It's Over, Pammie

It's a sad day when someone makes Mariah Carey looks good. Well, Pamela Anderson, your day has come. In a similar lowcut, slashed-to-thigh black dress, Mariah actually looks better.

On a rational level, that doesn't seem possible. Mariah seems to have some kind of body dysmorphia, squeezing herself into the tightest, most revealing dresses in the unfounded belief that she's as lithe and leggy as Gisele. The smaller and sluttier the dress, the happier she is.

While that's usually Pammie's dress code, something has gone wrong here. The laws of physics are out of whack. Normally, she has a simple formula for sartorial success. Cut-off Daisy Duke shorts and a white shirt: kind of hot. Tracksuit bottoms and a tight t-shirt: also kind of hot in a Mum at the school gates way. But here, in this black dress, with those airbags, that ageing knobbly knee and a hint of crotch, that look screams what we all knew but Pammie is trying hard to ignore. You're time is up. No amount of frolicking with young actors, ex-husbands and rock stars is going to recapture your youth.

Get down to your surgeon and get those puppies whipped out. Nobody, except the sad, topshelf audience, wants to see a woman pushing 40 with enormous plastic breasts in a crotch skimming dress. I'm not being ageist. I don't really want to see anyone work that look but it looks so much worse the older a woman gets. Jordan, let this be a lesson to you.