Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Cool to be brown

As a brunette I can't help but be pleased by the Harpers & Queen list of the world's 100 most beautiful women. The magazine asked 1000 'experts' from fashion, arts and the media to boost the egos of famous women everywhere. And what did they do? They gave brunettes the top five spots, demoting Kate Moss from higher echelons of favour.

While this is good news for raven-haired ladies everywhere, the 'experts' clearly haven't grasped the idea of beauty. Angelina Jolie the most beautiful woman in the world? Hot and soft in the head, yes, most ravishing woman to walk the planet? No. And while supermodel Christy Turlington and domestic goddess Nigella Lawson work lanky grace and buxom wares respectively, who the hell thinks geeky, toothy director Sofia Coppola should be number four, ahead of Moss, Natalie Portman, Emmanuelle Beart and Gisele? She's obviously cool but dating Quentin Tarantino does nothing to improve her looks.

And where is Monica Bellucci?

Friday, May 13, 2005

KO for the OC

Proof finally that money can't buy you love. The OC's most wooden performer, Mischa Barton, has dumped her rich boyfriend Brandon Davis because he lives off his family's money. Going to mummy for a monthly hand-out seems to be a surefire passion killer.

Maybe he could claw back some respect by going on a new TV show. In Survival of the Richest, wealthy parents send their sponging kids off for a few weeks' hard labour so that they learn the value of money. Cue rich whiners crying to camera as they try to brave the 'hardship' of working in salt mines and fishing trawlers. Should Brandon's mum Nancy sign him up for the show, the producers shouldn't let him do any shifts at MacDonald's. He is way too greasy as it is without sweating over congealing burgers.

From one failed relationship to one that is sure to fail some time soon. Britney Momma Spears has admitted that she's let herself go since getting married. No shit. We never thought that when we saw you traipsing barefoot into a public toilet or slugging back another double mocha iced chocolate with extra cream. Just watch Kevin run screaming when she can only fit into housedresses and slippers.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

The Edge of Reason

Foolish celebrity weddings are the gift that just keeps on giving. You just know that Renee Zellweger's whirlwind romance and marriage to country and western singer Kenny Chesney is going to keep churning out column inches when the happy couple realise they don't even know, let alone like, each other.

While everyone thought Renee was busy cosying up to Irish singer Damien Rice, she was in fact busy shacking up with Kenny. Given that she only met Kenny in January, the word 'rebound' and 'mistake' spring to mind. Wasn't she getting back together with White Stripes front man Jack White just a few months ago? The celebrity memory, like the celebrity wedding, clearly doesn't work on normal human or even dog time. Where most humans have evolved from fish into walking, talking bipeds, celebrities are still stuck with a goldfish's memory.

With a four-month courtship and a May wedding, what are the odds on a Christmas divorce?

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Silver sex

Oh Colin Farrell. Why do you always need to jump on any old celebrity bandwagon and then take it that bit too far? First there was the drink and drugs, years after River Phoenix and Robert Downey Jr cornered that market. Then there was the high-volume casual sex. Blah blah blah. Remember Michael Douglas’ sex addiction? Colin, it’s all old news.

And so is this week’s revelation, quite literally. Now that young Hollywood stars think it’s cool to date considerably older celebs (Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes being this week’s couple celebre), Colin just had to get in on the act. But being Colin, he had to strip the deal of any class or finesse. He didn’t want to date someone older for their experience and wisdom; he just wanted to get his rocks off with an old lady.

Apparently Farrell spent two and a half hours begging seventy year-old actress Eileen Atkins for a no-strings attached shag. Clearly a woman of taste, or at least one who can recognise a walking, talking STD, she said no on the grounds that she wouldn’t look so hot with her clothes off. She still weighs the same but it’s all distributed in a different way.

She needn’t have worried. If Colin really is the career drunk he claims to be, his blood will be distributed unevenly too. Usually to swell his overinflated ego rather than his manhood.

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