The Devil Wears Pants and Little Else

It's nice to see the Beckhams haven't lost their good, old fashioned values now they've moved to America. They certainly haven't been sucked in by the materialist values. You just have to check out Posh's new car. And they certainly haven't fallen for the superficial, vain Hollywood thing. Just look at their W cover. You can almost imagine them taking the kids to church on Sunday dressed like that. Or in any of the outfits featured in the spread. So, contrary to expectations, they haven't sold their soul to the LA devil only because they don't have any soul left to sell. Look inside their chests cavity and you'll probably find tattooed adverts for Gillette, Posh's jeans and just about anything these two cheap horrors will put their name to.

Hot and Cold

Victoria Beckham wants it all her own way. One minute she's practically swallowing the camera to get herself more publicity. The next she's all aloof and hiding from the assembled paps. Well, you can't have it both ways. You either court the press and deal with the consequences or you just don't play that game. And what's with the yellow hat, David?

Spice Girls MKII

I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. I don't want the Spice Girls to get back together but it looks like it's happening anyway. Posh is on for it and, despite her repeated rejection of the idea, Melanie 'Sporty Spice' Chisholm is on for it too.

There's nothing like five careers in stagnation to trigger a reunion. Sporty may be big in Germany but that's nothing to be proud of. The Hof is big in Germany too. Enough said. With another baby to bring up on her own (Eddie Murphy, you are scum), Scary Spice is clearly on for it too. Ginger can only milk her own child so far for publicity so it's back on the road for her too.

With a camera crew following her every anorexic step, Posh couldn't hope for any greater event than the Spice Girls' reunion. Meanwhile, she's making do with edging other celeb hopefuls into every shot. Check out Paul Sculfor, Jennifer Aniston's latest man toy, in the background on the left. Oh, and it looks like Victoria's forgotten her skirt again.

Woman of the Year

Okay, so it's not the Nobel prize but still, you have to question Glamour magazine's logic. Why name Victoria Beckham 'Woman of the Year'? What exactly has she done for our gender? To me it says, 'why worry about poverty, world peace and pestilence, when you can wear hotpants over the age of 30?'. It's not the advice I'd want to pass on to the next generation.

So let's all follow the shining example set by Glamour's Woman of the Year. Starve yourself, cut your hair, drag your family across the world to feed your need for fame, parade yourself in expensive fashion but never have any style and, most of all tolerate, your philandering husband because you're not worth it. Glamour, you're never getting any money from my pocket again.

Fairy Godmother

You've got to hand it to that Geri Halliwell. She knows how to milk celebrity by just being a celebrity. Or, in the particular case, lining up a bigger celebrity to be her child's godmother. By drafting in her old pal Victoria Beckham, Geri has secured herself a hefty cheque from celeb magazines. With VB dropping in to hold the baby over the font, Geri got what she needs to keep the cash coming in: years of tabloid coverage as Bluebell's godmother stalks in for her birthday parties, first holy communions and various assorted celebrations. And you can guarantee that Bluebell is going to have a lot of parties to feed her mother's addiction to fame (and pay for her own private schooling no doubt). Spare a thought for Bluebell's godfather, poor old Kenny Goss (George Michael's partner). With the spotlight firmly trained on Posh, he's always doomed to be the bridesmaid and never the bride.

PS. Could Victoria Beckham be any browner?

April Update

You go on holiday for two weeks and come back to insanity. Prince Williams has ditched Kate Middleton for another woman. We don't know who she is yet but British tabloids say she's 'naughty' and she's turned his head. Does that mean she's a commoner with common tastes or simply a posh filly with a taste for horse whips?

Courtney Love loses half her body weight and claims it was all down to dieting. On what? Rice cakes and crack?


Madonna goes to Africa with wardrobe full of bad sarongs and tshirts. Haven't those people suffered enough?

Britney Spears keeps her knickers and her wig on. That must be some kind of record.

Matthew McConnaughey is still screaming "I'm gay!" but no-one is listening.


Victoria Beckham still hasn't cracked a smile (or eaten) but worse still, she hasn't worked out how to just a Continental toilet yet.


Reese Witherspoon is still dating Jake Gyllenhaal.

Tom Cruise continues his mission to grow a fully formed pair of moobs. No long to go till you can buy your first bra, Tom.


