Beckham Beauty

Ladies, and not to forget drag queens and cross dressers of all denominations, we can all rest easy now. Yes, we too can look like Victoria Beckham. After years of keeping us all wanting and waiting, Mrs Beckham is bringing out a range of cosmetics.

But be warned there is only some much a sculpting blusher can do for you. Want those hollow cheeks and cadaverous eyes? Then you'll just have to starve yourself and worry endlessly over a philandering husband like Victoria. Want those famously pouting lips? Then you'll have to get yourself some fat from your arse injected into your mouth. No-one ever said 'beauty' was easy.

Desperate Gaystars

Jesse Metcalfe aka the gardener from Desperate Housewives is just so straight. The waxed chest, plucked eyebrows and the boyfriend don't mean anything - this boy just loves the ladies. In fact he's loving a lady right now as I type. Jesse met Nadine from British girl band Girls Aloud in Sydney and they went on a date.

"He was immediately taken with Nadine when he saw her," said a "source" (ie his agent) to a newspaper. "She's a very pretty girl and he also loved her Irish accent." But Jesse won't hear much of it if she's forever lying face down on a pillow for him.

Eventually we'll discover that Jesse is a Scientologist. His friend Tom will find him a starlet happy to marry him and have his turkey baster baby. Until then, Jesse is going to have to make do with C-list celebettes hungry for fame and platonic nights in watching TV and waxing.

Sheryl Crow

Poor old Sheryl Crow has unfortunately joined Kylie as yet another high-profile victim of breast cancer. Sheryl apparently had surgery last week and is now going to have radiotherapy.

Being famous and sick doesn't make you anymore deserving of sympathy than the legions of people currently ill or dying out of the public eye. But at least Kylie and Sheryl are bringing awareness to the disease.

Lance Armstrong, Sheryl's fiance till a few weeks ago, typically had nothing but praise for her. "To all of her fans and friends out there, please keep Sheryl in your thoughts and prayers yet know that I have never known a stronger woman in my life," he said. "I was devastated to hear this news. Once again I'm reminded of just how pervasive this illness is as it has now touched someone I love deeply."

Well, that's cleared up who dumped who in that break-up. Maybe this'll bring them together again.

And, if you want to follow Sheryl's advice and do your bit for Lance's Livestrong foundation, then go to

Hands-free Mum

Money clearly buys you one thing: another pair of hands to do the things you can't be arsed to do yourself. If Britney can't be bothered to put on bra, let alone wash or even brush her hair, she sure as hell can't be bothered to carry her own son. Enter Nanny so that Britney can go to the mall and eat fried chicken with two free hands.

So if you're not holding the baby, let alone breast-feeding him (in other words killing him with formula), then why did you bother to have him? If it was to hold onto K-Fed, then you know that plan's flawed. Baby or no baby, he only loves you for the number of zeroes you've got in your bank account.

Thighs and Prejudice

Am I the only one to see this picture and think "Blimey, her thighs are way bigger than I thought?" When I think of Keira, I think of a skinny, bird-like creature with a boney chest and little arms. I've never consciously thought of Keira's arse and thighs before, which shows you just how great her stylists are. Cover the boney chest and skinny arms with as little material as possible and no-one notices that she's way out of proportion.

And as for her new boyfriend's 'beachwear', words fail me. It's a manly twist on a sarong but that doesn't make it any better. I don't mind a man in a sarong but I do mind Rupert in trousers stolen from a Thai electrician.

The Pitts Do Paris

Brad and Ange just can't get enough of that Parisian lifestyle, what with all that dog crap on the pavements, the fatty food and snotty waiters. It's like a high fat version of Hollywood with bad weather and attitude. They've been in the French capital all month, living in an apartment near the Eiffel Tower. They might even make it permanent because, apart from a few rogue international paps tracking them down in the street, the French press have to leave them alone. Strict privacy laws mean that Brad and Ange could start cross dressing and open a brothel but the press can't say too much about it.
Still, say what you like about this pair of homewreckers, but they must be doing something right. Their kids look happy. Or is that just all the sugar? Or Maddox's impromptu Russian folk dance?

Whores of Mensa

These two pictures surprised me. First of all, I didn't have Eva Longoria down as a complete ditz but she clearly is. If she can't remember her boyfriend's name to the extent that she needs to have it emblazoned in sequins on her jeans, then her one brain cell must be getting lonely.

