Ballbreaker - singer - director

Madonna gives with one hand but takes away with the other. This week she's given us Hung Up, which you can't help liking even if you really don't want to. It's only catchy because of the Abba sample but still you've got to give her credit. On the minus side, she's decided to direct films. Now I know she likes husband Guy to press her buttons but surely trying her hand where he is increasingly failing is only going to cause trouble. Not even those pink knickers, which come perilously close to showing us parts of Madonna we don't really want to see (again), won't keep him sweet. I only hope that her directing is better than her acting. Even Elijah Wood, Keanu Reeves and Mischa Barton look good in comparison to her performances in Body of Evidence and Swept Away.

Jude and Sienna: round 52

It's Sunday so Jude Law and Sienna Miller must be back together. Again. They can't get through a whole seven days without changing their minds. The aphrodisiac of infidelity just keeps them coming back for more. Do we give a shit? No, but I thought you might appreciate another look at Sienna's hair. It's starting to look good.

Mother Angelina

And the casting for the Benetton ad continues. Angelina Jolie is planning to add some more kids to her growing brood. To keep the global family look going, she'll have to adopt a Latin American, a European and an Australian kid at some point. While there will be plenty of advertising opportunities if the film work ever dries up, Angelina should listen to two words of caution: Mia Farrow. A seriously unhinged woman who just looks adopting. But even more, she should listen to two words of caution from Mia Farrow: Woody Allen. If the Soon-Yi episode is anything to go by, your adoptive daughter could easily become your husband's new wife and mother to his kids.


The Jolie family in 15 years time

Cheerleader

Victoria Beckham is never one to introduce the new season's look into her wardrobe with any subtletly. It's fashionable so I'll buy the whole look and plaster myself in it, seems to be her mantra. The continually shrinking talent vacuum has, true to fashion, seen that pom poms are in and gone overboard. When most of us would buy a scarf with a couple of small pom poms on it, old VB won't be outshone by anyone else. The result? Part woman part knitted toiletroll holder.

The Truth Factor

Ever thought you'd agree with Sharon Osbourne? A woman with no taste, too much money and an ever bigger mouth? No, neither did I. But she's finally said something sensible.

The surgically remodelled matriarch said Kate Moss's arsehole boyfriend Pete Doherty "needs a bleedin' good slap, that's what. He needs locking down in rehab for a couple of months. And the truth needs to be told to his face.

"There's nothing harder to take than the truth. It's not hip to be in that state he's in. It's not cool, it's pathetic. He needs to be knocked out a couple of times and, get the sh** kicked out of him and thrown into rehab."

It's a violent solution but it just might work.

Big Night Out

At an awards ceremony last night, Jennifer Aniston (who you all love, I know) mimes what she would do to Brad Pitt with two hot bricks...



...while Goldie Hawn give us a staggering display of mutton dressed as lamb. Take a tip from Diane, modesty is becoming at any age. And get yourself something for that 'feminine itching'...




...while Halle Berry gets her outfit as wrong as her roles. Okay, you're really thin and you can wear stripes but how small must that jacket be if it's too tight for you? Did you steal it from Madonna's 2004 wardrobe?

Scientology Spice

We all knew the bit of red string around Victoria Beckham's wrist wasn't enough to keep her in the Kabbalah. Had it been a garish Robert Cavalli bracelet, then she'd have been in it for life. As it stands, her allegiances are open to persuasion so guess who's sunk his claws in? Step up prime persuader no1, Tom Cruise. With Katie now paid off and up the doff, Posh is ripe for the picking. She's already been seen
reading the Scientology handbook ‘Assists For Illnesses and Injuries’ (catchy). I'm hoping there's something in there about eating, self-respect and avoiding plastic surgery.

Model Looks

Charlize Theron, love, lay off the white powder. And I'm not talking about the Columbian marching variety either. She looks like a hopeful for the remake of 1980s film Mannequin, where a hot shop dummy turns into an even hotter woman. Pale might be interesting and ethereal but pale and strangely dead isn't unless you're making some extra money in embalming fluid ads.



And as for Caprice, whose job title has never been clear, now is the time to stop with the nose jobs. And the nylon hair extensions.

