Christmas Puddings

Buying a Christmas present for Victoria Beckham must be a nightmare. What do you buy a woman who has turned designer shopping into an Olympic sport? Her family may not know what to buy her but Victoria has been shopping for herself already and she knew exactly what she wanted - a new pair of fake breasts. Nothing reminds you of the birth of baby Jesus like silicon implants and some fresh scars.

The breasts might be new (and frankly, horribly out of proportion with her withered frame) but the story behind them is getting very, very old. He's lowlife cheating scum. Ditch him. Enjoy being single for a bit. Then get yourself someone who loves you and can keep his John Thomas in his pants. How many times are we going to have to go over this?

And a merry Christmas to you all!