Meanwhile, The OC's resident talent-free zone (though she's battling with Benjamin McKenzie for the most wooden performance) surprised me because she can actually walk and carry two coffees at the same time. And scowl too. The woman is a multitasker through and through. Who said you can't be pretty and bright?

Who's the daddy?

Guess who this baby's parents are.

The Mexican

For all you ladies and gentlemen out there who love a bit of Gael Garcia Bernal, here are a few photos from his cover shoot for UK Esquire magazine. You might want to look at the screen side-on to avoid being blinded by his beauty.

She will be loved (loudly and all night)

All I can say to this one is that Star magazine has a brave (read: remarkably stupid) editor. Jude Whore might be a lot of things - sexually incontinent, a swinger and an incredibly bad actor - but would he sleep with Jessica Simpson? And keep her moaning in ecstasy all night at Chateau Marmont?

As we know all know, Jude likes a woman who likes to share her man, either when he's out of the country or in the same bedroom with you and your best friend. Jessica Simpson doesn't strike me as a swinger. She might have, say, slept with Johnny Knoxville while she (and he, for that matter) was still married, but I'm guessing that's where the fun the stops. Sleep with Lachey and Knoxville at the same time? I'm thinking no. And more than that, would she even know who Jude is? Are The Talented Mr Ripley, Cold Mountain and Alfie in her DVD collection? Is Alfie in anyone's DVD collection?

The theory circulating Hollywood is that Star mistakenly identified Jessica's new lover. Rumour has it that the man who kept Jessica moaning all night was none other than Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine. Still, it makes a change from Adam moaning his way through 45 minutes of interminable songs about Jane.

Ok Go

For something to lighten your weekend morning, watch Ok Go do their A Million Ways dance. It's amazing what you can do for $20 in your own back garden.

Mission Improbable

"Quick," said Tom, "we have to do something to prove to the world that we are still a couple. Could you quit fiddling with the scatter cushions? I've only just arranged them in a spectrum of tonal hues."

Katie put down the green ("Tuscan olive" said Tom) cushion and thought long and hard. "We could just do what we normally do," she said. "Tell the press we are going to be somewhere at a certain time and then grin and kiss and hold hands in a really awkward way. They take the photos, plaster them all over the papers and we're off the hook again. You go back to make tapenade and bottling your own greengages and I get to sit on the sofa and eat."

"I like your style," said Tom. "Pass me the phone."

What It Feels Like for A Girl (or a Guy)

Never mind the big question mark hanging over her marriage, I'm more interested in Madonna's gradual transformation into a man. She increasingly looks like a body builder trying to prove she's still a woman. 'I might have sinew and muscle popping out all over the place, but I'm in a dress! I've got over-styled blonde hair and a flick! I've got lady written all over me!' With those man hands, you are fooling no-one.

Is Tomkat no more?

The X Files always maintained that the truth is out there. And so, my fellow sceptics, the truth has hit the news stands like a small rentboy dropping to his knees before Tom Cruise.

Life & Style is admittedly no hallowed organ of unbiased journalism but us beggars can't always be choosers. They claim that - shock, horror, it can't be true - Tom and Katie have split up. The magazine quoted some 'friends' of the couple who said that T&K would keep going with the charade of their romance until after the birth of their baby.

Cue vigorous denials from Cruise and Holmes. "It should be known that the story is 100% false," said spokesman Arnold Robinson in a statement. Of course, it's false. There was never a 'relationship' there in the first place.

Careless Whisper

When I saw this picture of Keith Urban at the Grammys, I thought one thing. Well, two things actually, the first being, sheesh he needs to stay away from the fake tan. And then I thought, with the fake tan and the open shirt, he reminds me of someone. And then I thought, with the fake tan, the open shirt, the hairless chest and the highlights in his hair, he really does remind me of someone. Someone taller than midget mindmeld Tom Cruise but no less gay. Yes, George Michael sprang to mind. He's even got a gold hoop earring and a leather jacket like Mr Michael. For God's sake, Nicole, one gay husband is unlucky but two? That's just plain careless.

It's Over, Pammie

It's a sad day when someone makes Mariah Carey looks good. Well, Pamela Anderson, your day has come. In a similar lowcut, slashed-to-thigh black dress, Mariah actually looks better.

