Nicole Beckham

Does the ever shrinking Nicole Richie remind you of anyone? The sinew, the fake tan, the nylon hair, the big glasses, the tiny shorts? It seems that Nicole is modelling her look on one Mrs Beckham who, judging by the post below, has lost any remaining perspective on her weight, her own hair and real skin colour. Whoever told her it was a good look was either lying or just very cruel.

My Blueberry Nights

Just how terrible is this film, My Blueberry Nights, going to be? Any film with a lead who's a something-turned-actress is always going to be bad. We've all been tortured by Elle McPherson, Liz Hurley and Naomi Campbell onscreen. So Norah Jones playing a mysterious woman who eats blueberry pies and travels across America to find the true meaning of love is going to suck. Add to this the fact that Jude Law is in the film. He plays the shopkeeper who sells Norah the blueberry pies and falls in love with her. With that dodgy long hair, fake American accent and the same acting skills as a Louis XIV chair, Jude isn't exactly going to offset Norah's lack of experience on the big screen. If you're unfortunate enough to have seen Alfie you'll know to give My Blueberry Nights a miss.

Summer madness

Summer can be an ugly time. All that white, sweaty flesh is suddenly on display for everyone to see. Naturally Hollywood stars and, in the case of Victoria Beckham, Hollywood wannabes tackle the problem in their own inimitable way. Madonna, not usually one for hiding her painfully honed flesh on stage, goes all coy on the beach and goes for a swim in some sort of mesh outfit. Out of the water, she takes the cover-up even further, suggesting that Kabbalah might be on its way out and Islam is on its way in.



And Felicity Huffman. Never mind the strange creature pawing you, whatever happened to you being the 'normal' Desperate Housewife? Suddenly you're all gym honed, sinewy and your breasts look suspiciously high and round (ie plastic).



As for Victoria Beckham. There might be rumours that the Beckhams are trying for baby number four (which is technically a very stupid move as Victoria has always favoured the cosmetic approach to childbirth - the caeserean) but she doesn't look like she can carry her handbag never mind a baby for nine months. There's thin and then there's sick and it seems like Victoria lost the ability to distinguish between the two quite some time ago.

The Ex-Files

The car crashes just keep on piling up. Fresh (and I mean fresh, the wrapper is still on this divorce) from splitting up with her second husband, Gillian 'The X Files' Anderson is pregnant by someone else. While husband number two, who lasted no more than 18 months, is probably still unpacking his books and getting used to having all the bed to himself again, Gillian has already met someone else, moved in with him and got herself up the duff.

So Gillian isn't exactly ideal wife material. That's blatantly clear to us and her two ex-husbands but how can that not be clear to prospective husband number three, Mark Griffiths, director of a wheelclamping company? And who's to say that there wasn't some overlap? It all seems a bit smooth and fast to me. And completely devoid of morals or sense. She's got you by the balls now, Mark. You have been well and truly clamped. Expect to be towed to the ex-husband pound some time very soon.


She's all class, that Gillian

Lessons in body language

After the Jolie-Pitt performances we've endured over the last year - 'we're standing three metres apart, with our hands in our pockets to prove we're not a couple' - we're wise to the ploys of Natalie Portman and Jake Gyllenhaal. The crossed arms and the lack of body contact mean nothing to us. The giggling and awkwardness, however, do. Likewise Petra Nemcova and James Blunt. Again hands in pockets and walking metres apart don't throw us off the scent, especially if Petra's parents are along for the ride. (They were, they're just out of shot.) If I were Petra I'd certainly be walking a few metres from James. You don't cheat death to go out with a small, whiny, weird posh bloke.

Kingston Rossdale

Just for the sheer cuteness of it, here's the latest shot of Kingston, the progeny of Gavin Rossdale and Gwen 'Pass the peroxide and string vest' Stefani. Unlike the fictitious Suri Cruise-Holmes, this baby hasn't been hidden from the cameras. He's been out and about, visiting Shiloh Jolie-Pitt and watching a tennis match. Full marks to Gwen for not squeezing herself back into a size 0 sheath within three seconds of the birth. But someone should tell Gavin that combats are five years past their sell-buy date.

