Young, free and oh no, I'm not single

Footballers are never famed for their IQs, after all kicking a ball is not exactly the most intellectually demanding of activities. Spare a thought then for David Beckham. He can kick balls but he can't quite get his thick skull around one of the basic tenets of marriage - fidelity - and therefore needs to have his balls kicked. Very hard. Preferably by an overweight trucker in stilettos.

Apparently David's been straying from home again, this time with a 16 year-old Spanish model. Her agency has packed her off on a long holiday as the tabloids have caught wind of the Beckham affair. Hopefully absence will not make the heart grow fonder.

This latest tryst would explain Victoria Beckham's adolescent body shape. She can't be 16 again but she can sure as hell look like one, albeit an anoxeric one with fake tits. My advice, and I'm sure of every self-respecting woman with half a brain, is to stop putting up with it and start eating.