A Fanciful Mind

Sitting in his cave in the wilds of Afghanistan, Osama bin Laden was burning the midnight oil. He wanted to bring down American culture but just couldn’t think of a way to do it. A few hits of the bong and one toasted cheese sandwich later, Osama hatched a plan. If he could just get his hands on Russell Crowe, then he could rule the world. Mickey Mouse and his cartoon pal George Bush (same IQ, smaller ears) would finally get it in the neck.

Only a man living in a cave could pin all his hopes on Russell Crowe. First off, Russell is a New Zealander. So just how his disappearance would destabilise American culture is anyone’s guess.

And, secondly, everybody would be only too happy to offload him. Malodorous and megalomaniac, Russell is a royal pain in the arse who likes to settle an argument with his fists. Which would explain why he lives on a farm, far from human temptation.

If you wanted to stop the thundering juggernaut of American culture, then surely Brad Pitt, ageing lothario George Clooney and Julia Roberts, the world’s widest smile, are more obvious targets. In fact, you could just make off with the whole cast of Ocean’s Eleven and be done with it.

So why would Al Qaeda want Russell Crowe? Maybe, with his body odour and Grizzly Adams beard, he would just fit right in with.


Russell looking fragrant and clean