font, Geri got what she needs to keep the cash coming in: years of tabloid coverage as Bluebell's godmother stalks in for her birthday parties, first holy communions and various assorted celebrations. And you can guarantee that Bluebell is going to have a lot of parties to feed her mother's addiction to fame (and pay for her own private schooling no doubt). Spare a thought for Bluebell's godfather, poor old Kenny Goss (George Michael's partner). With the spotlight firmly trained on Posh, he's always doomed to be the bridesmaid and never the bride.

PS. Could Victoria Beckham be any browner?

April Update

2007-04-21T18:35:00.000Z

You go on holiday for two weeks and come back to insanity. Prince Williams has ditched Kate Middleton for another woman. We don't know who she is yet but British tabloids say she's 'naughty' and she's turned his head. Does that mean she's a commoner with common tastes or simply a posh filly with a taste for horse whips?

Courtney Love loses half her body weight and claims it was all down to dieting. On what? Rice cakes and crack?

Madonna goes to Africa with wardrobe full of bad sarongs and tshirts. Haven't those people suffered enough?

Britney Spears keeps her knickers and her wig on. That must be some kind of record.

Matthew McConnaughey is still screaming "I'm gay!" but no-one is listening.

Victoria Beckham still hasn't cracked a smile (or eaten) but worse still, she hasn't worked out how to just a Continental toilet yet.

Reese Witherspoon is still dating Jake Gyllenhaal.

Tom Cruise continues his mission to grow a fully formed pair of moobs. No long to go till you can buy your first bra, Tom.

And finally, sexism is alive and well. Angelina, says Star magazine, has "walked out on Brad", leaving him with the four kids so that she can start work on a new film in Chicago. While I question her pick'n'mix attitude to motherhood, I also wonder whether male actors make the same headlines when they leave their wife and kids at home go on location.

Fatal Distraction

2007-03-30T15:15:00.000Z

Whatever happened to discretion? In the old days, you'd cheat on your wife but pretend you were working late/having dinner with a friend/going on a business trip. These days, people can't even be bothered to trot out those well worn excuses. Or at least, David Beckham can't. Not content to keep his philandering secret (or as secret as he can with the world's press tracking his every move), Becks is now flaunting it in front of his wife. At meal with Victoria at London's Nobu restaurant this week, he spent the entire evening checking out a model at a neighbouring table. Victoria eventually got up and left without eating.

That has to be the behaviour of a man who knows his wife is never going to leave him. And, more damningly, doesn't care if she ever eats again.

And what's with the hair? Is he basing this season's look on the Hitler Youth?

Hello sweet Hello

2007-03-23T10:47:00.000Z

What does any recently adopted child need? Time to adjust to their new family, new country and new language? No, of course not, silly. A child shipped in from an orphanage in Vietnam to Hollywood needs their own Hello spread. It's what any self-respecting child is asking for these days. Forget toys, clothes and a trip to Disney, a wildly disorientated child unable to speak to anyone in its new family is crying out for a few pages between photos of Heather Locklear's latest date and bald Britney Spears playing tennis in rehab. I hope poor Pax Thien Jolie is at least getting a cut of the reported $2m Angelina and Brad got for the pictures, if only in compensation for the God awful name.

And Vietnamese boy makes four

2007-03-13T16:58:00.000Z

No baby is special in the Jolie-Pitt household for long. With the exception of Maddox, who had Angelina to himself for a while before Zahara turned up, new kids are only new, shiny and special until Mom's eye goes roving again. So pity poor Shiloh. Not only has Angelina said that Shiloh isn't that special because she's had it easy in life (hope Angelina has started a therapy fund for the poor child), but there's going to be a new kid in the pram to suck up her parents' attention. Yes, that's right, the Jolie-Pitts have been foreign baby shopping again and this time they've got themselves a three and a half year-old Vietnamese boy. And they started shopping for him (or, as they like to say, started adoption proceedings) just after Shiloh was born in May. Not many parents would take home their third child and immediately start casting around for their fourth. Unless, of course, they're famous, got staff coming out of their arse and have some huge gaping chasm in their lives that wealth, fame and a relationship just can't plug.

Blonde Ambition

2007-02-28T17:38:00.000Z

Moving to LA would be a challenge for most people. The smog, the skinny culture, the skinny celeb obsessed culture. Imagine, then, how Victoria Beckham feels moving from Europe, where she has the monopoly on being a front page skinny, to LA where every block is teaming with skinny wannabes. And on top of that nobody knows who she is until her new reality show goes to air. To remedy this slight recognition problem and stand out from a legion of skinnies with long swishy hair, Posh has gone for the blonde crop. Not many of those in Hollywood are there now? Unless you count Ellen De Generes.

Queen Helen

2007-02-26T17:36:00.000Z

Helen Mirren, arguably looking hotter than Her Majesty ever has, trounced the opposition to win an Oscar last night. In a town full of ageing celebrities with faces pulled tighter than a calfskin drum, Dame Helen not only triumphed in the best actress category but she also proved that grace, style and wrinkles win over surgery, Botox and butt lifts.

And her face moved, which is more than you can say for Nicole Kidman, whose features are permanently set in a beatific grin by the odd injection and a disastrous marriage. She brought hubby along to the proceedings but will she be dragging him down the carpet with her next year? I doubt it very much.

Naturally, no Hollywood evening is now complete with the original old rictus grin, aka Victoria Beckham, making an appearance. Perhaps conscious that her skinny limbs don't set her apart any more (who's famous and not skinny in LA? You can probably count them on the fingers of one bony hand), Posh covered up for once. If only she'd cover up completely. The full veil would for me.

Kids in America

2007-02-23T10:35:00.000Z

It's all happening this week. First there's Britney. Her family and agents think that the bald head warrants rehab so she's been in and out a couple of times over the last few days. Her commitment to doing something she's been told to do is so strong that she lasted 24 hours the first time and a couple of hours the next. I know rehab is Hollywood shorthand for 'contrition in return for increased record sales' but Britney obviously doesn't want to go and until she does, it's not going to work. Also, has anyone considered the possibility that rehab is not going to undo the damage done by years of fame and money. Group therapy and chanting are not going to change her personality. If they can change her choice of wigs, though, that would be a start. The girl has money but she still insists on buying white trash tat.

Then there's Mrs Beckham. If she carries on subjecting her children to this kind of attention then she can expect them to start shaving their heads and wearing cheap Marilyn Monroe wigs in about ten years time. Don't want to fuck your kids up, then don't expose them to the media circus. And don't complain about it. I wouldn't recognise most footballers never mind their wives. There's a good reason for that and it's because Victoria Beckham is a media whore. One look at these kids' faces tells you all you need to know.

