In the backroom she was everybody's darling

Just what does the Kabbalah say about staring into the gaping jaws of failure? “Throw yourself in with wild abandon and worry about the consequences later”? Madonna certainly seems to be following that advice to the letter. Undeterred by the critical flaying for her last film with hubby, Swept Away, the old girl is trying to bag the role of 60s transvestite/prostitute Candy Darling for a new film.

At least the transvestite bit won’t be too much of a stretch. Thanks to years of self-deprivation and yoga, she already looks like a sinewy old queen in a dress. As usual, the main stumbling block will be the acting, something Madonna still hasn’t cracked.

If she really wants to the part maybe she should follow Candy’s career strategy immortalised in Lou Reed’s classic Walk on the Wild Side. Mads, maybe it’s time to get down on your knees and suck.