Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Blonde Ambition

Moving to LA would be a challenge for most people. The smog, the skinny culture, the skinny celeb obsessed culture. Imagine, then, how Victoria Beckham feels moving from Europe, where she has the monopoly on being a front page skinny, to LA where every block is teaming with skinny wannabes. And on top of that nobody knows who she is until her new reality show goes to air. To remedy this slight recognition problem and stand out from a legion of skinnies with long swishy hair, Posh has gone for the blonde crop. Not many of those in Hollywood are there now? Unless you count Ellen De Generes.


Monday, February 26, 2007

Queen Helen

Helen Mirren, arguably looking hotter than Her Majesty ever has, trounced the opposition to win an Oscar last night. In a town full of ageing celebrities with faces pulled tighter than a calfskin drum, Dame Helen not only triumphed in the best actress category but she also proved that grace, style and wrinkles win over surgery, Botox and butt lifts.

And her face moved, which is more than you can say for Nicole Kidman, whose features are permanently set in a beatific grin by the odd injection and a disastrous marriage. She brought hubby along to the proceedings but will she be dragging him down the carpet with her next year? I doubt it very much.

Naturally, no Hollywood evening is now complete with the original old rictus grin, aka Victoria Beckham, making an appearance. Perhaps conscious that her skinny limbs don't set her apart any more (who's famous and not skinny in LA? You can probably count them on the fingers of one bony hand), Posh covered up for once. If only she'd cover up completely. The full veil would for me.

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Friday, February 23, 2007

Kids in America

It's all happening this week. First there's Britney. Her family and agents think that the bald head warrants rehab so she's been in and out a couple of times over the last few days. Her commitment to doing something she's been told to do is so strong that she lasted 24 hours the first time and a couple of hours the next. I know rehab is Hollywood shorthand for 'contrition in return for increased record sales' but Britney obviously doesn't want to go and until she does, it's not going to work. Also, has anyone considered the possibility that rehab is not going to undo the damage done by years of fame and money. Group therapy and chanting are not going to change her personality. If they can change her choice of wigs, though, that would be a start. The girl has money but she still insists on buying white trash tat.

Then there's Mrs Beckham. If she carries on subjecting her children to this kind of attention then she can expect them to start shaving their heads and wearing cheap Marilyn Monroe wigs in about ten years time. Don't want to fuck your kids up, then don't expose them to the media circus. And don't complain about it. I wouldn't recognise most footballers never mind their wives. There's a good reason for that and it's because Victoria Beckham is a media whore. One look at these kids' faces tells you all you need to know.

And finally, just when you thought that Brad and Ange had been quiet for a while, the adoption roadshow is back on track. To add to their multi-ethnic brood, Brange have applied to adopt a boy from Vietnam. They saw him last November and have filed papers to bring him over. I can only assume that they'll be heading over to Africa for the next addition to the family just to keep the numbers even. And what about Latin America? They seem to be missing out a whole continent here.

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Saturday, February 17, 2007


Things are quite literally not looking good for Britney Spears. After lasting just 24 hours in rehab in Antigua, she turned up at an LA tattoo parlour for two more alluring pieces of body art and then proceeded to shave her head. Completely bald. I know the extensions were looking ratty but that's quite a radical move. It won't make that much difference to her kids; after all they rarely see her and when they do her hair is usually a different colour and length. It will, however, make a huge difference to her record label. I'm guessing her new album might be slightly delayed now that the once pristine pop princess has become a card carrying skank. Suddenly pictures of a shoeless Britney using a public toilet seem like small fry. Britney trying to get more attention by shaving her hair off is altogether in a different league. Going bald isn't going to help you figure out why everyone suddenly hates you, Britney. It will get you attention but not the kind you want. Laying off the booze, drugs and partying, putting on some knickers and acting like a responsible parent, that might just help you win back some votes.


Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Birthday Rehab

Unlike Amy Winehouse, who famously said 'No, no, no' to rehab, Robbie Williams has chosen his 33rd birthday to say 'Yes, yes, yes'. I know 33 isn't the most exciting birthday. It's no 18, 21, 30 or even 40 but you'd think that Robbie Williams could think of a nicer way to spend his own 33rd birthday. You can imagine the whole day will be a bit short on cake, balloons and champagne.

Never one to shy away from excess, Mr Williams has fallen foul of clean living again, this time hitting prescription drugs a bit too heavily. It's a grim way to start another year but, as one fan who would happily let him entertain me, let's hope Robbie takes one look at Amy and sees the lesson. Falling off the wagon and letting it reverse over you, repeatedly, is not a good look. Thanks to a diet of booze and drugs, she's gone from healthy to frankly horrific. Robbie, no-one wants to see you with that kind of gap between your thighs.

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Monday, February 12, 2007

And the award for worst dressed goes to...

...surely it's got to be Eva Green at this year's Baftas. Is this a real fashion statement or a tribute to the Munsters? The dress looks like it's been made from a pair of curtains taken from a Vegas brothel. Looking at the hair and make-up I can only assume she is a fan of The Cure. If she doesn't have a stylist, then she seriously needs one. If she's got one, then there should be one more person seeking unemployment benefit tomorrow.

And Thandie Newton's homage to the humble mushroom? Another one to file away under 'Expensive Mistakes'.

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Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Britney's gonna get you

Penelope Cruz, watch your back. Olivier Martinez might be yours now but there's new woman back on the dating market and she's on a mission. Yes, Britney Spears is now young, free, single and incredibly desperate to snort as much coke as possible and sleep with anyone. So, Olivier, your luck's in.

It seems that Isaac Cohen had more going on upstairs than I gave him credit for. He saw that Britney was prime car crash material and decided it would be better to get out. A 'friend' (ie some lowlife willing to sell out a friend for money) is quoted as saying: "He's been looking to get out of the relationship for a while. It was a bit much for him. There was a lot of drama - it was too much of a whirlwind. It wasn't one thing in particular. He likes her. They had a good time together. He was doing his best to help her out - but there is only so much one person can do." Could this be Fed's moment to move in for the reconciliation?


Monday, February 05, 2007


Olivier Martinez has proved that life can indeed imitate art. Or at least mainstream Hollywood films, which is just as surprising. After playing the Gallic cad in Unfaithful (plot summary: Diane Lane cheats on Richard Gere with a certain Frenchman), Olivier enjoyed the role was so much that he took it home. And in the end he liked the other woman so much that he dumped his girlfriend of four years, one very small Kylie Minogue. That in itself is cruel, especially for a woman who's gone through so much in the last year. But add to that Olivier's decision to dump her over the phone. Ah, a gentleman right to the end. Hopefully life will keep on imitating art because Richard Gere ends up killing Olivier in Unfaithful, rolling him up in a carpet and chucking him in a rubbish dump. Now that would be poetic justice.

Oh, and the other woman? Penelope Cruz, seen kissing Olivier hours after he 'officially' dumped Kylie. You have to wonder about Penelope's taste in men after going out with Tom Cruise but at least she's seeing a heterosexual this time.

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