And finally, just when you thought that Brad and Ange had been quiet for a while, the adoption roadshow is back on track. To add to their multi-ethnic brood, Brange have applied to adopt a boy from Vietnam. They saw him last November and have filed papers to bring him over. I can only assume that they'll be heading over to Africa for the next addition to the family just to keep the numbers even. And what about Latin America? They seem to be missing out a whole continent here.

Meltdown

2007-02-17T23:09:00.000Z

Things are quite literally not looking good for Britney Spears. After lasting just 24 hours in rehab in Antigua, she turned up at an LA tattoo parlour for two more alluring pieces of body art and then proceeded to shave her head. Completely bald. I know the extensions were looking ratty but that's quite a radical move. It won't make that much difference to her kids; after all they rarely see her and when they do her hair is usually a different colour and length. It will, however, make a huge difference to her record label. I'm guessing her new album might be slightly delayed now that the once pristine pop princess has become a card carrying skank. Suddenly pictures of a shoeless Britney using a public toilet seem like small fry. Britney trying to get more attention by shaving her hair off is altogether in a different league. Going bald isn't going to help you figure out why everyone suddenly hates you, Britney. It will get you attention but not the kind you want. Laying off the booze, drugs and partying, putting on some knickers and acting like a responsible parent, that might just help you win back some votes.

Birthday Rehab

2007-02-13T17:41:00.000Z

Unlike Amy Winehouse, who famously said 'No, no, no' to rehab, Robbie Williams has chosen his 33rd birthday to say 'Yes, yes, yes'. I know 33 isn't the most exciting birthday. It's no 18, 21, 30 or even 40 but you'd think that Robbie Williams could think of a nicer way to spend his own 33rd birthday. You can imagine the whole day will be a bit short on cake, balloons and champagne.

Never one to shy away from excess, Mr Williams has fallen foul of clean living again, this time hitting prescription drugs a bit too heavily. It's a grim way to start another year but, as one fan who would happily let him entertain me, let's hope Robbie takes one look at Amy and sees the lesson. Falling off the wagon and letting it reverse over you, repeatedly, is not a good look. Thanks to a diet of booze and drugs, she's gone from healthy to frankly horrific. Robbie, no-one wants to see you with that kind of gap between your thighs.

And the award for worst dressed goes to...

2007-02-12T14:13:00.000Z

...surely it's got to be Eva Green at this year's Baftas. Is this a real fashion statement or a tribute to the Munsters? The dress looks like it's been made from a pair of curtains taken from a Vegas brothel. Looking at the hair and make-up I can only assume she is a fan of The Cure. If she doesn't have a stylist, then she seriously needs one. If she's got one, then there should be one more person seeking unemployment benefit tomorrow.

And Thandie Newton's homage to the humble mushroom? Another one to file away under 'Expensive Mistakes'.

Britney's gonna get you

2007-02-07T17:02:00.000Z

Penelope Cruz, watch your back. Olivier Martinez might be yours now but there's new woman back on the dating market and she's on a mission. Yes, Britney Spears is now young, free, single and incredibly desperate to snort as much coke as possible and sleep with anyone. So, Olivier, your luck's in.

It seems that Isaac Cohen had more going on upstairs than I gave him credit for. He saw that Britney was prime car crash material and decided it would be better to get out. A 'friend' (ie some lowlife willing to sell out a friend for money) is quoted as saying: "He's been looking to get out of the relationship for a while. It was a bit much for him. There was a lot of drama - it was too much of a whirlwind. It wasn't one thing in particular. He likes her. They had a good time together. He was doing his best to help her out - but there is only so much one person can do." Could this be Fed's moment to move in for the reconciliation?

Unfaithful

2007-02-05T17:15:00.000Z

Olivier Martinez has proved that life can indeed imitate art. Or at least mainstream Hollywood films, which is just as surprising. After playing the Gallic cad in Unfaithful (plot summary: Diane Lane cheats on Richard Gere with a certain Frenchman), Olivier enjoyed the role was so much that he took it home. And in the end he liked the other woman so much that he dumped his girlfriend of four years, one very small Kylie Minogue. That in itself is cruel, especially for a woman who's gone through so much in the last year. But add to that Olivier's decision to dump her over the phone. Ah, a gentleman right to the end. Hopefully life will keep on imitating art because Richard Gere ends up killing Olivier in Unfaithful, rolling him up in a carpet and chucking him in a rubbish dump. Now that would be poetic justice.

Oh, and the other woman? Penelope Cruz, seen kissing Olivier hours after he 'officially' dumped Kylie. You have to wonder about Penelope's taste in men after going out with Tom Cruise but at least she's seeing a heterosexual this time.

All knickers and no trousers

2007-01-30T17:40:00.000Z

What's with celebs and underwear at the moment? First Britney can't seem to put any knickers on. And now Sienna Miller wears her knickers on top of her tights instead of trousers. And no, she hasn't just stepped out of a dance class - it's the New York premiere of Factory Girl.

I know she started a major trend with her floor skimming boho skirts, as well as a minor trend last summer by wearing a swim suit and mini combo around town. But she has also tried out other fashion statements with less success. The bowler hat anyone? I'm hoping this big knickers and tights look will go the same way as the hat for all our sakes. What Britney and Sienna don't seem to realise is that, unless you are a teenage boy or a sad man, there's such a thing as too much information.

Coming to America

2007-01-26T18:51:00.000Z

Its officially time to throw out your TV and start playing chess instead. Not content with achieving complete tabloid saturation, the Beckhams could be coming to a TV screen near you some time soon. In a bid to increase their fame in the US, the happy couple are considering an offer from the Fox network to star in their own Osbourne style reality show. Titled Living With The Beckhams, the series would follow them as they just used to life in LA. You can see the benefits for Victoria. With a camera crew filming his every move, when will David find time to stray? If you can't watch him when he's out of your sight, then why not have a professional film crew to do it for you instead?

Vic and Kate do Paris

2007-01-24T14:06:00.000Z

While the former Cruise companion Penelope Cruz is no doubt celebrating her Oscar nomination (see post below), the present bride of Scientology is busy swanning around Paris with new best friend and soon to be neighbour Victoria Beckham. And what a friendship that is proving to be. Who could have predicted that Victoria would find a sidekick capable of making her look stylish? Not me, that's for sure. But Katie Holmes has brought her ageing but moneyed aunt aesthetic to the table and Victoria is reaping the rewards. Just take these two black outfits. Victoria is actually looks demure but young. Katie, on the other hand, looks like a politician's wife at a funeral. After all that hard work to lose the baby fat, this outfit does her no favours even though she's probably whippet thin underneath the horrid tulip skirt. Scientology is evil in many ways but it's crimes against fashion are mounting up.

