Once, twice, three times a shoddy parent

The Spears didn't just do a bad job with Britney, undisputed car wreck of 2007, but they did an equally shoddy job with little sister Jamie-Lynn. At 16 Jamie-Lynn is pregnant and clearly looking to slip down the same slope as her crazy sister. Mr Spears is reportedly not happy about the news but he has no-one to blame but himself. One daughter veering off the rails is one thing but two? That takes some seriously misjudged parenting. Which makes you wonder about Britney and Jamie-Lynn's brother. What's he got in store?

Hawaii Sex O

And it just keeps on getting worse. Fresh from handing the kids over to KFed under orders from a court, Britney is now facing another potential personal disaster. Never mind the driving licence/hit-and-run incident - some guy in Hawaii is claiming he made a sex tape with Britney this summer and he's going to make it public.

Britney apparently met this guy at the bar of the Four Seasons hotel one evening in June. After more than a few drinks and no doubt a few snorts in the rest room, Britney took the guy to her room. Before getting down to 25 minutes of 'disappointing' sex, the guy turned his camera on and captured his lacklustre performance for posterity. And clearly for the huge amount of money he stands to make from either handing over the tape to Britney or selling it to some unscrupulous internet company.

So far, he's held back the tape because he's ashamed of his performance. No doubt he was distracted by all dollar signs flashing in front of his eyes.

Bye bye babies

Well, the inevitable has happened. Britney is still on Planet Crazy-Fuck-'Em-All and has temporarily lost custody of her kids. A judge ruled yesterday that the kids go to KFed as Britney allegedly failed to take a random drug and alcohol test. And she couldn't provide a California driver's licence.

Though she hasn't failed a test, the outlook is bleak. The kids have gone, albeit for now, to the ex and there's a hit and run incident on police record despite the absence of a driving licence. Oh and a body guard who's happy to detail Britney's drug, alcohol and nudity habits for the world's press.

She's going back to court on Wednesday but the chances of getting the kids back are slim. If she can't be bothered to get a driving licence just how bothered can she be to look after her kids? What kind of responsible adult is she if she's willing to drive under the influence with the kids in the car? When getting to the shops is more important than your kids' safety, you have to question your priorities.

Bad Week for Bad Britney

And things just keep getting worse. After her lawyer and management quit earlier this week, Britney was branded a "habitual, frequent, and continuous" user of "controlled substances and alcohol" by Los Angeles Superior Court judge Scott Gordon in her ongoing custody wrangle with KFed.

Gordon ordered Britney to have a random drug test twice a week, as well as ruling that she and KFed were to be "restrained from making derogatory remarks about the other party and the other party's family or significant other." Some chance but you can hope.

Gordon also ordered Spears to see a therapist at least once a week and hire a parenting "coach." In addition Britney and KFed He have to sign up for a Parenting Without Conflict programme.

Now most people would see this list of orders as a wake-up call, especially with key staff quitting left, right and centre. But not Britney. Oh no. So where did she go after the court hearing? Out drinking Winston’s and Hyde in Los Angeles, that's where. Not only did she drink but she was seen gyrating on tables. I'm not sure the judge is going to see that as the behaviour of a committed mother. It might prove to be the behaviour of a mother who needs to be committed.

Bye Bye Britney

It's nice to see that Britney's keeping busy. As well as alienating her family, friends and fans, she's now lost her manager and lawyer Laura Wasser, who was representing her in the ongoing custody battle with KFed. Nice work for one week. Her management company, The Firm, were cryptic about their reasons for quitting but I think we can all read between the lines.

"It saddens us to confirm media reports that we have terminated our professional relationship with Britney Spears," said The Firm in the statement. "We believe Britney is enormously talented, and has made a terrific record. But current circumstances have prevented us from properly doing our job. We wish Britney the best."

I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking that the Firm really wanted to say that Britney has lost the plot, can't be bothered to work, is taking too many drugs and is about to lose her kids in a very public court case. Oh, and getting banned from the exclusive Chateau Marmont hotel in LA for walking around the corridors smearing food on her face. Not exactly the kind of client you want on your books. And not exactly the virgin princess of old.