And finally, sexism is alive and well. Angelina, says Star magazine, has "walked out on Brad", leaving him with the four kids so that she can start work on a new film in Chicago. While I question her pick'n'mix attitude to motherhood, I also wonder whether male actors make the same headlines when they leave their wife and kids at home go on location.

Fatal Distraction

Whatever happened to discretion? In the old days, you'd cheat on your wife but pretend you were working late/having dinner with a friend/going on a business trip. These days, people can't even be bothered to trot out those well worn excuses. Or at least, David Beckham can't. Not content to keep his philandering secret (or as secret as he can with the world's press tracking his every move), Becks is now flaunting it in front of his wife. At meal with Victoria at London's Nobu restaurant this week, he spent the entire evening checking out a model at a neighbouring table. Victoria eventually got up and left without eating.

That has to be the behaviour of a man who knows his wife is never going to leave him. And, more damningly, doesn't care if she ever eats again.

And what's with the hair? Is he basing this season's look on the Hitler Youth?

Blonde Ambition

Moving to LA would be a challenge for most people. The smog, the skinny culture, the skinny celeb obsessed culture. Imagine, then, how Victoria Beckham feels moving from Europe, where she has the monopoly on being a front page skinny, to LA where every block is teaming with skinny wannabes. And on top of that nobody knows who she is until her new reality show goes to air. To remedy this slight recognition problem and stand out from a legion of skinnies with long swishy hair, Posh has gone for the blonde crop. Not many of those in Hollywood are there now? Unless you count Ellen De Generes.

Queen Helen

Helen Mirren, arguably looking hotter than Her Majesty ever has, trounced the opposition to win an Oscar last night. In a town full of ageing celebrities with faces pulled tighter than a calfskin drum, Dame Helen not only triumphed in the best actress category but she also proved that grace, style and wrinkles win over surgery, Botox and butt lifts.


And her face moved, which is more than you can say for Nicole Kidman, whose features are permanently set in a beatific grin by the odd injection and a disastrous marriage. She brought hubby along to the proceedings but will she be dragging him down the carpet with her next year? I doubt it very much.

Naturally, no Hollywood evening is now complete with the original old rictus grin, aka Victoria Beckham, making an appearance. Perhaps conscious that her skinny limbs don't set her apart any more (who's famous and not skinny in LA? You can probably count them on the fingers of one bony hand), Posh covered up for once. If only she'd cover up completely. The full veil would for me.

Kids in America

It's all happening this week. First there's Britney. Her family and agents think that the bald head warrants rehab so she's been in and out a couple of times over the last few days. Her commitment to doing something she's been told to do is so strong that she lasted 24 hours the first time and a couple of hours the next. I know rehab is Hollywood shorthand for 'contrition in return for increased record sales' but Britney obviously doesn't want to go and until she does, it's not going to work. Also, has anyone considered the possibility that rehab is not going to undo the damage done by years of fame and money. Group therapy and chanting are not going to change her personality. If they can change her choice of wigs, though, that would be a start. The girl has money but she still insists on buying white trash tat.


Then there's Mrs Beckham. If she carries on subjecting her children to this kind of attention then she can expect them to start shaving their heads and wearing cheap Marilyn Monroe wigs in about ten years time. Don't want to fuck your kids up, then don't expose them to the media circus. And don't complain about it. I wouldn't recognise most footballers never mind their wives. There's a good reason for that and it's because Victoria Beckham is a media whore. One look at these kids' faces tells you all you need to know.

And finally, just when you thought that Brad and Ange had been quiet for a while, the adoption roadshow is back on track. To add to their multi-ethnic brood, Brange have applied to adopt a boy from Vietnam. They saw him last November and have filed papers to bring him over. I can only assume that they'll be heading over to Africa for the next addition to the family just to keep the numbers even. And what about Latin America? They seem to be missing out a whole continent here.

Coming to America

Its officially time to throw out your TV and start playing chess instead. Not content with achieving complete tabloid saturation, the Beckhams could be coming to a TV screen near you some time soon. In a bid to increase their fame in the US, the happy couple are considering an offer from the Fox network to star in their own Osbourne style reality show. Titled Living With The Beckhams, the series would follow them as they just used to life in LA. You can see the benefits for Victoria. With a camera crew filming his every move, when will David find time to stray? If you can't watch him when he's out of your sight, then why not have a professional film crew to do it for you instead?

