Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Oscar Nominations

Ready for the totally expected? Well, here you are then. Gay cowboys obviously rock in Hollywood because Brokeback Mountain got eight nominations. George Clooney got three for his film Good Night, and Good Luck in the for best picture, best supporting actor and best director categories. The only mild shock came in the best picture nominations, when Walk The Line didn't make the final line-up but then either Reese Witherspoon or Joaquin Phoenix are likely to be taking home a little statute on the big night.

Best Picture
Brokeback Mountain
Good Night, and Good Luck

Best Actor
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
Terrence Howard, Hustle & Flow
Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain
Joaquin Phoenix, Walk the Line
David Strathairn, Good Night, and Good Luck

Best Actress
Judi Dench, Mrs. Henderson Presents
Felicity Huffman, Transamerica
Keira Knightley, Pride & Prejudice
Charlize Theron, North Country
Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line

Best Supporting Actor
George Clooney, Syriana
Matt Dillon, Crash
Paul Giamatti, Cinderella Man
Jake Gyllenhaal, Brokeback Mountain
William Hurt, A History of Violence

Best Supporting Actress
Amy Adams, Junebug
Catherine Keener, Capote
Frances McDormand, North Country
Rachel Weisz, The Constant Gardener
Michelle Williams, Brokeback Mountain

Best Director
Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain
Bennett Miller, Capote
Paul Haggis, Crash
George Clooney, Good Night, and Good Luck
Steven Spielberg, Munich

Best Original Screenplay
Good Night, and Good Luck
Match Point
The Squid and the Whale

Best Adapted Screenplay
Brokeback Mountain
The Constant Gardener
A History of Violence

Monday, January 30, 2006

U 2 could look like this

Folks, I had it all wrong. Brad Pitt isn't morphing into the strangely hot Benicio del Toro. No, he's actually taking a leaf out of Bono's style book. The dodgy black hair, the pasty face, the black wardrobe. Now all Brad needs to do is wait till his hair falls out and get some ratty plugs just like Bono.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Brad del Toro

Meanwhile, back in Jolie-Pitt world, a weird transformation is going on. The once blond and chiselled Brad is slowly morphing into Benicio del Toro. While Brad could use some of Benicio's way superior acting skills, he could do without the jowls and strange dark hair. Whatever happened to Brad's Fightclub look? It's more like Fatclub these days.

Hands-off Mother

And the point of having this new baby is what exactly, Meg Ryan? If you can't even be bothered to carry her yourself and have a nanny do the work for you, just why did you adopt her? Meg might have picked up a few hundred Brownie points for the adoption itself, but the baby's not going to care too much about that when she's lying on an analyst's couch in 20 years time complaining about her distant mother. To give Angelina Jolie her dues, she always carries her children and makes sure they bond with her - even if it is to the point where they question why they have feet since they never touch the ground.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Hello Baby Jane

Anyone planning on a shot of Botox should be shown these pictures before going under the needle. Your wrinkles might be relaxed but the rest of your face will not work any more. Yes, that means you Teri Hatcher. You might starve yourself to look like a pre-pubescent girl but your twisted face makes you look old and desperate. You truly are a desperate housewife.

And Madonna's no better. Her tranny body looks good for a 47 year-old but her face looks like it's made of wax. And just a quick tip - no-one wants to see that far up your skirt.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Brad and Ange go public

For an adulterous couple, Brad and Ange seem to have taken a leaf out of a 17th century courtship book. They've spent over a year walking at a distance to each other or sitting miles apart or with a chaperone-type child in betweeen. There has been no physical contact in public at all in the manner of a couple waiting to marry in some backward, heavily religious society. But we knew that chaste behavious was public repentance for sending Jennifer Aniston into therapy and the porky arms of Vince Vaughn.