The Oscars

2007-01-24T13:48:00.000Z

It's that time of year when Martin Scorsese gets overlooked. Again. Could this be sixth time lucky for him? Will The Departed finally win him the best director Oscar and confirm what we all know anyway? Or will the Academy keep cruelly dangling that golden carrot in front of him?

Another longheld ambition could finally happen next month. Twenty five years ago British director Colin Welland claimed that 'the British are coming' when his film, Chariots of Fire, cleaned up at the Oscars. Now he could have just known that Hugh Grant would indeed be coming in Hollywood thanks to the nimble lipwork of a hooker. Whatever psychic abilities he had, he's finally been proved right. British talent is being recognised this year, with Helen Mirren, Judi Dench and Kate Winslet all in the best actress category. But given the British tendency to overshoot the mark (just ask Hugh) maybe Penelope Cruz will go home clutching an Oscar. She certainly deserves one for her performance in Tom Cruise: The Movie.

Best picture
Babel
The Departed
Letters From Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
The Queen

Best actor
Leonardo DiCaprio, Blood Diamond
Ryan Gosling, Half Nelson
Peter O'Toole, Venus
Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness
Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland

Best actress
Penelope Cruz, Volver
Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal
Helen Mirren, The Queen
Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada
Kate Winslet, Little Children

Best supporting actor
Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine
Jackie Earle Haley, Little Children
Djimon Hounsou, Blood Diamond
Eddie Murphy, Dreamgirls
Mark Wahlberg, The Departed

Best supporting actress
Adriana Barraza, Babel
Cate Blanchett, Notes on a Scandal
Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine
Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls
Rinko Kikuchi, Babel

Best directing
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, Babel
Martin Scorsese, The Departed
Clint Eastwood, Letters From Iwo Jima
Stephen Frears, The Queen
Paul Greengrass, United 93

Best foreign language film
After the Wedding, Denmark
Days of Glory (Indigenes), Algeria
The Lives of Others, Germany
Pan's Labyrinth, Mexico
Water, Canada

Best adapted screenplay
Sacha Baron Cohen, Anthony Hines, Peter Baynham, Dan Mazer and Todd Phillips, Borat Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
Alfonso Cuaron, Timothy J Sexton, David Arata, Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby, Children of Men
William Monahan, The Departed
Todd Field and Tom Perrotta, Little Children
Patrick Marber, Notes on a Scandal

Best original screenplay
Guillermo Arriaga, Babel
Iris Yamashita and Paul Haggis, Letters From Iwo Jima
Michael Arndt, Little Miss Sunshine
Guillermo del Toro, Pan's Labyrinth
Peter Morgan, The Queen

Best animated feature film
Cars
Happy Feet
Monster House

Best art direction
Dreamgirls
The Good Shepherd
Pan's Labyrinth
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
The Prestige

Best cinematography
The Black Dahlia
Children of Men
The Illusionist
Pan's Labyrinth
The Prestige

Best sound mixing
Apocalypto
Blood Diamond
Dreamgirls
Flags of Our Fathers
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

Best sound editing
Apocalypto
Blood Diamond
Flags of Our Fathers
Letters From Iwo Jima
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

Best original score
Babel, Gustavo Santaolalla
The Good German, Thomas Newman
Notes on a Scandal, Philip Glass
Pan's Labyrinth, Javier Navarrete
The Queen, Alexandre Desplat

Best original song
I Need to Wake Up from An Inconvenient Truth, by Melissa Etheridge
Listen from Dreamgirls, by Henry Krieger, Scott Cutler and Anne Preven
Love You I Do from Dreamgirls, by Henry Krieger and Siedah Garrett
Our Town from Cars, by Randy Newman
Patience from Dreamgirls, by Henry Krieger and Willie Reale

Best costume
Curse of the Golden Flower
The Devil Wears Prada
Dreamgirls
Marie Antoinette
The Queen

Best documentary feature
Deliver Us From Evil
An Inconvenient Truth
Iraq in Fragments
Jesus Camp
My Country, My Country

Best documentary (short subject)
The Blood of Yingzhou District
Recycled Life
Rehearsing a Dream
Two Hands

Best film editing
Babel
Blood Diamond
Children of Men
The Departed
United 93

Best makeup
Apocalypto
Click
Pan's Labyrinth

Best animated short film
The Danish Poet
Lifted
The Little Matchgirl
Maestro
No Time for Nuts

Best live action short film
Binta and the Great Idea (Binta Y La Gran Idea)
Eramos Pocos (One Too Many)
Helmer & Son
The Saviour
West Bank Story

Best visual effects
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Poseidon
Superman Returns

Rugrat

2007-01-23T17:41:00.000Z

Quite why Victoria Beckham is considered to be a style icon I'll never know. She might be Roberto Cavalli's muse but to me she looks like a spokesperson for Allied Carpets. Take this outfit, especially the rug that she's apparently just picked up off the nursery floor.

Her bag might cost more than my annual salary but it's just one jarring ingredient in a hideous mishmash of styles. Then there's the hooker's boots, the office worker trousers, the gym vest and the military cap. Whoever classes that little lot as style shouldn't try crossing a road without their guide dog.

Reality bites

2007-01-21T10:07:00.000Z

Reality TV has rarely ever done what it says on the tin - namely, given us any accurate picture of reality - until this year's Celebrity Big Brother. Finally, thanks to Jade Goody's relentless racist bullying of Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty, reality TV has shown us the uncomfortable truth. We might be a multicultural society but that doesn't mean there is racial tolerance or understanding, particularly among the ignorant of which Jade Goody is surely the flagbearer.

For someone who can't see that calling someone 'Shilpa Poppadom' is racist until someone else points it out to her, Jade Goody has been remarkably clever about milking her moment of reality celebrity. She's already raked in £50,000 for telling her side of the story since leaving the Big Brother house on Friday. Follow-up stories of her profound contrition (and rising bank balance) will surely follow. It just goes to show; ignorance pays. And here's where it started paying out in its full technicolour glory. http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/jade1.shtml

Golden Globes part II

2007-01-17T18:12:00.000Z

Beyonce's not the only one who needs a bit of help in the dressing stakes (see post below). Victoria Beckham could also do with taking some style tips from Helen Mirren. Out hunting for houses in LA, VB decided to skip the bra. Like we didn't know it was her under that cap. With that entourage, those massive sunglasses and, of course, the suddenly bigger but still unsupported breasts, who else could it be?

Golden Globes

2007-01-17T17:52:00.000Z

Will Martin Scorsese finally win an Oscar for The Departed? Will Helen Mirren get one for The Queen? Frankly, who cares? Certainly not these ladies parading round like peacocks in some borrowed dress. The awards season is all about the red carpet - who's a high-end success and who's a white trash disaster.

As befitting her status as Hollywood royalty, Angelina Jolie looked demure, well, as demure as anyone can covered in tats.

