Indecent Proposal

This month's celebrity car crash romance has hit fifth gear. If Katie Holmes were a crash test dummy, she would now be hurtling headlong out of the backseat (no seatbelt, silly girl), millimetres from cranial contact with the windscreen.

Cruise, that triumph for orthodontists everywhere, apparently got down on one knee at the Eiffel Tower in Paris today, determined to make Holmes his third wife. "Today is a magnificent day for me, I'm engaged to a magnificent woman," he said. Love may be blind, or at least blighted by having to constantly gaze upwards despite the heel lifts, but Katie Holmes is a nice, average kind of girl and inoffensive, average kind of actress. In short, perfect, malleable wife material.