So, imagine my surprise at these pictures. Now that we all know he impregnated her, Brad and Ange are finally acting like a couple. There's no Britney and Kevin: Chaotic style reality show but they're finally holding hands. Maybe this time next year they might actually hand holds AND smile at the same time.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Adoption Fever

What do you do when you can't get a man and any decent film parts? The obvious answer is, of course, adopt a child. Cue Meg 'Lilo Lips' Ryan's adoption of a little Chinese girl. While I can't but salute her philanthropic gesture, there's something a bit Mia Farrow about the whole thing.

Since Meg cheated on hubbie Dennis Quaid with deodorant and charisma-free zone Russell Crowe, her career has gone right down the pan. 'Against the Ropes' anyone? From being a surefire headliner ('When Harry Met Sally', 'Sleepless in Seattle', blah blah) Meg hasn't exactly been box-office gold of late. She didn't even shine in her little foray into indie movies, 'In The Cut'.

Maybe, now she has her hands full, she'll forget about the Botox and collagen implants. Even with the pumped up lips and adopted baby, she's never going to be Angelina.

To bare or not to bare?

Gwen Stefani and Angelina Jolie neatly give us the two schools of thought on pregnant tummies. Strangely for someone who drapes herself in shapeless black sacks, Angjo is giving us a bit of stomach, complete with a tattoo. And in case you're wondering, it's Latin for 'what nourishes me also destroys me'. What, like chocolate? Anyway, we'll see what that tattoo looks like by the time she hits nine months.

And then we have Ms Stefani who is covering up to the max. Not content with with jeans she's thrown a capacious dress over the top. I get the feeling that her stomach is going to stay firmly under at least two layers of winter clothing.


I'm not saying that Halle Berry isn't hot but she's nowhere near as hot as the guy she's currently dating. Gabriel Aubry is a 30 year-old Canadian model and you can certainly see why anyone (famous, rich, poor or blind) would want a piece of this man. Halle claims that when the time comes for motherhood, she's just going to get herself some sperm. I'm guessing that the turkey baster option seems a lot less attractive now.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Friends Reunited

You thought that the storylines between Ross and Rachel couldn't get more contrived? Will they finally get back together? Oh no, Rachel's just going to tell him how she feels as Ross introduces a new girlfriend to the guys in Central Perk. Repeat adnauseam.

Well it seems you and I were both wrong. They can get more contrived and the result is coming to a screen near you very soon. NBC is apparently bringing the Friends together for four one-hour specials. Jennifer Aniston is said to have been the last one to agree to do it all again, theoretically because she's the only one with a career to speak of. But that's not entirely true as anyone who's seen Rumour Has It, Derailed or Along Came Polly will tell you. She commands millions to star in a film but has yet to prove she's a bankable Hollywood name. She should thank Brad and Angjo for giving her all that exposure otherwise she'd have been first in the queue to sign on the dotted line for a Friends spin-off.

Talking of which, NBC are supposedly looking at a spin-off for Joey, Chandler and Ross called It's A Guy Thing. Shouldn't that be It's A Saviour For Limited Actors? Matt Leblanc hasn't exactly been bringing in the viewers with his lame offshoot Joey and David Schwimmer has been doing theatre in London and Matthew Perry has been busy finding new young girlfriends, contemplating marriage, getting fat, breaking up with them and then taking up tennis again. On a constant loop. It's getting old, Matt, and so are you.

Unordinary Boy

I can't be the only person to have spotted that Preston in Celebrity Big Brother is hot. He's small, granted, but he's cute and he's got style. The only thing he hasn't got is taste. His passion for fellow contestant Chantelle (nylon blonde hair, green eyeshadow and a synthetic wardrobe that could power London with its static electricity) is his major downfall. That and his recycled 1980s ska band, the Ordinary Boys. We've heard it all before, sung better.

Sienna and Jude - again

These two must really feel dejected when they're not on the front pages of the tabloids. They just can't cope if their lives are free from drama and photographers aren't hiding in the bushes outside their house. They've been out of the spotlight for a few weeks so it was obviously time for another instalment in their epic romantic saga.