Cate Blanchett, usually the best dressed at any ceremony, was off par this time. Not sure the bustle is anything more than a catwalk concept.

As for Beyonce, did no-one tell her it wasn't a themed event? Just because it's the Golden Globes doesn't mean you have to wear something approximately a gold dress. Leave it to fiftysomething Helen Mirren to show her how it's done.

Hollywood called Victoria Beckham...

2007-01-15T10:52:00.000Z

... and left this message.

Victoria may be looking forward to the shopping now that Becks has got a contract in LA, but you can bet her husband is thinking of window shopping for something else all together. Madrid is one thing but Hollywood will be wall-to-wall wannabe starlets, all whippet thin, jacked up on silicon and willing to do anything to get into the big time. Posh allegedly convinced Becks to go to the US but she might be pining for Madrid before long. Or spending a lot of time praying at the Scientology temple with new bbf and fellow weak spirit Katie Holmes.

Another day, another loser

2007-01-11T10:58:00.000Z

KFed has obviously left a loser-shaped hole in Britney's life that she's desperately trying to fill with just about anyone (Paris Hilton to name but one). The latest candidate to fill KFed's old spot, one actor-model Isaac Cohen, should do the job quite well. He looks like KFed, he dresses like KFed and, just like KFed, he seems to think that we all want to see his pants (in the British sense of the word). Britney might want to get into them but I certainly don't want see half of them spilling out of his jeans. I can only assume I'm getting old.

The Five Year (and 12 month) Itch

2007-01-10T15:14:00.000Z

So, week two of 2007 and the body count is rising. Not only has Justin Timberlake ditched Cameron Diaz (was is the brown hair, Jus?), but Drew Barrymore has reportedly told boyfriend Fabrizio Moretti that she needs 'time off'. In the real world I'm not so sure that concept would fly with many couples. 'Darling, we've been together for five years but I need some time off. I want to sleep with other people/shop/travel (delete as applicable).'

Someone who should have checked if his wife was up for the 'time off' idea was Marilyn Manson. Less than a year after marrying Dita von Teese they are getting divorced because he's dating 19 year-old actress Evan Rachel Wood. Maybe he didn't read the wedding vows or maybe, just maybe, he's just a scummy lowlife dating a girl half his age. Bet Evan's parents are just thrilled.

Ringing the Changes?

2007-01-08T10:27:00.000Z

Now I don't want to mislead anyone rooting for Victoria Beckham to ditch her philandering husband but I'm going to anyway. Victoria, as you can see from this picture, is not wearing her wedding ring. She's wearing a huge rock instead. Is this just the right accessory for her dress or a statement about her marriage? You decide.

Animal love

2007-01-05T18:13:00.000Z

If this photo hadn't had a caption, I'd never have guessed that it was Courtney Love. She's gradually morphing into that awful cat woman, Jocelyn Wildenstein.
A few more procedures and she's there. I'm guessing her date's eyesight is fading last. He dated Courtney in the 1990s and if he can still recognise her, then he's on as many mind altering substances as Courtney.

Tumble and fall

2007-01-05T18:00:00.000Z

Does this sound like grovelling to you? Because, from where I'm sitting, it does. In an address to her 'fans' on her website, Britney claims to be more mature and 'free'. I think we can all safely say that she's free with her underwear choices and her consumption of alcohol. As for mature? I've seen pieces of Stilton with more maturity.

Apparently, with the media turning on her and a terrible new album, Britney is finally getting on her knees before her dwindling fans. And no, not like that. Not yet anyway. Come back after the new album has been released and Britney might well have to start turning tricks of a different kind.

Dear Fans,

It has been a while since I've addressed you personally here on my official website. The last couple of years have been quite a ride for me, the media has criticized my every move and printed a skewed perception of who I really am as a human being. Behind every decision I have made in my public life there always seems to be an apparent contradiction. I have come to terms with that which is why I usually don't pay much attention to it.

The last couple of years have been very enlightening for me and now that I've had the time to be "me," I've been able to sit down and think about where I want to go with myself as an entertainer with absolutely no strings attached. I am now more mature and feel like I am finally "free." I've been working so hard on this new album and I can't wait for you all to hear it and to go on tour again! I would like to exclusively tell you that I am working hard to release the new album sometime later this year, but the date is of course not certain yet. I look forward to coming back this year bigger and better than ever, and to also reaching out to my fans on a more personal level. I noticed today that one of my biggest fansites is shutting down soon and I want you all to know that I do understand all the reasons that went behind making that decision, and I am sad to see it closing. If I were you I'd be unhappy too if I had to read what I've been reading every day. But trust me, I get it. I know I've been far from perfect and the media has had a lot of fun exaggerating my every move, but I want you all to know that I love my fans so much, and I appreciate everything you have done for me, so Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

Love,
Britney

http://www.britneyspears.com/

Happy New Year

2007-01-03T16:30:00.000Z

We're just three days into the New Year and already the fatalities are piling up. First off is Kate Moss, a woman who can bounce back from public crack use to huge riches. She may have racked up the contracts since being photographed doing drugs but will she keep raking in the money now that she has apparently married her crack guru, Pete Doherty?

Moss and Doherty are said to have tied the knot in Thailand at some sort of candle lit ceremony though I'm not totally convinced that an onlooker didn't confused lighting up the crack pipe with a teelight. The fashion industry clearly doesn't give a shit about Moss's drug use - she sells their stuff, she gets their money. Anything else doesn't matter. However, what will social services have to say about Doherty being a permanent fixture in Moss's daughter's life? Hopefully, a lot. Would you want your children waking up to this man everyday?
And, of course, where would we be without Britney Spears falling down drunk somewhere? New Year's Eve saw the hard-drinking single mother out in Vegas. After hitting the champagne all night Britney then passed out and have to be carried out. Her publicist naturally denies this but it's Britney. She doesn't wear knickers and she can't hold her drink.
And finallly, I have nothing particular to say about Christina Aguillera other than lay off the fake tan. You are orange. And no, that's not a good thing.

Merry Ex-mas

2006-12-26T23:35:00.000Z

Now who do you think cheated on his A-list wife with this catalogue model? I admit it's not an easy one to answer - it could be any one of a long list of famous culprits but in this particular case it's Mr Nicole Kidman aka Keith Urban. According to the model, one Amanda Wyatt, Keith was a regular 'visitor' from 2004 until a month before he married Nicole in May. She also claims they started seeing each other again in October this year around the time he checked into rehab.

Apart from dropping the obvious bombshell - that he was cheating on his pristine wife - Amanda also reveals some lovely facets to Keith's personality. "When we made love he never used protection," she said in an interview. "Whenever he was in town we'd see each other two or three times a week. We'd drink and party and make love and (were) constantly on drugs. He drank constantly – his favourite was Crown Royal Reserve whisky – and he did drugs. Ecstasy, cocaine, pot – you name it."

