Cruz control

Should poor Cruz Beckham ever wonder what mood his mum was in at his conception, he just needs to open the Spanish dictionary. Cruz means ‘cross’ and boy, was Posh cross nine months ago. And boy, did she want to see David crucified (preferably by his boys’ bits) for playing away from home.

Never mind the fixed Joker-like grin plastered on her face, Posh was a woman in a rage and Apple, Maraschino and Lychee just weren’t going to cut the mustard for Beckham number three.

Now poor Cruz will have to face a lifetime of being called ‘Crooth’. Or Cruise. And fending off jibes about Penelope Cruz, Tom Cruise and any kind of trip round the Mediterranean in a big boat. And the fact his name rhymes, in English, with one Ms. Loos. Bet Victoria didn’t think of that angle when she was kicking the name around.

Still, there’s one small consolation: at least they didn’t call him Chav.