This time the cause of their break-up is Jude's plans to get a house with his ex-wife so that he can spend more time with his kids. Evil plan to start schtupping his ex again or a genuine attempt to see his kids? This is Jude Law we're talking about here - wife-swapper and nanny-shagger but that doesn't stop him being a good, if slightly tired father.

Will there be another round of breaking up/getting back together/breaking up/getting back together? Frankly I don't care. Only Jude and Sienna do because it ensures their names are in big black capitals on every issue of the gutter press.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Lycra nightmare

You thought the pink leotard was bad? Then think again. Madonna has taken her new found love for lycra to the next level and not only gone for white (to prove just how goddamn thin she is) but added some sequins, studs and laces to boot. The result? Come back pink leotard, all is forgiven. You're a pop icon Madonna, not some C-list celeb on a ballroom dancing show.

New year, new man

Go Halle Berry. Judging by this picture, Halle has bagged herself a male model. Can he count up to ten? Can he walk AND talk? Who cares when he looks that good. I can see why Halle is licking her lips.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Oh Baby

Not content with having two adoptive children, Brad and Angjo apparently decided they wanted to double their number of kids in one go. One dose of fertility treatment later and Angjo is having twins. That's the word on the street. Angjo certainly is showing already but twins?

She might have the power over Brad now with her independence and vixen mindmeld but she's not going to be so independent and hot when she's got a baby on each leaking breast and throbbing piles.

And how the hell is she going to carry all four of them at the same time? Answers on a postcard.

Starvation or surgery?

Just a few short weeks ago Janet Jackson looked like Queen Latifah had swallowed her. Where had the lithe woman with the bra malfunction gone? No rockhard abs, just a lot of lard to keep out the winter cold. Now suddenly she's snapped into shape. Suspicious, me? Of course. Who can drop all that fat in a few weeks? Someone who's had the fat sucked out of them and then had the remaining flab surgically rearranged, that's who.

And as for Hatcher, words almost fail me. So she's not anoxeric? Yeah, her legs are just naturally the same size as her 8 year-old daughter. If George Clooney is dating her, he'd better seal the deal fast because this woman is disappearing fast.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Spot the star

Who is this chubby putz? Is it Elton John's younger brother? Or maybe a long lost cousin of Elvis (clearly as he careered towards that cheeseburger on the toilet moment)?

No, it's Jared Leto. Surprised? I certainly was. He usually looks like a male model/surfer but here, playing John Lennon's killer in a film called Chapter 27, he looks like a fat schmuck. Amazing what a bad wig and a diet of fast food can do for you.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Golden Globes

In case you hadn't guessed from these pictures, some of the female stars at last night's awards ceremony thought that Golden Globes was the fancy dress theme. So the girls took it seriously and got their globes out in all shapes and forms.

Pammy got it wrong again with this weird breast sling, proving that she has just one successful look: the slut. And she wasn't alone. A whole slew of women got it wrong because they forgot one simple thing: a bra.

If you're breasts are small (like the delectable Natalie Portman looking back on form) or they rigidly hold themselves up (like Victoria Beckham and Ma Hilton's plastic pairs) then you don't need any form of control. If like all these ladies below, you've either got a hefty pair or two low-flying breasts, you need to rein 'em in and hitch 'em up.

Alanis Morrisette needed less dress, more bra.

Emma Thompson could have done with a bit more scaffolding too.

Mrs Matthew Fox was another casualty of the no-bra debacle.

Even bra model Heidi Klum looked like the long slide south was well under way.

And as for Mariah Carey, dear God. We never expect her to look good but each time she steps out in public she plumbs new lows. She might have thought this dress would be slimming. She was wrong and her stylist is too scared to say otherwise. Mariah, surround yourself with yes sayers and you're always going to look like a bloated hooker.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Mummy's girls

Want to know why the Hilton sisters are such a pair of trollops? Well, wonder no longer. Check out old Mother Hilton and suddenly everything makes sense. Madonna might be able to look hot (and not unlike a crossdresser) at 47 but that's because she works out like a Marine and upholsters her assets. Mummy Hilton doesn't look hot at 46 because it's all silicone and no bra. Just because you've bought yourself a pair of 18 year-old's breasts doesn't mean we need to see them and you need to show them. And they don't match your bratwurst upperarms. All that money and she still doesn't know how to accessorise.