Now rehab can hopefully help with a whole feast of addictions and compulsions but it can't stop you being a complete asshole. Once a cheating asshole, always a cheating asshole.

Christmas Puddings

2006-12-23T11:33:00.000Z

Buying a Christmas present for Victoria Beckham must be a nightmare. What do you buy a woman who has turned designer shopping into an Olympic sport? Her family may not know what to buy her but Victoria has been shopping for herself already and she knew exactly what she wanted - a new pair of fake breasts. Nothing reminds you of the birth of baby Jesus like silicon implants and some fresh scars.

The breasts might be new (and frankly, horribly out of proportion with her withered frame) but the story behind them is getting very, very old. He's lowlife cheating scum. Ditch him. Enjoy being single for a bit. Then get yourself someone who loves you and can keep his John Thomas in his pants. How many times are we going to have to go over this?

And a merry Christmas to you all!

Happy Birthday Mom

2006-12-19T18:35:00.000Z

What do most mothers get for their birthdays? Perfume, handbags and chocolate must come high on the list but Britney Spears had other ideas when she celebrated her mother's birthday in LA. There was certainly no handbag on the menu for Ma Spears just the sight of her daughter gyrating in a see-through lace dress on the stage at burlesque club 40 Deuce. And old Britney wasn't just on stage for a quick turn. With a cigar clamped in her mouth, she gyrated for so long that she held up the performance and the management finally had to ask her to go back to her seat. I can only imagine Ma Spears must have been so proud, especially just after seeing pictures of Britney exiting a bush outside another LA club with interesting stains on her skirt.

Knowing Britney's rampant lack of hygiene (visiting public toilets barefoot, anyone?) I'm guessing she was relieving herself among the plants but who knows the real reason could be a whole lot dirtier.

Young, free and oh no, I'm not single

2006-12-15T14:34:00.000Z

Footballers are never famed for their IQs, after all kicking a ball is not exactly the most intellectually demanding of activities. Spare a thought then for David Beckham. He can kick balls but he can't quite get his thick skull around one of the basic tenets of marriage - fidelity - and therefore needs to have his balls kicked. Very hard. Preferably by an overweight trucker in stilettos.

Apparently David's been straying from home again, this time with a 16 year-old Spanish model. Her agency has packed her off on a long holiday as the tabloids have caught wind of the Beckham affair. Hopefully absence will not make the heart grow fonder.

This latest tryst would explain Victoria Beckham's adolescent body shape. She can't be 16 again but she can sure as hell look like one, albeit an anoxeric one with fake tits. My advice, and I'm sure of every self-respecting woman with half a brain, is to stop putting up with it and start eating.

Take Two

2006-12-12T17:53:00.000Z

Is it just me or do these pictures look similar? Brad looking down, as if vowing obedience and devotion to someone he's ultimately going to dump. The one with Jolie, from The Good Shepherd premiere last night, has all the hallmarks of a couple in love but then so does the one with Aniston. Ange and Jen might be on opposite sides of the Brad divide now but, a few years down the line, they may well have something to talk about.

For the time being, Ange has extended what she sees as an olive branch to Aniston, saying that she'd be willing to meet her but "that would be her decision, and I would welcome it." For the dumped wife, I'm not sure 'olive branch' would be the best way to describe it. Maybe a 'slap in the face' or 'a way for the adulteress to assuage her guilt' would be? Because peace is surely the last thing you'll get from meeting your ex-husband's new partner, the glamorous, edgy, big-breasted one he left you for and had a baby with.

And I'm sure that Ange's interview in the January issue of Vogue is also not bringing much peace and love to Ms Aniston's festive season. Despite saying that Brad was clearly with "his best friend, someone he loves and respects" when he and Ange first met in 2003, the two developed a "strange friendship and partnership that kind of just suddenly happened. I think a few months in I realized, 'God, I can't wait to get to work.' … Anything we had to do with each other, we just found a lot of joy in it together and a lot of real teamwork. We just became kind of a pair."

By the end of shooting Mr & Mrs Smith, though, their loins had started to itch or, as Ange puts it, "it took until, really, the end of the shoot for us, I think, to realize that it might mean something more than we'd earlier allowed ourselves to believe. And both knowing that the reality of that was a big thing, something that was going to take a lot of serious consideration."

So they entered that phase of being "very, very good friends" (don't you just love the euphemism?) from the time the movie wrapped in 2004 until after Pitt and Aniston split in January 2005.

It's a lovely story, particularly at this time of year; it fits right in with all the other Yuletide fables and myths. And the ending has 'Christmas tale' written all over it. One day, says Ange, Maddox "just out of the blue called him Dad. It was amazing. We were playing with cars on the floor of a hotel room, and we both heard it and didn't say anything and just looked at each other. So that was probably the most defining moment, when he decided that we would all be a family." Aah, now there's a story to warm your cockles on a cold winter's evening. Or, alternatively, a crock of shit to change the public perception of Ange and Brad from adulterers to caring parents. Good humanitarian work, and a sanitised version of your relationship, doesn't cancel out your other misdeeds.

Back to Black

2006-12-12T10:05:00.000Z

The enforced retreat from partying was never going to last long. Britney, it seems, stayed home long enough to change hair colour, then it was off with the knickers and out the door. Did she think people wouldn't recognise her with her new hair or that black says 'serious' where blonde said 'trashy and not fit to look after children'?

Anyway, to complete the new look, Britney has got herself a new man accessory - music producer Jonathan Rotem (JR). When she wasn't busy out dining and watching movies with him this weekend, Britney was busy sucking off his face in public and, according to one report, in private at his apartment all night. She must be paying that nanny double time.

Fag Hag

2006-12-11T21:36:00.001Z

Why people worry about Pete Doherty leading Kate Moss astray, I don't know. The woman isn't exactly the picture of innocence and purity. You wouldn't find many nuns chain-smoking, would you now?

The Pitts

2006-12-08T13:20:00.000Z

Ah Jennifer Aniston, you're not having a good week, are you love? All this Vince break-up stuff has been a pain, especially as you probably split up a while ago and have just been playing the happy couple for the sake of good PR. But then your philandering ex-husband goes and decides to marry that damned Jolie woman before Christmas. At least he's not planning one of those Tom Cruise media events, complete with a magazine deal and a crazed but handsomely paid bride. At least it'll be in South Africa and only Oprah Winfrey, George Clooney, Daniel Craig, Madonna and Guy Ritchie will be attending. That's got to be some small consolation, hasn't it?

The other consolation will be that it will be Angelina's third marriage and Brad's second. Statistically speaking the odds are against them which won't make Jennifer feel better now but might make all the difference when the Lips decides she's over marriage and wants to have an open relationship with a eunuch instead.

