I can't help but wonder...

Dear God. Simon Cowell, for once ahead of the fashion pack with his high-waisters, is threatening to unleash a British version of Sex & The City. As Carrie Bradshaw would say, "I can't help but wonder…”.

There are a number of things I can’t bloody help but wonder. Mainly, why? You just know that our shoddy, half-arsed version won’t be as funny. No disrespect to June Sarpong who’s writing and planning to star in the show, but she should probably steer clear of the triple hyphenate. We all know that model-turned-actress is a surefire way to see your career go down in flames. Elle McPherson anyone? So chancing your arm as presenter-turned-scriptwriter-turned-actress just screams career suicide louder than Jordan singing at Eurovision.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, June has drafted in Lysette Anthony, whose main claim to fame is starring in Night and Day, as Samantha and jazz munchkin Jamie Cullum to write the theme tune.

If, like me, you are already reading and weeping, then spare a thought for the actual script. Will Carrie be swapping her Manolos and Manhattan for Barratts in Bermondsey? And will Samantha just be a sad old slapper with a Bacardi Breezer in her hand and her saggy, sun-raddled cleavage squeezed into a spaghetti top? And as for Mr Big you just know that he’ll be Mr Quite Small Actually But With A Good Line in Self-Deprecating Humour. Suddenly Eastenders starts to look good…