In Her Shoes

That's right, Stick Insect, rub in the fact that you weigh less than a vanilla pod while you're 'friend' is retaining more water than the Hoover dam. Katie is trying to make herself feel better by buying a new pair of glitzy shoes but Posh feels better just hanging out with someone bigger than herself (not difficult, only her reflection could weigh less).

The body language in this shot says a lot about these girls' relationship. Katie looks awkward and embarrassed (even without the midget nutjob) and Posh looks like she's trying too hard (always the same old story).

Sunday, January 15, 2006

The Eminem Show

Samuel Johnson might have died in 1784 but that man knew his shit. He famously said "A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience." If I can add a twist to his wise words, a second marriage to the same person is the triumph of fullblown lunacy over reason, as Eminem and his lip-liner loving bride Kim are about to find out.

One stab at the poisoned cherry just wasn't enough for these two. They married in 1999 and then divorced but then decided to do it all again yesterday. Despite suicide attempts, a drug problem and a bitter custody battle, Eminem still thinks this woman is the one for him. Maybe he just likes women who look like Russian hookers.

Friday, January 13, 2006

The Tin Man trades in his heart for airmiles

I think I overestimated Brad Pitt's emotional growth this week. It now turns out that Brad did not, as previously thought, show some sensitivity and call Jennifer Aniston to tell her about his impending fatherhood before his publicist broke the news to the waiting world and his dog. Jen got the news with the rest of us according to her publicist. What a nice guy Brad is. Let's hope for his big-lipped offspring's sake that his parenting skills are superior to his skills with women.
And here is the proof that Brad has shared bodily fluids with Angjo. She's still reed-thin but growing that bump.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Jack (Bounce)back

Today we have an ill-advised rebound marriage from a strange quarter. I never thought I'd find myself writing about Jack Black in the same breath as Renee Zellweger but here we are.

Jack is going to marry animator Tanya Haden. He's even bought her a $220,000 engagement ring. Congratulations and all that. And how long have they been together? Well, since Jack split from longtime girlfriend Laura Kightlinger in September. There might have even been some overlap. After eight years with Laura, he went straight into another serious relationship. Is there some sort of abstract malfunction in the celebrity mind? Do they not understand the concept of single?

I can only assume that Jack has picked up a few celeb ways now that he's hit the big time. Next he'll be adopting orphans, wearing hotpants and getting surgery. Dear God, let's hope not.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Baby Jolie-Pitt

People it's official. Angelina is with child. She's going to have a white baby to add to her multi-ethnic brood this summer. I suppose it's easier than outsourcing to a third world country but the downside is that you're kind of stuck with the lame-brained inseminator who can list infidelity as one of his main hobbies. I never thought I'd see the day where Ange was taking fashion tips from Victoria Beckham but that day has certainly come. The poncho is clearly where it's at for Ange now. It hides the bump, it hides the lard, it drives the paparazzi mad. What more could you ask for?

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

The Tin Man gets a heart

Does Brad Pitt have a heart? It seems like he might, or at least he's developed a little sensitivity since cruelly dumping his wife for someone with bigger tits and lips. Apparently Brad has rung Jennifer Aniston to tell her that Angelina is pregnant. Rather than let her hear it third hand or in a screaming tabloid headline, Brad has called her up to tell her the news that can only have her reaching for the biscuits and valium. Courteney Cox Arquette must be doing shifts round the clock.