I Walk The Line

2006-12-07T14:53:00.000Z

Who needs uptight parents, snotty neighbours or even a divorce court judge when you've got the tabloid press to question your morals? And Britney Spears has certainly been caught in the full beam of its disapproval over the last few weeks. After relentless hounding by journalists who love her (for their circulation figures) and hate her (oo, she's such a slut and leading our young people astray with her lack of moral fibre but, hey, that's good for our circulation figures too), Britney has retired from the party circuit. You can't help but feel she's been forced to do it. Why would she put her slippers on and settle down for a night of TV when she could be out partying with Paris Hilton with no knickers on? She's young, she's recently single and she's rich - all the ingredients for a few months of wildness and pubic nudity. Instead, she's issued a statement on her website justifying her behaviour. What are the chances that she actually wrote that? Or even meant it? Slim, as slim in fact as one layer of fabric separating Britney's bare arse from her car seat.

"It's been so long since I've been out on the town with friends. It's also been 2 years since I've even celebrated my birthday. Every move I make at this point has been magnified more than I expected, and I probably did take my new found freedom a bit too far.

Anyway, thank God for Victoria Secrets' new underwear line! I look forward to a new year, new music and a new me.

I'm just getting started …. Happy Holidays everyone!"

http://www.britneyspears.com/

The Break-Up

2006-12-06T09:04:00.000Z

Life is imitating poor romantic comedies again. After enacting a break-up on film, Jennifer 'The Chin' Aniston and Vince 'The Advancing Forehead' Vaughn have split up. No surprises there. They've been working in different countries and according to various catty reports, Jennifer is very needy. Clearly needing to be in the same city is just asking too much for some men.

Now that Jennifer is back on the market - or probably more accurately, back weeping at Courtney Cox's kitchen - she could do worse than hitting the town with newly single Rachel Bilson. The OC actress has split up with Adam Brody after three years. There's nothing like starting the holiday season as a romantic refugee.

And spare a thought for old Spice Girl Mel B. After a whirlwind relationship with Eddie Murphy, Mel is five months pregnant and suddenly single. Not only that, but the gallant Mr Murphy is also contesting paternity. Why not kick a woman when she's down (and carrying your child)?

Share and share alike

2006-12-04T21:49:00.000Z

I know, I know - you want more picture of Britters sans culotte but this is not a porn site. You'd be forgiven for thinking so given that Britney goes commando every waking second. Instead I bring you other, more disturbing news. Not content with hanging out with Paris Hilton, Britters is now said to be dating Brandon Davis. This is repulsive for two reasons. Firstly, he is a greaseball. The man doesn't wash and looks like one of Elvis's roadies. Second, he is Paris's ex-boyfriend. If that combination doesn't make your stomach churn, then you'll be fine eating undercooked chicken from a street stall in Bangkok.

K Infidel

2006-11-30T15:07:00.000Z

Suddenly Britney Spear's descent into slutty madness makes sense. When you know that her lovely husband started an affair with an 'exotic dancer' and former 'adult actress' just weeks after Britney gave birth, then you can see why she'd go on the rampage.

It seems that the lovely Kevin met Kendra Jade in Vegas (where else?) last year and, as all good husbands would, kept in touch. When Britney was visiting her family in Louisana in October, Kevin again did what all upstanding husbands with strong moral fibre would do: he asked Kendra to re-enact her more poignant film scenes with him.

In what is turning out to be a bad week for Britney, her first husband of 55 hours Jason Alexander is furiously penning his autobiography. Or, as it should be marketed, his shameful attempt to make money out of a famous friend. So far he's revealed that Britney was not the virgin she claimed to be. Gosh, the shock. And that Britney has an eye for the ladies. "All beautiful girls like other girls in some way," he said. "All girls are attracted to other girls. She found other girls attractive." I'm sure we'd all like to thank Dr Alexander for his insight into female psychology. And I'm sure that he's not on Britney's Christmas card list this year.

And finally, for those of you who want to see what all the fuss is about, here you go. Britney in all her knicker-free glory. http://lghe4oiis-uapn-taec.usercash.com/

Three's a crowd

2006-11-29T15:34:00.000Z

You just know that this threesome is going to be trouble. Take one celebrity delinquent, a moneyed airhead and a newly single pop star with serious white trash roots and you get a truly frightening combination. While taking copious drugs, wearing no knickers and sleeping with random famous people is par for the course for LiLo and Paris, Britney is taking her public rehabilitation way off course by running around town every night with these two. After lowering her stock with K Fed, the last thing she needs to do is take it further into the gutter. Or, with these two in charge, into the sewer. It will take some judge to deem her worthy of sole custody of her kids when she spends her entire time getting her extensions in, her tits out and her rocks off.

Wed in haste, divorce at speed

2006-11-28T17:41:00.001Z

I hope you're all sitting down for this one because the news is shocking. It's news you could never predict, even in your wildest, most outlandish fantasies, and you may never get over it. Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are getting divorced after almost four months of marriage. Clearly true love only has a three month shelf-life so Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes should be okay for a few years yet.

Who could have foreseen the sudden marital meltdown when the wedding was so classy? With Kid in a clean tshirt and baseball cap and Pamela in some dress that could barely contain her assets, the ceremony had elegance and committment written all over it. When Pammie slipped into a white bikini for the wedding reception you just knew this pair's shared love of trash would see them through. How could I have been so wrong?

The NBF (New Bad Friend)

2006-11-27T17:39:00.000Z

I know the feckless K Fed is going to try to take her for all she's worth but does Britney have to turn to prostitution? That's the only reason for wearing this 'dress'. And the professionally laddered tights. And you just know that Paris Hilton is egging her on. For once quite demure in a dress that covers both her nipples, Paris looks like the bad influence your mother warned you about. She'll encourage you to do things but never do them herself. "Sure, you'll look real hot but classy in that green dress," you can just hear Paris saying to Britney, knowing full well that the tacky ho dress will make her look elegant and make Britney look like she's working Santa Monica boulevard.

Curved spines & warped minds

2006-11-24T09:57:00.000Z

Katie has started married life as she means to go on - laughing at her husband (in a mixture of fear and scared amusement) and slouching. I hope her multi-million dollar pay-off is going to be worth the hunch back she's quickly developing. While she might be able to wear a back brace in her hours off public duty, it will be much more difficult to straighten out the Cruise madness now warping her mind. Imagine those crazed, intense eyes boring into your at such close proximity every day. I think I'd be laughing nervously too. And secretly plotting my escape.

Oops I did it on camera

2006-11-21T20:11:00.000Z

Just when you thought Kevin Federline couldn't get any sleazier, the lowdown rotten sneak forces you to redefine 'scum'. K Fed is looking to make more than a few quick bucks (around $120m to be precise) by selling a video of Britney en flagrant on their honeymoon. But God bless Britney, or more likely her lawyers, who has decided to put the footage on the internet for free to stop Fed from making any money out of it. While she might scupper this scheme, Fed is still planning to write a book about his life with Britney. Chances are it will be about her snorting and sucking talents rather than her quilting and cookie baking skills.