Baby No Show

Could Suri Cruise be like her parents' relationship - a total fiction? There's mounting evidence that this may be true. No one has ever seen Suri and judging by the amount of time Katie Holmes spends shopping, she's doesn't see much of Suri either. If Suri actually exists.

Consider the evidence. Katie's baby bump was randomly growing and then shrinking. One week she looked like she'd swallowed a couch and then she looked all neat and contained the next. Then there's the baby no-show. Surely Cruise can't be trying to give his baby a normal upbringing. We all know that 'normal' and 'Tom Cruise' don't go in the same sentence. And his terrible need to prove he's straight usually has him engineering photo opps with Katie left, right and centre. Katie and Tom kissing at a baseball match, Katie and Tom kissing on a yacht, Katie and Tom kissing while watching a baseball match from a yacht. So why would he not wheel out Suri, the ultimate proof of his heterosexuality, for the world's press. You tell me.

Marriage blues

It's been a bad week for marriage. We've got two couples heading for implosion and one already crashed on the rocks of domestic boredom.

Avril Lavigne trotted down the aisle with her own pop troll, Sum 41 singer Deryk Whibley. She's 21, she's famous and she will know better by the time she's 25. Potential divorce rating: high. Then there's the foolish and inflatable Pamela Anderson. She's obviously got tired of being on again and off again with ex-husband Tommy Lee so she's now on again with formerly off again Kid Rock aka a total arsehole. Potential divorce rating: extremely high. At the other end of the spectrum are Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro. Forever proved to be a drag for these two. You'd think they know about the 'till death do us part' clause from his two earlier marriages and her five month marital marathon with Dennis Rodman.

Still, I have no doubt that Carmen and Dave will be darkening another jeweller's door with another ill-fated engagement in a matter of weeks. Much like Pammie and she's not even married yet.

Avril goes Posh

Is it just me or is Avril Lavigne morphing into Victoria Beckham? The drastic weight loss, the big hair, the tiny shorts and the designer labels are all pointing one way and it's not a good way either. At least new hubbie Deryk is no match for philandering Golden Balls so she won't have to stay stick thin and glamorous to keep him.

Corpse Bride mkII

I'm seeing a pattern here. Red hair. Check. Big dress. Check. Long veil. Check. Suspiciously short engagement. Check. Strange looking husband. Check. Even stranger looking bride due to a face immobilised by a gallon of Botox. Check. I'm sure Nicole Kidman and Marcia Cross will be forming some sort of ginger/Botox/divorcee support group sometime soon.

Twigtoria Beckham

Human Twiglet Victoria Beckham should remember that her husband isn't very bright. If she insists on losing any more weight, wearing green and tanning herself creosote brown David just won't be able to tell her apart from that weedy tree outside their house. Still, it seems Victoria takes this into account. She's thoughtfully had something tattooed down the back of her neck so that David can distinguish her from the tree and any other woman he happens to wake up with.

Supermom or Hands-off Mom?

How does Gwen Stefani do it? She pushes out (or maybe someone pulls out) a baby and still manages to look good. How many new mothers can remember their own names never mind tousle their hair, slip on a few well chosen bracelets and colour co-ordinate their dress with their sunglasses? Only those with round-the-clock paid help, I'm guessing.

Mr and Mrs Urban

Ah, the happy couple, all dyed, tweezed and injected for their special day. I'm not sure who's scarier in this official wedding picture. Nicole with her cadaverous white skin, wonky eyebrows and pumped-up lips or Keith with his eyeliner and highlights? Given the amount of time they each spend in front of the mirror, let's hope they have separate bathrooms or else this marriage might not make it past the honeymoon.