As someone who wants kids herself and has had to watch her husband set up an instant family with another woman, this has to be one big bitter pill to swallow. And that bloated puffer fish of a boyfriend, Vince, can't be a whole lot of consolation. I sense another big "I'm looking to the future" and "This is the best thing that could have happened to me" interview coming on. Vanity Fair and Oprah must be rubbing their hands with glee.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Suddenly not so single

Jennifer Lopez had better ditch Marc Anthony and marry someone else quick because there are two new ladies vying for her crown as rebound marriage queen. Marriage to fiance Niklas only hit the wall in October but Nicollette Sheridan, she of incredibly tight face, looks like she's about to take a walk down the aisle with Michael Bolton. I know these two went out with each other for a few nanoseconds in the 1990s but still, two months and now you're engaged? Note the rock on her left hand.

And Denise Richards isn't wasting much time either. At the weekend she announced that divorce from Charlie Sheen is back on the table. 10 seconds later she's out shopping with a new man. Admittedly he's much hotter than Charlie but do the words "Renee Zellweger" mean nothing to you?

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Let's get this alimony started

Set your stopwatches because another celebrity marriage is in the starting blocks. Pink has married motocross racer Carey Hart in Costa Rica. The ultimate death knell - Lisa Marie Presley - was present at the ceremony so the signs aren't good. But at least they've been together for five years and they share a mutual love of hair dye. Carey's also starred in The Surreal Life so he should be well prepared for his new life as Mr Pink (though hopefully there'll be less ear-slicing and carnage). The chances are that they will at least last longer than Brit and Kev. But longer than Christina and Jordan? The field is wide open so place your bets.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Rumour has it

Kate Beckinsale is not, repeat not, having an affair in England. Understand? You might think otherwise given the evidence - she's been going to see a sex therapist with husband Len Wiseman, she's not wearing her wedding ring and now she's been spotted with some mysterious guy in London - but you'd be wrong. Wrong until the sequel to Len's film Underworld, in which Kate stars, is out later this year. Once that baby hits the screens then you can be sure that the marriage will conveniently be over.

Love Angel Mummy Baby

For all you Stefani fans out there, here's a picture of the lady herself doing a spot of light shopping at Harrods in London. You can tell she's going to look hot however big she gets.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

You had me at 'I love those scatter cushions'...

Renee just can't keep away from her fey friends. You'd think she would steer clear of romantic liasons with gay men after the Kenny incident but no, here she is again latching onto any available man regardless of their blatant sexuality. The tight orange t-shirt and tapered trousers, let alone the wedding ring on his left hand, should set alarm bells ringing for Renee. Is she deaf? Substitute boyfriend Damien Rice must have his emergency bag packed and ready by the frontdoor because that weepy call is sure to come soon.

The Cooldown

Proof at last that celebs are nothing without hair and make-up (as if we didn't know that already). After a yoga lesson - yes, Vince Vaughn now does yoga - Jennifer Aniston's overtreated, frazzled hair gets the better of her. Meanwhile, Vince clearly needs better lighting to hide those huge eye bags. I'm guessing that, and the fact that big boy Vince has no top on, is why Jennifer is pretending to stare off into the middle distance.

Is Justin the daddy?

Is Cameron Diaz pregnant? This news source seems to think so. I reckon she's just had another accident and was pleasantly surprised to find out that she hadn't broken more bones.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Fashion Faux Pas: number 4032

Ah Posh and Becks. They so want to be at the cutting edge of fashion and yet they always end up riding the arse-end of any given trend. After trying out Kate Moss's shorts and waistcoat look and the gipsy skirt last summer, Posh has trotted out some leather chaps - at least two years after Christina ('Just call me Maria') Aguilera broke hers in. Christina might have sported hers with just a pair of knickers underneath, but Posh, ever fashion-inappropriate, climbs into hers to go to dinner at Nobu. Yeah, there's a whole lot of cattle that needs herding in Berkeley Square.

And Becks is also at least two seasons behind everyone else with his fake fur poncho. It might be a Cavalli number but it's still ugly.

But at least they've patched things up with Ginger. Anyone else find it suspicious that Posh only wants to be friends again now that Ginger is about to get really fat?

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