The Old and the Not So Young

It's not often that you see Rita Wilson (aka Mrs Tom Hanks) and Lindsay Lohan in the same sentence but here goes. Rita, who must be 50 if she's a day, is not the poster girl for tit tape. Or for the magic benefits of positive thought or weight training. No, she's the proud owner of a pair of silicon bags and, by God, everyone's going to get an eyeful. She might be wearing a floor length dress but that doesn't mean she's going to play by the age rules. She's got herself a rack and nothing is going to stop her flashing it about.

While Rita is busy retaining the pretence of youth between her fifth and tenth ribs, Lindsay is busy working on the raddled hag look. Age (and narcotics and booze and general hard living) are certainly withering her before she reaches 20. Her womanly assets are covered up (for once) but her face is careering towards 40 faster than Britney Spears in a doughnut shop. With Rita's rack and Lindsay's face you're already half way to building your own 40something Vegas waitress. All you need is Victoria Beckham's permatan and Britney's chunky thighs and you're there.

Madonna and Child

With a newly acquired child to promote, Madonna is out on the PR trail. With Oprah already in the bag, Madonna is out and about proving to all and sundry that she's not only saving the poor and needy but she's making the ultimate sacrifice of all - she's actually carrying her own child. Things must be serious. Where's the entourage of nannies, PAs and general arsewipers usually in attendance?