Gimme No More

The day had to come and it is most definitely here. Britney Spears' private life has been on the slide for a long time and now her career has very publicly hit the skids too. Billed as her comeback, Britney's opening performance at the MTV VMA show this weekend was poor beyond belief. We all know she lip syncs but someone forgot to tell Britney that she lip syncs. It had clearly slipped her mind over the last few months amid all that partying, hair shaving, child neglect and general self-abuse. So Britney didn't move her mouth in time with her own lyrics. Nor did she bother to move in time with her own music. Dressed in spangly pants and bra and oozing all the sexual allure of dead-eyed cow, Britney looked like a lumpen, talentless kid pushed onto the stage by her overbearing parents. If you're going to wear next to nothing, then lay off the beer and fries. I'm all for banning size zero lunacy but equally a beer belly hanging over your knickers ain't sexy. If you don't believe it could really be that bad then watch the whole sorry debacle for yourselves.

Gimme More

More or what? Drugs? Booze? Inappropriate nudity? Bad parenting skills? Who knows what Britney wants more of but her single Gimme More is out on Monday. To hear her usual breathy tones tell you "It's Britney, bitch" (just in case you'd have never guessed) click here. Let me know what you think. Would you give her more? Or take it all back?

Oh, and just so you don't forget how classy she is, here's a recent picture of the woman in question. The top half is almost right but she's clearly forgotten her pants (again) but strangely not her winter boots.

The Old Switcheroo

Britney loves a fad. When she likes something, she does it all the time. Like Kevin for example. Or booze. Or drugs. Or having kids. Or plastic surgery. The latest fad is switching clothes. After switching her dress round (see post below) at the end of the night, possibly in the desperate hope of getting a shag but flaunting her enhanced rack, Britney has moved on to swapping clothes with someone else. She went into a nightclub in LA wearing the relatively demure long black dress. She then came out wearing her friend's shorter number. I suppose the only consolation is that Britney goes commando so at least we know she's not swapping knickers too.

Green-thighed monster

Ah Britney, did rehab teach you nothing? It certainly didn't teach you to buy decent wigs or to stop dressing like a slut. After one tequila too many you just can't help upping the slut quotient in your outfit. The green dress was never going to be demure. It covers more than most of your other dresses but let's face it, Katie Holmes is never going to wear it. But that level of ho is just not enough for you. A couple of hours down the line and you nip off to the toilet and switch your dress around. It gives the world more of your surgically enhanced breast but it also shows everyone just how big an impression your ass leaves in your clothes. It's like someone detonated a bomb in there. Do yourself a favour. Just put the thing on backwards to begin with. You know you want to, we know you want to so who are you kidding?

Rehab my arse

Rehab has clearly worked a treat for Britney Spears. She's so obviously over all that exhibitionism, sluttiness and attention-seeking from her 'wild' phase. Cos we all go out in ripped fishnets, wearing a red bikini under a see through lace dress. Many's the time I head down to the supermarket in th every same outfit, particularly in winter.

There's no point pulling on that hem, Britney love. It's not going to cover anything up. It says something when your bald head is the most dressed part of your anatomy.

April Update

You go on holiday for two weeks and come back to insanity. Prince Williams has ditched Kate Middleton for another woman. We don't know who she is yet but British tabloids say she's 'naughty' and she's turned his head. Does that mean she's a commoner with common tastes or simply a posh filly with a taste for horse whips?

Courtney Love loses half her body weight and claims it was all down to dieting. On what? Rice cakes and crack?


Madonna goes to Africa with wardrobe full of bad sarongs and tshirts. Haven't those people suffered enough?

Britney Spears keeps her knickers and her wig on. That must be some kind of record.

Matthew McConnaughey is still screaming "I'm gay!" but no-one is listening.


Victoria Beckham still hasn't cracked a smile (or eaten) but worse still, she hasn't worked out how to just a Continental toilet yet.


Reese Witherspoon is still dating Jake Gyllenhaal.

Tom Cruise continues his mission to grow a fully formed pair of moobs. No long to go till you can buy your first bra, Tom.


And finally, sexism is alive and well. Angelina, says Star magazine, has "walked out on Brad", leaving him with the four kids so that she can start work on a new film in Chicago. While I question her pick'n'mix attitude to motherhood, I also wonder whether male actors make the same headlines when they leave their wife and kids at home go on location.

Kids in America

It's all happening this week. First there's Britney. Her family and agents think that the bald head warrants rehab so she's been in and out a couple of times over the last few days. Her commitment to doing something she's been told to do is so strong that she lasted 24 hours the first time and a couple of hours the next. I know rehab is Hollywood shorthand for 'contrition in return for increased record sales' but Britney obviously doesn't want to go and until she does, it's not going to work. Also, has anyone considered the possibility that rehab is not going to undo the damage done by years of fame and money. Group therapy and chanting are not going to change her personality. If they can change her choice of wigs, though, that would be a start. The girl has money but she still insists on buying white trash tat.


