F**k you for the music

For those of you lucky enough to be in blissful ignorance, the Eurovision song contest is an annual celebration of Europe’s worst music and fashion. Failed popstars from Latvia, Greece and Bulgaria kit themselves out in glowing spandex and sing about love and global harmony. In Latvian, Greek and Bulgarian. You get the picture.

Despite Britain’s great contribution to music, the UK entry is usually no better than the tat that passes for pop in Estonia or Israel (just when did Israel become part of Europe?). But this year, we surpassed ourselves. Not content with singing shit, the UK wheeled out the big guns of crap this weekend in the battle to become Britain’s Eurovision entry.

Javine, a reject from Pop Stars, strutted out in a dress that could be prosecuted under the trades description act. The tit tape may have been in place but Javine’s breasts wanted their moment of fame. And, one of them got it.

Meanwhile, ‘glamour’ model Jordan took to the stage in a pink rubber catsuit, which graphically highlighted her balloon breasts and her pregnant bump.


Barbie goes S & M

So the nipple fought it out with the expectant dominatrix. And in the end, Javine’s wardrobe malfunction won the night. If this is the best Britain can muster, come Eurovision night, be afraid, be very afraid.