Vic and Kate do Paris

While the former Cruise companion Penelope Cruz is no doubt celebrating her Oscar nomination (see post below), the present bride of Scientology is busy swanning around Paris with new best friend and soon to be neighbour Victoria Beckham. And what a friendship that is proving to be. Who could have predicted that Victoria would find a sidekick capable of making her look stylish? Not me, that's for sure. But Katie Holmes has brought her ageing but moneyed aunt aesthetic to the table and Victoria is reaping the rewards. Just take these two black outfits. Victoria is actually looks demure but young. Katie, on the other hand, looks like a politician's wife at a funeral. After all that hard work to lose the baby fat, this outfit does her no favours even though she's probably whippet thin underneath the horrid tulip skirt. Scientology is evil in many ways but it's crimes against fashion are mounting up.

Rugrat

Quite why Victoria Beckham is considered to be a style icon I'll never know. She might be Roberto Cavalli's muse but to me she looks like a spokesperson for Allied Carpets. Take this outfit, especially the rug that she's apparently just picked up off the nursery floor.

Her bag might cost more than my annual salary but it's just one jarring ingredient in a hideous mishmash of styles. Then there's the hooker's boots, the office worker trousers, the gym vest and the military cap. Whoever classes that little lot as style shouldn't try crossing a road without their guide dog.

Golden Globes part II

Beyonce's not the only one who needs a bit of help in the dressing stakes (see post below). Victoria Beckham could also do with taking some style tips from Helen Mirren. Out hunting for houses in LA, VB decided to skip the bra. Like we didn't know it was her under that cap. With that entourage, those massive sunglasses and, of course, the suddenly bigger but still unsupported breasts, who else could it be?

Hollywood called Victoria Beckham...

... and left this message.


Victoria may be looking forward to the shopping now that Becks has got a contract in LA, but you can bet her husband is thinking of window shopping for something else all together. Madrid is one thing but Hollywood will be wall-to-wall wannabe starlets, all whippet thin, jacked up on silicon and willing to do anything to get into the big time. Posh allegedly convinced Becks to go to the US but she might be pining for Madrid before long. Or spending a lot of time praying at the Scientology temple with new bbf and fellow weak spirit Katie Holmes.

Ringing the Changes?

Now I don't want to mislead anyone rooting for Victoria Beckham to ditch her philandering husband but I'm going to anyway. Victoria, as you can see from this picture, is not wearing her wedding ring. She's wearing a huge rock instead. Is this just the right accessory for her dress or a statement about her marriage? You decide.

Christmas Puddings

Buying a Christmas present for Victoria Beckham must be a nightmare. What do you buy a woman who has turned designer shopping into an Olympic sport? Her family may not know what to buy her but Victoria has been shopping for herself already and she knew exactly what she wanted - a new pair of fake breasts. Nothing reminds you of the birth of baby Jesus like silicon implants and some fresh scars.

The breasts might be new (and frankly, horribly out of proportion with her withered frame) but the story behind them is getting very, very old. He's lowlife cheating scum. Ditch him. Enjoy being single for a bit. Then get yourself someone who loves you and can keep his John Thomas in his pants. How many times are we going to have to go over this?

And a merry Christmas to you all!

Young, free and oh no, I'm not single

Footballers are never famed for their IQs, after all kicking a ball is not exactly the most intellectually demanding of activities. Spare a thought then for David Beckham. He can kick balls but he can't quite get his thick skull around one of the basic tenets of marriage - fidelity - and therefore needs to have his balls kicked. Very hard. Preferably by an overweight trucker in stilettos.

Apparently David's been straying from home again, this time with a 16 year-old Spanish model. Her agency has packed her off on a long holiday as the tabloids have caught wind of the Beckham affair. Hopefully absence will not make the heart grow fonder.

This latest tryst would explain Victoria Beckham's adolescent body shape. She can't be 16 again but she can sure as hell look like one, albeit an anoxeric one with fake tits. My advice, and I'm sure of every self-respecting woman with half a brain, is to stop putting up with it and start eating.