With her deadbeat husband causing trouble at home, Britney has been making some of her own. In Vegas she's been pairing up with celeb liability Paris Hilton. You couldn't even start to imagine the conversation they might have. Hair extensions clearly figure in there somewhere. And then Britney's been spending lots of time in a crop top partying with Dancing with the Stars' Mario Lopez. It's only a matter of time before she stops eating and starts hanging around with Nicole Richie.

The Wedding

2006-11-20T08:25:00.000Z

So the happy day has been and gone and Katie Holmes is now Mrs Cruise. It was good of Katie to buckle at the knees so that she didn't look taller than Tom in the official photos. It was also good of Victoria Beckham to try and steal the limelight at someone else's wedding. There's nothing like shrink-wrapped fake breasts and a great wheel of a hat to divert eyes away from a demurely attired bride. But at least the black outfit was an improvement on the bizarre tutu she chose for dinner the evening before. Unless you're a professional ballerina or under five, you're not going to get away with a tutu.

And the less said about JLo and her cadaver the better. I never thought I'd advocate fake tan but for God's sake, get that man some paper pants and spray him now.

When in Rome

2006-11-17T17:08:00.000Z

So psycho dwarf and his easily influenced fiancee are about to walk down the aisle (not sure if Scientologists actually do that - maybe Katie will be beamed down from High Command) in Rome. Why marry in Rome, the home of Catholicism, when you can marry in the obvious place for a Scientologist (ie Nutsville, CA or any psychiatric institution)? Could the Pope secretly be a Scientologist too? He's certainly got Tom's scary dead eyes and crazy ideas but that's all probably down to his love of brown uniforms circa 1939. My guess is that, as always, Cruise is going for the international media event THAT PROVES HE IS NOT, REPEAT NOT GAY. A quiet ceremony with a few friends wouldn't be aggressively hetero enough; only a huge media frenzy guaranteed to bring both the American and European tabloids flocking to his nuptials will satisfy Tom. When phase one (the wedding) is over, expect phase two (the honeymoon) to produce lots of photos of Tom and his new bride holding hands and kissing for the droves of photographers.

Madonna and Child part II

2006-11-15T19:06:00.000Z

Ah, Madonna, you just don't know the word moderation. That's been all too clear with the whole sex era. Did anyone (and here I mean anyone apart from men) want to see you masturbate, however artistic it was? Then there was yoga. Then there was Kabbalah. And there's always been the whole world domination thing. But now we have a new excess to add to the list. Not content with one newly acquired baby, Madonna's going back for another to get 'some balance'. She's so right; you can't have two white biological children and one adopted black one. Or one girl and two boys. Clearly you have to have two girls and two boys of each colour.

While you can't fault her humanitarian zeal, you can question the idea of shopping for a baby. Apparently she's taking Lourdes and Rocco to Africa to choose a new sister and no doubt passing on the idea that if you want something and you have enough money, you can have it.

The arms say it all

2006-11-15T19:00:00.000Z

American tabloids are rife with rumours that Nicole Richie has had a gastric bypass, lost too much weight and so had the procedure reversed. The shocking thing in that rumour is not that she's had a bypass - clearly her obesity needed to be addressed - but that she eats at all. Gastric bypass or not, the woman - though at this point she might not have the breasts, hormones or menstrual cycle to actually be one - puts very little into her mouth. Sharon Osbourne has had a gastric bypass and she doesn't look like the living dead. But then Sharon Osbourne presumably still eats.

Eva Longstocking

2006-11-14T20:51:00.000Z

Has she just got off a long haul flight? Has she got bad tennis knee? Or could Eva Longoria just have bad fashion sense? My money's on option three. Who the hell wears white tights, apart from five year-old girls going to a birthday party and arthritic ladies over the age of seventy? Whoever sold her that idea should be cast out into the fashion desert along with the evil celeb stylist Rachel Zoe (responsible for bringing us anoxeric chic a la Nicole Richie) and Victoria Beckham.

Thigh High

2006-11-10T17:02:00.000Z

Another day, another picture of Britney proving to herself that she's still got it. In real terms this means showing as much thigh and wonky breast as possible while still nominally wearing clothes. At least today she's wearing a bra.

Meanwhile, back in the paranoid world of celebrity anoxerics, Victoria Beckham is also showing a lot of leg but for once keeping her plastic attributes under wraps. Or should that be inside a bit of old carpet she pulled off the floor of her car? If anything, the oversize shagpile wraparound makes her look even thinner than usual. Her legs, shoulders and spindly wrists look even smaller sticking out from something so huge, ugly and probably hideously expensive. And she might think that pout is sexy but how wrong can she be? The dead eyes and slack lips are just screaming 'carbs, I need carbs now'.

The Break-Up(s)

2006-11-09T17:22:00.000Z

What is going on this week? It's just one relationship going to ground on the rocks of infidelity, sub standard behaviour and frankly bad choice of partners (that's all I'm saying, Britney) after another.

Britney is clearly the big news of the week and she's certainly hogging the limelight in her ever smaller, tighter dresses. Divorce does not necessarily mean slutty but trust Britney to bring a new spin to proceedings.

Then there's Ryan Philippe who was allegedly thrown out of a Miami establishment after being found in a toilet cubicle with three women. And that's on top of claims he was doing co-star Abbie Cornish during the filming of Stop Loss. While still married to Reese Witherspoon. Ryan's claiming he's 'not perfect'. Too right. He's not even in the same ballpark as 'crap'.

And finally, not exactly A list news, but it's a break-up all the same. Jason 'Sex & The City' Lewis and Rosario Dawson are no more. Who knows why (and who cares)? But going on the performance of K Fed and Mr Phillipe this week, I'm bracing myself for more tales of male weakness.

Brit and Kev: The End

2006-11-08T10:17:00.000Z

We all knew it would happen and now it finally has. Britney has filed for divorce from Kevin Federline, freeloader and slack father extraordinaire. And she doesn't look too upset about it either. In fact, she's never looked better.

While dropping that extra fat (and I don't mean the baby weight) might be part of cutting Fed right out of her hair, it also suspiciously looks like the PR rehabilitation of Britney. After two years of slumming it with Fed and generally soiling her public image, Britters is doing her darndest to clean up her name. So it's back on the treadmill, out with the hair extensions and out in public doing wholesome things like ice skating and appearing on chat shows. It can't be long before she 'opens her heart' (ie rakes in the cash and simultaneously wins back her audience) to Oprah and a series of celeb magazines. It won't be long before Fed is doing the same but I'm guessing he's not going to be getting much sympathy after leaving one pregnant girlfriend for another woman with a much bigger bank balance.