Natalie Hooligan

If eyes are the window to the soul, then what is hair? A secret doorway to a evil, hidden world? Since shaving off her locks, Natalie Portman, that educated, delicate flower, seems to have turned into an angry extra for that shoddy football film Goal!. Or maybe watching David Beckham on the field just brings out the worst in her.

Break-up Sunday

I thought Sunday was meant to be a day of rest but, given today's round-up of relationship disasters, maybe it should be the day of divorce. Firstly Britney is facing her inevitable fate as a single mum. Apparently feckless Fed is out drinking with his pals most nights, leaving Britney at home with the baby. See a pattern of absent fatherhood developing here? Britney had better worry if he goes off on tour as a dancer because that really will be the end of it.

And while they're screaming at each other in Malibu, the Spears/Federline rejects are hatching an evil plan of their own. Shar Jackson, the mother of Kevin's forgotten kids, and Jason Alexander, Britney's Vegas husband, are looking suspiciously close. That would be some kind of revenge.



Then TV presenter is Ulrika Jonsson has admitted she is getting divorced from her husband. He was a contestant on a show called Mr Right, she was the presenter. You get the rest. Two years and one child on, they've split, leaving Ulrika with three kids all fathered by different men. Has she not heard of contraception?

And if you ever wanted to know the real definition of a soulmate, wait no longer. Madonna has thoughtfully redefined the word for us. Forgot compatibility, empathy and a shared sense of humour, Madge says your perfect partner is someone who "pushes all your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis". Once she realised this, she no longer wanted to divorce husband Guy. Just what kind of planet is she living on? Someone who pushes all your buttons is usually related to you (or is your boss) - not your husband. Makes you wonder if Madge really fell from that horse after all.

First Wife

Ever wondered why Tom Cruise got divorced the first time? Well, now you know. First wife Mimi Rogers just wouldn't cut it in the rosy pictures of happy, heterosexual family life.

On the one hand you've got to respect the fact that she hasn't had her face hacked about in the quest for eternal youth. I'm hoping the ruddy cheeks are down to strenuous country walks and not a daily bottle of whisky or even a recent chemical peel. But on the other hand, why keep your face natural and then dye your hair black and iron it? It makes her look like a farmer's wife on a day out.

Mum is not the word

Mums, you've got to love them. Tabloid journalists certainly do. So far in the last week, Daniel Craig's mum has ruined his big 007 moment by shouting her mouth off about his new job as James Bond. Now, Gwyneth Paltrow's mum has shot her load to the press too. Asked if she was going to be a grandmother again, she said "Yes I am" before quickly trying to undo the damage. Cue lots of fruit-themed speculation about a name for baby number two. Clementine maybe?

Spot the difference

Dawson Spice

Proof, if any further proof were really needed, that Katie Holmes is hitting every branch on her long fall out of the stupid tree. Her new bestfriend is Victoria Beckham. Tom's advisors (ie Tom's crackpot sister) have no idea idea what they are doing. "Let's get Katie seen with some celebrity mothers to keep her profile high," says crazy sister. So she hooks Katie up with the anoxeric wife of a serial adulterer. Next she'll be hanging out with Britney and then Jordan. Where those Scientologists are concerned, untold wealth in no way compensates for brain power.

And just because it's Friday...

...another classic camel toe shot.

Nicole Richie giving it some good toe before she dropped dangerous amounts of weight. She might look like a sloth but that's no reason to strip down to muscle and bone.

The Pacifier

Brad is so clearly not the boyfriend - he's just the nanny. Trailing along behind Angelina, Brad is just like any other nanny to the celebs. He's holding the kid, wearing wipeable trousers and he's got bad hair. Soon, you'll see him huddled in Starbucks with the other local nannies, drinking lattes and complaining about the parents while the kids write on the walls and are sick in their prams.

Borderline

If you've ever wondered exactly when mutton starts to look really bad dressed as lamb, well look no further. Judging by Madonna's latest revamp, I'd say 47 was the upper limit. Madonna did the 1970s in the 1907s, then again in the 1990s and now again for her new album. And third time round it's doing her no favours. She's dressed like an extra from the Starsky & Hutch film, possibly playing the part of probation officer by day, go go dancer by night.