Then there's Mrs Beckham. If she carries on subjecting her children to this kind of attention then she can expect them to start shaving their heads and wearing cheap Marilyn Monroe wigs in about ten years time. Don't want to fuck your kids up, then don't expose them to the media circus. And don't complain about it. I wouldn't recognise most footballers never mind their wives. There's a good reason for that and it's because Victoria Beckham is a media whore. One look at these kids' faces tells you all you need to know.

And finally, just when you thought that Brad and Ange had been quiet for a while, the adoption roadshow is back on track. To add to their multi-ethnic brood, Brange have applied to adopt a boy from Vietnam. They saw him last November and have filed papers to bring him over. I can only assume that they'll be heading over to Africa for the next addition to the family just to keep the numbers even. And what about Latin America? They seem to be missing out a whole continent here.

Meltdown

Things are quite literally not looking good for Britney Spears. After lasting just 24 hours in rehab in Antigua, she turned up at an LA tattoo parlour for two more alluring pieces of body art and then proceeded to shave her head. Completely bald. I know the extensions were looking ratty but that's quite a radical move. It won't make that much difference to her kids; after all they rarely see her and when they do her hair is usually a different colour and length. It will, however, make a huge difference to her record label. I'm guessing her new album might be slightly delayed now that the once pristine pop princess has become a card carrying skank. Suddenly pictures of a shoeless Britney using a public toilet seem like small fry. Britney trying to get more attention by shaving her hair off is altogether in a different league. Going bald isn't going to help you figure out why everyone suddenly hates you, Britney. It will get you attention but not the kind you want. Laying off the booze, drugs and partying, putting on some knickers and acting like a responsible parent, that might just help you win back some votes.

Britney's gonna get you

Penelope Cruz, watch your back. Olivier Martinez might be yours now but there's new woman back on the dating market and she's on a mission. Yes, Britney Spears is now young, free, single and incredibly desperate to snort as much coke as possible and sleep with anyone. So, Olivier, your luck's in.

It seems that Isaac Cohen had more going on upstairs than I gave him credit for. He saw that Britney was prime car crash material and decided it would be better to get out. A 'friend' (ie some lowlife willing to sell out a friend for money) is quoted as saying: "He's been looking to get out of the relationship for a while. It was a bit much for him. There was a lot of drama - it was too much of a whirlwind. It wasn't one thing in particular. He likes her. They had a good time together. He was doing his best to help her out - but there is only so much one person can do." Could this be Fed's moment to move in for the reconciliation?

Another day, another loser

KFed has obviously left a loser-shaped hole in Britney's life that she's desperately trying to fill with just about anyone (Paris Hilton to name but one). The latest candidate to fill KFed's old spot, one actor-model Isaac Cohen, should do the job quite well. He looks like KFed, he dresses like KFed and, just like KFed, he seems to think that we all want to see his pants (in the British sense of the word). Britney might want to get into them but I certainly don't want see half of them spilling out of his jeans. I can only assume I'm getting old.

Tumble and fall

Does this sound like grovelling to you? Because, from where I'm sitting, it does. In an address to her 'fans' on her website, Britney claims to be more mature and 'free'. I think we can all safely say that she's free with her underwear choices and her consumption of alcohol. As for mature? I've seen pieces of Stilton with more maturity.

Apparently, with the media turning on her and a terrible new album, Britney is finally getting on her knees before her dwindling fans. And no, not like that. Not yet anyway. Come back after the new album has been released and Britney might well have to start turning tricks of a different kind.

Dear Fans,

It has been a while since I've addressed you personally here on my official website. The last couple of years have been quite a ride for me, the media has criticized my every move and printed a skewed perception of who I really am as a human being. Behind every decision I have made in my public life there always seems to be an apparent contradiction. I have come to terms with that which is why I usually don't pay much attention to it.

