April Update

You go on holiday for two weeks and come back to insanity. Prince Williams has ditched Kate Middleton for another woman. We don't know who she is yet but British tabloids say she's 'naughty' and she's turned his head. Does that mean she's a commoner with common tastes or simply a posh filly with a taste for horse whips?

Courtney Love loses half her body weight and claims it was all down to dieting. On what? Rice cakes and crack?


Madonna goes to Africa with wardrobe full of bad sarongs and tshirts. Haven't those people suffered enough?

Britney Spears keeps her knickers and her wig on. That must be some kind of record.

Matthew McConnaughey is still screaming "I'm gay!" but no-one is listening.


Victoria Beckham still hasn't cracked a smile (or eaten) but worse still, she hasn't worked out how to just a Continental toilet yet.


Reese Witherspoon is still dating Jake Gyllenhaal.

Tom Cruise continues his mission to grow a fully formed pair of moobs. No long to go till you can buy your first bra, Tom.


And finally, sexism is alive and well. Angelina, says Star magazine, has "walked out on Brad", leaving him with the four kids so that she can start work on a new film in Chicago. While I question her pick'n'mix attitude to motherhood, I also wonder whether male actors make the same headlines when they leave their wife and kids at home go on location.