No one can carry off that Farah Fawcett hair, not even the woman who almost looked good in an enormous, pointy 1950s bra. The tiny jacket makes her skinny body look too long. And, her cheeks might be waxy smooth, but smiling is putting a lot of strain on her frozen face. At least the brow lift looks like it's working though.

Madonna's stylist should go the same way as Guy Richie's cinematic muse: out the door. They've both outstayed their welcome by a couple of albums and films a piece.

Gabrielle Toelis

Eva, we know you look in the mirror. A lot. So why didn't you notice the hideous camel toe effect in this outfit? We've seen a lot of you already but we don't need to see that particular profile.



And Tom Hanks is morphing into Bono, dyeing and straightening his thinning locks.



And, like all celebrity mums on a starvation diet and a military exercise plan, Britney has lost her gargantuan baby belly in a month but alas not the husband and the bad taste. Kevin's cornrows are beautifully offset by Britney's leopard print top and maternity bra ensemble. Class.



Meanwhile, Victoria Beckham continues in her lifelong mission to make expensive clothes look cheap. This week she deploys the tan-out-of-a-tin, the plastic breasts and hair once owned by a Russian peasant to give a Robert Cavalli dress the right look. It was a hard task - the plastic straps on the dress already gave it that cut-price, market stall look - but Posh, as ever, gave it her best shot.

Never Say Never Again

Brad, your days are numbered. She might be playing the hot wife and getting your name tattooed on her arse now, but the end is in sight. Quicker than you can say Billy Bob Thornton.

Angelina is being considered for the role of 'temptress' in the new James Bond film. Shouldn't exactly involve much acting given her recent form and, if Mr & Mrs Smith is anything to go by, life could easily start imitating fiction. Again.

So however much you cling onto your youth by peroxiding your hair and riding a big motorbike, the truth is that Ange is going to be wearing some lingerie and writhing on a bed with the new 007 Daniel Craig some time soon. Remember that W shoot (below)? And see where that got you? You've been warned.

Baby Spice

Geri Halliwell's lapdogs should start calling round the animal shelters for a free kennel because Ginger Spice is upgrading to the single girl's ultimate accessory - a baby. Ginger has gotten herself pregnant by a guy she has been dating since the summer and the baby is due in the Spring. But in true celebrity fuckwit style, she'll be going it alone, having already screwed up her relationship with the father, British journalist Sacha Gervasi (below).



The benefits of a baby are clear for Geri even before it arrives. Thanks to Baby Halliwell, there's no need for yet more breast implants. She can also let herself go and chow down on as much junk food for as she likes.

For all their talk of Girl Power, the Spice Girls have become bad adverts for modern womanhood. Posh Spice is an anoxeric, fashion-obsessed mother of three and married to a serial adulterer, Scary got pregnant by a money grabber, married him and then ditched him and Baby has an on-off relationship with a younger guy. Sporty is the only one to have a seemingly stable relationship with a non-famous person. None of them have any talent but that hasn't stopped them from trying to resurrect their 'careers' every year or so.

Still, at least the baby will be earning its keep. Apart from the 'how I lost my baby weight in three minutes' tabloid serialisation, I sense another autobiography coming on.

Genetic luck

Sharon Stone, Sandra Bullock and Jennifer Lopez certainly lucked out when it came to the handing out the pretty genes. As these pictures show, there are only so many beauty genes per family and Sharon, Sandra and La Lo got them all, leaving their sisters to look like transvestites.

50 Ways to Leave your Lover

Charlie Shanian has filed from divorce from Tori Spelling. That they are getting divorced is no surprise. That they ever got married is. Unless you're a struggling two-bit hyphenate (Charlie is a writer/actor) and a spoilt, facially challenged 'actress'.

To copy the legendary question by uber chatshow host Mrs Merton, "What first attracted you to the daughter of a multimillionaire TV producer?" It clearly wasn't her looks. Even after lots of surgery Tori still looks like some kind of aborted sealife. Could it have been her sparkling personality? Or maybe her fabulously rich dad and bulging contacts book?

And what attracted Tori to Charlie? Maybe the realisation that a pug trussed up in a pink sweater was always going to look better than her.