On a rational level, that doesn't seem possible. Mariah seems to have some kind of body dysmorphia, squeezing herself into the tightest, most revealing dresses in the unfounded belief that she's as lithe and leggy as Gisele. The smaller and sluttier the dress, the happier she is.

While that's usually Pammie's dress code, something has gone wrong here. The laws of physics are out of whack. Normally, she has a simple formula for sartorial success. Cut-off Daisy Duke shorts and a white shirt: kind of hot. Tracksuit bottoms and a tight t-shirt: also kind of hot in a Mum at the school gates way. But here, in this black dress, with those airbags, that ageing knobbly knee and a hint of crotch, that look screams what we all knew but Pammie is trying hard to ignore. You're time is up. No amount of frolicking with young actors, ex-husbands and rock stars is going to recapture your youth.

Get down to your surgeon and get those puppies whipped out. Nobody, except the sad, topshelf audience, wants to see a woman pushing 40 with enormous plastic breasts in a crotch skimming dress. I'm not being ageist. I don't really want to see anyone work that look but it looks so much worse the older a woman gets. Jordan, let this be a lesson to you.

Spelling mistake

The tattoo is not the most practical sign of love in Hollywood. You meet, you fall in love, you get a tattoo about your undying love, you break up and all within about three nanoseconds. In fact, even before the ink and scab have dried on your tattoo. Old Dean might think that the tattoo hurt but it's going to hurt alot more when Tori dumps him, he has to get his tattoo lasered off and then go crawling home to his wife. That, my friend, is pain.

Good Night and Good Luck

Oh Teri, you really need to stay away from the Botox. You can only raise one eyebrow when you give your increasingly cadaverous smile. And you also need to stay away from the dark make-up. You might think that smoky eyes make you look like a hot runway model on the red carpet. They don't - you just look like an older woman with a paralysed face trying to recapture her youth. If you keep working that look, you really will need a lot of luck with George.

Baby love

We have proof, finally, that Brad had a hand, and maybe more, in giving Angelina that baby bump. A photographer stalked them in Paris and got the first shot of Brange's PDA. Tongues and everything.
While we probably wanted to see this, where is morality in stalking someone to give the celeb-obsessed masses what they want? Discuss.

Lessons of the day

Today we learn two lessons. Firstly, Tom Ford loves his San Tropez fake tan a bit too much. Stick him in with a pair of pasty girls like Scarlett and Keira and he looks like he's been hitting the spray booths far too often. Also, girls, just because it's Vanity Fair, that doesn't make it art. Stripping off is stripping off whether it's for Vanity Fair or Loaded.

Secondly, we also learn that age does matter. Francesca Annis might be a hot 61 year-old actress but that didn't stop her younger lover Ralph Fiennes from cheating on her. The 18 year gap did matter and that's why he went sniffing after some young singer half Francesca's age. He'd apparently been schtupping said young lady for two years before he was rumbled. Or rather the young lady ratted on him to the press. Maybe Ralph should learn a lesson from this too. Pick your lovers more wisely. If they've got tabloid journalists on speed dial then keep on walking.

Confessions on a dancefloor

Turns out Madonna might have some very surprising confessions to take to the Rabbi next time she heads off to her local Kabbalah centre. The Daily Mirror reckons Madge has developed a 'special friendship' (tabloid speak for 'the lawyers wouldn't let us say 'shagging' so we're bringing out all the old euphemisms') with Stuart Price, producer of her new album. She apparently spends all her free time hanging out at his house and neglecting poor hubby Guy, who's moping around at home, his career in tatters after he bought that Kabbalah crap hook, line and sinker.

So what's this Price geezer got that a washed up, mockney film director doesn't? Is he young? Check. Is he cool? Check, though he's not that hot to look at. Is he forbidden fruit? Check. Ah, that old chestnut.

So is this all tabloid bollocks? Well, they say there's no smoke without fire. Who'd have thought that the childfree Aniston-Pitts would become the family of four Jolie-Pitts? There's no telling which way a bored/amoral/ageing celeb will go. Madge's publicist has said it's all rubbish but let's not forget that the big M was married to Sean Penn and went out with Dennis Rodman. Based on that evidence, anything is possible. Maybe next year, we'll see the Jolie-Pitts morph into the Jolie-Ciccone.