Send in the Clowns

So the style makeover continues. Gone is the Barbie look in favour of ... what exactly? Just what can you call this look? Grace Jones-meets-Metropolis-meets-disaster at the MAC counter? She's ditched the footballer's wife uniform of sports wear and extensions for what she thinks is 'class' but this look doesn't say elegant to me. It says desperately trying to look different and trusting the stylist too much.

SPF

We know that Britney Spears must be feeling hormonal but we now have more proof that she is also stupid and tasteless. Obviously marrying Kevin didn't exactly exhibit an above average IQ but naming your baby Sutton Pierce gives her stupidity an all new dimension. The poor boy sounds like a compost manufacturer. In her obsession to give both her kids the same initials (SPF) she seems to have chosen any old crap to fit the model. And like the other SPFs (did Britney not notice that her kids initials match up to 'sun protection factor'?), those kids' IQs are never going to make above it 50 with the lethal combination of those names and those parents.

Shiloh

You can say all you want about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's interesting take on fidelity but, boy, have they got good genes. That baby has a certain angelic quality as well as her mother's lips and her father's bone structure. She might also inherit their tattoo-loving, thrill-seeking, unfaithful ways but we probably won't see the effects of that for quite some time.

Thin watch again

And we thought Nicole Richie had won the transparent celebrity of the week award (see below). But one quick look at Kate Bosworth, Orlando Bloom's on-off love interest, and you know that Nicole has a rival in the emaciated stakes. Looking down Kate's top is like looking at a rack of lamb - you can see each and every rib and it's not pretty. Pass the mint sauce.

Thin watch

Back in the world of the wafer thin, Nicole Richie continues to waste away. Who's she kidding with that big iced coffee? She's certainly not drinking that cup of cream-laden lard - it's probably just something to sick up into after she even just looks at food. It's a worrying time when even her nylon extensions have more body than her.

Oliver!

I can only assume these two are auditioning for Oliver, the musical. There is no other explanation (or excuse) for that cap and that dress.

Desperate Mom

If Marcia Cross is already complaining of the pressure to stay thin for Desperate Housewives, imagine the pressure she'll be under now that she's pregnant. After marrying a big rubber-faced man in June, Marcia has managed to move from married to mum in less than two months. That's some result. And she's likely to have swallowed massive doses of hormones to get there so fast at her age (44). That's a lot more than she'll be swallowing after she gives birth in April next year.

Suri Cruise

What can I say? Suri Cruise is very cute. She looks like her parents, though, so that poor bubba is going to want to shake off that crackpot Cruise heritage (but not money - especially the money her heartless, exploitative parents got for this shoot) as soon as she's old enough. Plastic surgery, joining a nunnery, becoming a librarian - the options are endless.

Justin Singlelake

If Matt Dillon wants to win back ex-girlfriend Cameron Diaz, then he'd better get strategising because that woman is going to be back on the market sometime very soon. Current beau Justin Timberlake seems to be about a commitment-free zone so Cam had better shelve any plans to settle down with him. Asked about the possibility of wedding bells by chatshow host Ellen Degeneres, Timbers gave the ultimate slippery answer.

Ellen: I need to know, should I get a bridesmaid dress now or not?"
Justin: "Know what? Go ahead and reserve one. The only thing is, you'll have to stay the same size for the next 15 years."

He might be sick of answering questions about his personal life but then again he might just be limbering up for the single life.

Sheath

Let's face it - that husband is never going to go with anything she wears. That skeletal crackhead look doesn't accessorise any outfit but for the love of God, JLo, what is this silver sheath all about? It's too short, the neck is too high, the boots don't match and don't even get me started on the knitted hat. The stylist who sold her this futuristic slutty Romanian peasant look must be one hell of a sweet talker. If you can talk someone into that, you could talk Tom Cruise into Islam.