Bond, James Bond

Not such a bad week for Daniel Craig. It started badly, with the outing of his affair with Sienna Miller. Daniel keeps quiet, Sienna flounces off to Morocco and then pops up in Paris where she meets Jude for lunch and goes crazy about his 'closeness' to unibrowed, buxom Salma Hayek. She's definitely barking up the wrong tree there. Hayek is literally and figuratively a beard for those of the Scientology persuasion.

Meanwhile, Daniel lands the role of Bond, James Bond, serial cad and adventurer. The press might love this fact but think about who actually likes 007. Geeks, kids and old men. You know exactly what's going to happen in each film. James flirts with secretary, James gets a new brief from his crusty boss involving an evil plan to blow up/take over the world, James travels to exotic locations to hunt down evil mastermind and has a couple of detours with scantily clad women, chase scenes involving skis, planes, boats and cars, James saves the world and enjoys a Martini, shaken and not stirred. Blah blah blah. Suddenly Jude Law looks interesting.

Pink Wedding

If you thought Jordan and Pete Andre's wedding couldn't be topped, then you're wrong. Elton John claims his wedding to David Furnish will outdo Jordan and Peter's pink extravaganza of bad taste.

Personally, I don't see how he can. Okay, he has breasts and David's face is as tight as Peter's but you just can't top Jordan's dress and foot-high tiara. But I'm willing to be proved wrong. Maybe the powdered wigs and thong-clad pageboys will put Jordan to shame.



Meanwhile, as one Katie grows, another Katie is looking to slim down. While Tom Cruise's evil seed divides and conquers in Katie Holmes, Katie Price aka Jordan is planning to get her 32 FF cups reduced. Apparently, the weight of her giant jugs and the effect of two children have led to a bit of sagging. Nice.

Twat in the Hat

Kabbalah is clearly the new Scientology. Never mind all that spirituality crap, it's all about money. Their union might have been blessed by some Rabbi but Demi and Ashton had dollar signs in their eyes. OK! magazine paid $3m for their wedding photos and I'm guessing the money's not going to charity. But it could be going to Demi's surgery fund. She'll probably need half a million for her next cosmetic overhaul in ten years time.

And what's with the fedora? You wouldn't happen to be losing your hair, would you?

Demon Seed

Proof that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes exchanged fluids, though whether a turkey baster was involved I don't know. Katie can now watch her seed money grow.

You're fired!

Just how smug and righteous must Jude Law be feeling? After begging and scraping to get back together with Sienna Miller after schtupping the nanny, he finally has hand again.

Jude has dumped Sienna after finding out about her affair with his friend Daniel Craig. Sienna, in the time-honoured fashion of women in a change of life, has cut her hair off and fled to Morocco. How small the step from boho to Kurt Cobain clone.



Far from proving that their relationship is over, this latest karmic twist proves that they are meant to be together. They are both as vain, selfish and unfaithful as each other. A perfect match.

The Blue Stripe

Renee Zellwegger must be choking on her no fat, no sugar brown rice cake. While her rash marriage to Kenny Chesney hit the wall in spectacular style, ex-boyfriend Jack White is not only still married but he's going to be a dad. After getting married up the Amazon in a canoe in June, Jack and model Karen Elson have ramped up the chances of a really messy divorce by getting pregnant. That Jack got married four months after splitting up with Renee and only six weeks after meeting Karen is apparently normal where he comes from. Oh, the insouciance of stupidity.

Sienna Liar

And there we were thinking Sienna Miller was either stupid or incredibly naive for taking Jude Whore back. Or stupid to be so incredibly naive. But it turns out that Miss Miller could take him back because she'd been playing him at his own game. Not content with a quick shag in a lift with Hugh Dauncy Benicio-del-Toro style, Sienna has been having it away with Daniel Craig for quite a while.

Now, I can understand why she would be shagging Daniel. Anyone who's seen The Mother will understand too. He's not some effete ponce with a receeding hairline. But it seems he's not above Jude in the morality stakes. He has a girlfriend, the improbably named film producer Satsuki Mitchell, but one woman is just not enough for him. As always the main thought that springs to mind is why don't they just admit to wanting open relationships or be single? Then you can have your Madonna (no, not that one) and your whore all at once without pissing either one of them off. Simple.

