Bad Week for Bad Britney

And things just keep getting worse. After her lawyer and management quit earlier this week, Britney was branded a "habitual, frequent, and continuous" user of "controlled substances and alcohol" by Los Angeles Superior Court judge Scott Gordon in her ongoing custody wrangle with KFed.

Gordon ordered Britney to have a random drug test twice a week, as well as ruling that she and KFed were to be "restrained from making derogatory remarks about the other party and the other party's family or significant other." Some chance but you can hope.

Gordon also ordered Spears to see a therapist at least once a week and hire a parenting "coach." In addition Britney and KFed He have to sign up for a Parenting Without Conflict programme.

Now most people would see this list of orders as a wake-up call, especially with key staff quitting left, right and centre. But not Britney. Oh no. So where did she go after the court hearing? Out drinking Winston’s and Hyde in Los Angeles, that's where. Not only did she drink but she was seen gyrating on tables. I'm not sure the judge is going to see that as the behaviour of a committed mother. It might prove to be the behaviour of a mother who needs to be committed.

Bye Bye Britney

It's nice to see that Britney's keeping busy. As well as alienating her family, friends and fans, she's now lost her manager and lawyer Laura Wasser, who was representing her in the ongoing custody battle with KFed. Nice work for one week. Her management company, The Firm, were cryptic about their reasons for quitting but I think we can all read between the lines.

"It saddens us to confirm media reports that we have terminated our professional relationship with Britney Spears," said The Firm in the statement. "We believe Britney is enormously talented, and has made a terrific record. But current circumstances have prevented us from properly doing our job. We wish Britney the best."

I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking that the Firm really wanted to say that Britney has lost the plot, can't be bothered to work, is taking too many drugs and is about to lose her kids in a very public court case. Oh, and getting banned from the exclusive Chateau Marmont hotel in LA for walking around the corridors smearing food on her face. Not exactly the kind of client you want on your books. And not exactly the virgin princess of old.

Gimme No More

The day had to come and it is most definitely here. Britney Spears' private life has been on the slide for a long time and now her career has very publicly hit the skids too. Billed as her comeback, Britney's opening performance at the MTV VMA show this weekend was poor beyond belief. We all know she lip syncs but someone forgot to tell Britney that she lip syncs. It had clearly slipped her mind over the last few months amid all that partying, hair shaving, child neglect and general self-abuse. So Britney didn't move her mouth in time with her own lyrics. Nor did she bother to move in time with her own music. Dressed in spangly pants and bra and oozing all the sexual allure of dead-eyed cow, Britney looked like a lumpen, talentless kid pushed onto the stage by her overbearing parents. If you're going to wear next to nothing, then lay off the beer and fries. I'm all for banning size zero lunacy but equally a beer belly hanging over your knickers ain't sexy. If you don't believe it could really be that bad then watch the whole sorry debacle for yourselves.

Broke-Up Mountain

Well, who couldn't see this one coming? Only myopics who in the wilds of Borneo. For the rest of the world, Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams' break-up should come as no surprise. Young, parents by accident, filming all over the world - in short the usual recipe for celebrity romantic disaster. And yet they look so happy together.

Still, it will give the tabloid press something to chew over. Was there someone else involved? Will they get back together? What did his mother have to say on the subject? His cleaner? How long will it take for Michelle to be spotted having an 'intimate dinner' with Jake Gyllenhaal?