Football LA style

In England, going to watch a football match went hand-in-hand with greasy burgers, woolly scarves and huge crowds of drunken men. In LA, going to watch football has taken a decidedly glamorous turn. Instead of fried food laced with salmonella and men swilling beer, you've got Hollywood stars and red carpets. Gone are the woolly scarves, football shirts and big white trainers and in come couture gowns, paparazzi and big hair. Oh and Scientologists, of course. David Beckham, you've got a lot to answer for. http://www.tmz.com/tmz_main_video?titleid=1119262352

The Devil Wears Pants and Little Else

It's nice to see the Beckhams haven't lost their good, old fashioned values now they've moved to America. They certainly haven't been sucked in by the materialist values. You just have to check out Posh's new car. And they certainly haven't fallen for the superficial, vain Hollywood thing. Just look at their W cover. You can almost imagine them taking the kids to church on Sunday dressed like that. Or in any of the outfits featured in the spread. So, contrary to expectations, they haven't sold their soul to the LA devil only because they don't have any soul left to sell. Look inside their chests cavity and you'll probably find tattooed adverts for Gillette, Posh's jeans and just about anything these two cheap horrors will put their name to.

Hot and Cold

Victoria Beckham wants it all her own way. One minute she's practically swallowing the camera to get herself more publicity. The next she's all aloof and hiding from the assembled paps. Well, you can't have it both ways. You either court the press and deal with the consequences or you just don't play that game. And what's with the yellow hat, David?

Bottle Blond

Nice to see David Beckham is trying to blend in with his new Hollywood surroundings. To keep in with all the local stars who can't keep their lad in their pants (Brad Pitt, Robbie Williams et al), David has followed their style lead and bleached his hair. Theoretically he did it for a photo session for American fashion magazine W but nothing says 'Look at me, shag me I'm famous' like a bleach job. It adds a whole new mean to 'coming to America'.

Fatal Distraction

Whatever happened to discretion? In the old days, you'd cheat on your wife but pretend you were working late/having dinner with a friend/going on a business trip. These days, people can't even be bothered to trot out those well worn excuses. Or at least, David Beckham can't. Not content to keep his philandering secret (or as secret as he can with the world's press tracking his every move), Becks is now flaunting it in front of his wife. At meal with Victoria at London's Nobu restaurant this week, he spent the entire evening checking out a model at a neighbouring table. Victoria eventually got up and left without eating.

That has to be the behaviour of a man who knows his wife is never going to leave him. And, more damningly, doesn't care if she ever eats again.

And what's with the hair? Is he basing this season's look on the Hitler Youth?

Hollywood called Victoria Beckham...

... and left this message.


Victoria may be looking forward to the shopping now that Becks has got a contract in LA, but you can bet her husband is thinking of window shopping for something else all together. Madrid is one thing but Hollywood will be wall-to-wall wannabe starlets, all whippet thin, jacked up on silicon and willing to do anything to get into the big time. Posh allegedly convinced Becks to go to the US but she might be pining for Madrid before long. Or spending a lot of time praying at the Scientology temple with new bbf and fellow weak spirit Katie Holmes.

Young, free and oh no, I'm not single

Footballers are never famed for their IQs, after all kicking a ball is not exactly the most intellectually demanding of activities. Spare a thought then for David Beckham. He can kick balls but he can't quite get his thick skull around one of the basic tenets of marriage - fidelity - and therefore needs to have his balls kicked. Very hard. Preferably by an overweight trucker in stilettos.

Apparently David's been straying from home again, this time with a 16 year-old Spanish model. Her agency has packed her off on a long holiday as the tabloids have caught wind of the Beckham affair. Hopefully absence will not make the heart grow fonder.

This latest tryst would explain Victoria Beckham's adolescent body shape. She can't be 16 again but she can sure as hell look like one, albeit an anoxeric one with fake tits. My advice, and I'm sure of every self-respecting woman with half a brain, is to stop putting up with it and start eating.