Green fashion

It's nice to know that celebrities are environmentally aware, particularly when it comes to fashion. Kate Moss starts a trend with a straw cowboy hat, jeans and shorts. Then, months later, Victoria Beckham picks up the hand-me-downs in a desperate bid to be on trend. And adds a few of her own excessive accessories (shark's tooth anyone?). Then months later, Halle Berry picks up the baton and slaps on the same outfit, only this time she's got the highstreet version and she frankly looks cheap. Hasn't she heard that bootleg jeans are out?

Wanted: one boyfriend, barely known

Jennifer Aniston's spokesperson claims that Jen 'barely knows' Geoff Stults, her co-star in The Break-Up and alleged boyfriend. When has that ever stopped Renee Zellwegger from getting married?

Meanwhile, Lachey vs Simpson continues, with both denying a split and Lachey denying he tried to sleep with some girl at a football game. If my wife looked like this - a plastic version of Ulrika Jonsson - I'd be trying to sleep with anything that looked remotely human too.



And Kelly Preston just needs a great, big, dry slap. She's trying to get Katie Holmes to give birth the Scientology way. This means total silence from Katie - no screaming, panting or whining. Scientology is the religious equivalent of reality TV; the more you see it, the more you hate it.

And finally, Jennifer Aniston again in a picture that might disprove any rumour of a nose job. She's either still got a big fat Greek one or she's got so thin that even her surgically slimmed nose looks fat. You decide.

Bye Bye Baby

Hold on people, I can't keep up. Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson have finally split. No surprise there I suppose. Married too young and she's a trollop (see file marked Johnny ("I have a wife?") Knoxville). The question is who did she leave Nick for? Only time and lots of extra long camera lenses will tell.

And elsewhere in LA, the whirlwind romance continues. Old Katie Holmes is pregnant. Tom Cruise is certainly getting his $5m worth out of her, quite literally. That baby will be worth its weight in gold. But is it Tom's demon seed? After all, Nicole and Tom had to adopt. So, the Cruise/Holmes offspring could be the progeny of any given A list Scientologer.

Hawaiian virgin

Oh yeah, Evangeline. I go running in my bikini too. Yeah, in some parallel universe where people wear ski gear to play squash and a diving suit to work. And all that bullshit about not wanting to be seen on TV in just your underwear because it offended your religious family. Remember that? Because, clearly, no-one would take a picture of you jogging in swimwear.



And, despite your protestations of Christian piety and purity, you are so schtupping Dominic 'Charlie' Monaghan.

Geoff is the new Brad

Jennifer Aniston definitely looks smug. Is it the knowledge that Brad and Ange will probably hit the ropes as soon as Ange gets bored and trades Brad in for some blood-swigging, crucifix-loving weirdo? It could be the £100m she'll get from the divorce. But some people reckon it's the new, young boyfriend. Really? I'm not so sure.

Apparently Jen is going out with Geoff Stults, her co-star in the aptly named film The Break-up. Those pictures of her draped all over man mountain Vince Vaughn? Well, they were staged to throw people off the scent about Jen and 27 year-old Geoff.

It's not just the name Geoff that puts me off. The lantern-jawed actor is a nobody. He starred in TV series 7th Heaven and Confessions of an American Bride. Maybe after marrying such a global name, Jen prefers a bit of anonymity. If she is dating him, then I'm guessing that the pay-off is in his trunks.

Moonstruck

Oh come on. Are the plugs and tombstone veneers not embarrassing enough? Or the marriage to a 20 year-old waitress that is just waiting to implode? Nic Cage has gone and named his new baby boy Kal-el after Superman, it being the caped crusader's birth name on Krypton. Full marks for nerd knowledge but zero for any passing whiff of cool or sophistication. Are you 12 years old? Or maybe just a 12 year-old trapped in a middle-aged man's body.



And just for the hell of it, because he's got some kind of Pacific Rim wife, here's the lovely Josh Holloway (tenuous reason, I know). Enjoy. And ponder why a lot of hot men have average looking wives.