The last couple of years have been very enlightening for me and now that I've had the time to be "me," I've been able to sit down and think about where I want to go with myself as an entertainer with absolutely no strings attached. I am now more mature and feel like I am finally "free." I've been working so hard on this new album and I can't wait for you all to hear it and to go on tour again! I would like to exclusively tell you that I am working hard to release the new album sometime later this year, but the date is of course not certain yet. I look forward to coming back this year bigger and better than ever, and to also reaching out to my fans on a more personal level. I noticed today that one of my biggest fansites is shutting down soon and I want you all to know that I do understand all the reasons that went behind making that decision, and I am sad to see it closing. If I were you I'd be unhappy too if I had to read what I've been reading every day. But trust me, I get it. I know I've been far from perfect and the media has had a lot of fun exaggerating my every move, but I want you all to know that I love my fans so much, and I appreciate everything you have done for me, so Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

Love,
Britney

http://www.britneyspears.com/

Happy New Year

We're just three days into the New Year and already the fatalities are piling up. First off is Kate Moss, a woman who can bounce back from public crack use to huge riches. She may have racked up the contracts since being photographed doing drugs but will she keep raking in the money now that she has apparently married her crack guru, Pete Doherty?

Moss and Doherty are said to have tied the knot in Thailand at some sort of candle lit ceremony though I'm not totally convinced that an onlooker didn't confused lighting up the crack pipe with a teelight. The fashion industry clearly doesn't give a shit about Moss's drug use - she sells their stuff, she gets their money. Anything else doesn't matter. However, what will social services have to say about Doherty being a permanent fixture in Moss's daughter's life? Hopefully, a lot. Would you want your children waking up to this man everyday?
And, of course, where would we be without Britney Spears falling down drunk somewhere? New Year's Eve saw the hard-drinking single mother out in Vegas. After hitting the champagne all night Britney then passed out and have to be carried out. Her publicist naturally denies this but it's Britney. She doesn't wear knickers and she can't hold her drink.
And finallly, I have nothing particular to say about Christina Aguillera other than lay off the fake tan. You are orange. And no, that's not a good thing.

Happy Birthday Mom

What do most mothers get for their birthdays? Perfume, handbags and chocolate must come high on the list but Britney Spears had other ideas when she celebrated her mother's birthday in LA. There was certainly no handbag on the menu for Ma Spears just the sight of her daughter gyrating in a see-through lace dress on the stage at burlesque club 40 Deuce. And old Britney wasn't just on stage for a quick turn. With a cigar clamped in her mouth, she gyrated for so long that she held up the performance and the management finally had to ask her to go back to her seat. I can only imagine Ma Spears must have been so proud, especially just after seeing pictures of Britney exiting a bush outside another LA club with interesting stains on her skirt.

Knowing Britney's rampant lack of hygiene (visiting public toilets barefoot, anyone?) I'm guessing she was relieving herself among the plants but who knows the real reason could be a whole lot dirtier.

Back to Black

The enforced retreat from partying was never going to last long. Britney, it seems, stayed home long enough to change hair colour, then it was off with the knickers and out the door. Did she think people wouldn't recognise her with her new hair or that black says 'serious' where blonde said 'trashy and not fit to look after children'?

Anyway, to complete the new look, Britney has got herself a new man accessory - music producer Jonathan Rotem (JR). When she wasn't busy out dining and watching movies with him this weekend, Britney was busy sucking off his face in public and, according to one report, in private at his apartment all night. She must be paying that nanny double time.

I Walk The Line

Who needs uptight parents, snotty neighbours or even a divorce court judge when you've got the tabloid press to question your morals? And Britney Spears has certainly been caught in the full beam of its disapproval over the last few weeks. After relentless hounding by journalists who love her (for their circulation figures) and hate her (oo, she's such a slut and leading our young people astray with her lack of moral fibre but, hey, that's good for our circulation figures too), Britney has retired from the party circuit. You can't help but feel she's been forced to do it. Why would she put her slippers on and settle down for a night of TV when she could be out partying with Paris Hilton with no knickers on? She's young, she's recently single and she's rich - all the ingredients for a few months of wildness and pubic nudity. Instead, she's issued a statement on her website justifying her behaviour. What are the chances that she actually wrote that? Or even meant it? Slim, as slim in fact as one layer of fabric separating Britney's bare arse from her car seat.

"It's been so long since I've been out on the town with friends. It's also been 2 years since I've even celebrated my birthday. Every move I make at this point has been magnified more than I expected, and I probably did take my new found freedom a bit too far.

Anyway, thank God for Victoria Secrets' new underwear line! I look forward to a new year, new music and a new me.

I'm just getting started …. Happy Holidays everyone!"

http://www.britneyspears.com/