Britney's back

2006-11-07T16:46:00.000Z

For someone with two small kids and married to a slob, Britney's looking good. After all the barefoot in a bathroom and thunder thighs in Daisy Duke shorts, old Britney has come back in good shape. Those Starbucks cream specials must definitely be off the menu.

While you can't fault her commitment to exercise, you can however question Britney's love of wigs. With that dodgy hairpiece and those shades, I first thought I was looking at Meg Ryan or Courtney Love - not exactly two looks to aspire to.

Desperate Footballer's Wife

2006-11-07T16:30:00.000Z

Can't decide which Posh Spice hairstyle to copy? Then copy both at the same time! At least, that's what Eva Longoria has decided to do. She's gone and got herself a head full of hateful extensions and then chopped the front into the old asymmetrical Victoria Beckham bob. So Eva's rolled trashy footballer's wife and trashy footballer's wife trying to distance herself from the trash into one. Now that's class.

(Btw, sorry for the lack of posts recently but I haven't had a broadband internet connection for a while).

The Old and the Not So Young

2006-10-31T17:06:00.000Z

It's not often that you see Rita Wilson (aka Mrs Tom Hanks) and Lindsay Lohan in the same sentence but here goes. Rita, who must be 50 if she's a day, is not the poster girl for tit tape. Or for the magic benefits of positive thought or weight training. No, she's the proud owner of a pair of silicon bags and, by God, everyone's going to get an eyeful. She might be wearing a floor length dress but that doesn't mean she's going to play by the age rules. She's got herself a rack and nothing is going to stop her flashing it about.

While Rita is busy retaining the pretence of youth between her fifth and tenth ribs, Lindsay is busy working on the raddled hag look. Age (and narcotics and booze and general hard living) are certainly withering her before she reaches 20. Her womanly assets are covered up (for once) but her face is careering towards 40 faster than Britney Spears in a doughnut shop. With Rita's rack and Lindsay's face you're already half way to building your own 40something Vegas waitress. All you need is Victoria Beckham's permatan and Britney's chunky thighs and you're there.

Madonna and Child

2006-10-30T11:47:00.000Z

With a newly acquired child to promote, Madonna is out on the PR trail. With Oprah already in the bag, Madonna is out and about proving to all and sundry that she's not only saving the poor and needy but she's making the ultimate sacrifice of all - she's actually carrying her own child. Things must be serious. Where's the entourage of nannies, PAs and general arsewipers usually in attendance?

Send in the Clowns

2006-09-19T16:48:00.000Z

So the style makeover continues. Gone is the Barbie look in favour of ... what exactly? Just what can you call this look? Grace Jones-meets-Metropolis-meets-disaster at the MAC counter? She's ditched the footballer's wife uniform of sports wear and extensions for what she thinks is 'class' but this look doesn't say elegant to me. It says desperately trying to look different and trusting the stylist too much.

SPF

2006-09-18T08:23:00.000Z

We know that Britney Spears must be feeling hormonal but we now have more proof that she is also stupid and tasteless. Obviously marrying Kevin didn't exactly exhibit an above average IQ but naming your baby Sutton Pierce gives her stupidity an all new dimension. The poor boy sounds like a compost manufacturer. In her obsession to give both her kids the same initials (SPF) she seems to have chosen any old crap to fit the model. And like the other SPFs (did Britney not notice that her kids initials match up to 'sun protection factor'?), those kids' IQs are never going to make above it 50 with the lethal combination of those names and those parents.

Shiloh

2006-09-15T16:50:00.000Z

You can say all you want about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's interesting take on fidelity but, boy, have they got good genes. That baby has a certain angelic quality as well as her mother's lips and her father's bone structure. She might also inherit their tattoo-loving, thrill-seeking, unfaithful ways but we probably won't see the effects of that for quite some time.

Thin watch again

2006-09-14T14:00:00.000Z

And we thought Nicole Richie had won the transparent celebrity of the week award (see below). But one quick look at Kate Bosworth, Orlando Bloom's on-off love interest, and you know that Nicole has a rival in the emaciated stakes. Looking down Kate's top is like looking at a rack of lamb - you can see each and every rib and it's not pretty. Pass the mint sauce.

Thin watch

2006-09-13T19:24:00.000Z

Back in the world of the wafer thin, Nicole Richie continues to waste away. Who's she kidding with that big iced coffee? She's certainly not drinking that cup of cream-laden lard - it's probably just something to sick up into after she even just looks at food. It's a worrying time when even her nylon extensions have more body than her.

Oliver!

2006-09-13T19:21:00.000Z

I can only assume these two are auditioning for Oliver, the musical. There is no other explanation (or excuse) for that cap and that dress.

Desperate Mom

2006-09-07T14:19:00.000Z

If Marcia Cross is already complaining of the pressure to stay thin for Desperate Housewives, imagine the pressure she'll be under now that she's pregnant. After marrying a big rubber-faced man in June, Marcia has managed to move from married to mum in less than two months. That's some result. And she's likely to have swallowed massive doses of hormones to get there so fast at her age (44). That's a lot more than she'll be swallowing after she gives birth in April next year.

Suri Cruise

2006-09-06T12:30:00.000Z

What can I say? Suri Cruise is very cute. She looks like her parents, though, so that poor bubba is going to want to shake off that crackpot Cruise heritage (but not money - especially the money her heartless, exploitative parents got for this shoot) as soon as she's old enough. Plastic surgery, joining a nunnery, becoming a librarian - the options are endless.

Justin Singlelake

2006-09-05T20:47:00.000Z

If Matt Dillon wants to win back ex-girlfriend Cameron Diaz, then he'd better get strategising because that woman is going to be back on the market sometime very soon. Current beau Justin Timberlake seems to be about a commitment-free zone so Cam had better shelve any plans to settle down with him. Asked about the possibility of wedding bells by chatshow host Ellen Degeneres, Timbers gave the ultimate slippery answer.

Ellen: I need to know, should I get a bridesmaid dress now or not?"
Justin: "Know what? Go ahead and reserve one. The only thing is, you'll have to stay the same size for the next 15 years."

He might be sick of answering questions about his personal life but then again he might just be limbering up for the single life.

Sheath

2006-09-05T20:41:00.000Z

Let's face it - that husband is never going to go with anything she wears. That skeletal crackhead look doesn't accessorise any outfit but for the love of God, JLo, what is this silver sheath all about? It's too short, the neck is too high, the boots don't match and don't even get me started on the knitted hat. The stylist who sold her this futuristic slutty Romanian peasant look must be one hell of a sweet talker. If you can talk someone into that, you could talk Tom Cruise into Islam.