Spanish affair

I would never put 'Woody Allen' in the same sentence as 'healthy romance' but Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are forcing my hand. Both Spanish actors appear in Allen's new film, still just titled 'Summer Project', about a painter, his ex-girlfriend and some American tourists. It seems that art has spilled over into real life as Cruz and Bardem are now dating.

This is good on two fronts. Firstly, Cruz finally proves that she's more than just a Scientology puppet after all those years with alien dwarf Tom Cruise. As for Bardem, at least he didn't go for the obvious Hollywood choice, Scarlett Johansson, who also stars in the Allen film.

Third Time Stupid

While Britney Spears patches things up with her mother (and hopefully gets some decent advice for a change), Pamela Anderson has picked up the stupid baton. And she is running with it for all she's worth. Not content with marriages to two other idiots (Tommy Lee and Kid Rock), Pammie has married Rick Salomon. You know, the guy who made a sex tape with Paris Hilton. Oh, and was married to Shannen Doherty. Yeah, he's real classy, just the kind of guy you'd want bringing up your kids.

Pammie clearly thought the wedding was so important that she squeezed it in between the 7pm and 10pm performances of Hans Klok's magic show in Vegas, where she is his 'assistant'. (And who knew there was someone called Hans Klok?). Some people pop out from work for a wax but Pammie had to take it to the next level. The lunchtime wedding. Just like a wax, it's quick and unlikely to last more than three weeks.

Hawaii Sex O

And it just keeps on getting worse. Fresh from handing the kids over to KFed under orders from a court, Britney is now facing another potential personal disaster. Never mind the driving licence/hit-and-run incident - some guy in Hawaii is claiming he made a sex tape with Britney this summer and he's going to make it public.

Britney apparently met this guy at the bar of the Four Seasons hotel one evening in June. After more than a few drinks and no doubt a few snorts in the rest room, Britney took the guy to her room. Before getting down to 25 minutes of 'disappointing' sex, the guy turned his camera on and captured his lacklustre performance for posterity. And clearly for the huge amount of money he stands to make from either handing over the tape to Britney or selling it to some unscrupulous internet company.

So far, he's held back the tape because he's ashamed of his performance. No doubt he was distracted by all dollar signs flashing in front of his eyes.

Bye bye babies

Well, the inevitable has happened. Britney is still on Planet Crazy-Fuck-'Em-All and has temporarily lost custody of her kids. A judge ruled yesterday that the kids go to KFed as Britney allegedly failed to take a random drug and alcohol test. And she couldn't provide a California driver's licence.

Though she hasn't failed a test, the outlook is bleak. The kids have gone, albeit for now, to the ex and there's a hit and run incident on police record despite the absence of a driving licence. Oh and a body guard who's happy to detail Britney's drug, alcohol and nudity habits for the world's press.

She's going back to court on Wednesday but the chances of getting the kids back are slim. If she can't be bothered to get a driving licence just how bothered can she be to look after her kids? What kind of responsible adult is she if she's willing to drive under the influence with the kids in the car? When getting to the shops is more important than your kids' safety, you have to question your priorities.