Once, twice, three times a shoddy parent

The Spears didn't just do a bad job with Britney, undisputed car wreck of 2007, but they did an equally shoddy job with little sister Jamie-Lynn. At 16 Jamie-Lynn is pregnant and clearly looking to slip down the same slope as her crazy sister. Mr Spears is reportedly not happy about the news but he has no-one to blame but himself. One daughter veering off the rails is one thing but two? That takes some seriously misjudged parenting. Which makes you wonder about Britney and Jamie-Lynn's brother. What's he got in store?

Spanish affair

I would never put 'Woody Allen' in the same sentence as 'healthy romance' but Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are forcing my hand. Both Spanish actors appear in Allen's new film, still just titled 'Summer Project', about a painter, his ex-girlfriend and some American tourists. It seems that art has spilled over into real life as Cruz and Bardem are now dating.

This is good on two fronts. Firstly, Cruz finally proves that she's more than just a Scientology puppet after all those years with alien dwarf Tom Cruise. As for Bardem, at least he didn't go for the obvious Hollywood choice, Scarlett Johansson, who also stars in the Allen film.

Third Time Stupid

While Britney Spears patches things up with her mother (and hopefully gets some decent advice for a change), Pamela Anderson has picked up the stupid baton. And she is running with it for all she's worth. Not content with marriages to two other idiots (Tommy Lee and Kid Rock), Pammie has married Rick Salomon. You know, the guy who made a sex tape with Paris Hilton. Oh, and was married to Shannen Doherty. Yeah, he's real classy, just the kind of guy you'd want bringing up your kids.

Pammie clearly thought the wedding was so important that she squeezed it in between the 7pm and 10pm performances of Hans Klok's magic show in Vegas, where she is his 'assistant'. (And who knew there was someone called Hans Klok?). Some people pop out from work for a wax but Pammie had to take it to the next level. The lunchtime wedding. Just like a wax, it's quick and unlikely to last more than three weeks.

Hawaii Sex O

And it just keeps on getting worse. Fresh from handing the kids over to KFed under orders from a court, Britney is now facing another potential personal disaster. Never mind the driving licence/hit-and-run incident - some guy in Hawaii is claiming he made a sex tape with Britney this summer and he's going to make it public.

Britney apparently met this guy at the bar of the Four Seasons hotel one evening in June. After more than a few drinks and no doubt a few snorts in the rest room, Britney took the guy to her room. Before getting down to 25 minutes of 'disappointing' sex, the guy turned his camera on and captured his lacklustre performance for posterity. And clearly for the huge amount of money he stands to make from either handing over the tape to Britney or selling it to some unscrupulous internet company.

So far, he's held back the tape because he's ashamed of his performance. No doubt he was distracted by all dollar signs flashing in front of his eyes.

Bye bye babies

Well, the inevitable has happened. Britney is still on Planet Crazy-Fuck-'Em-All and has temporarily lost custody of her kids. A judge ruled yesterday that the kids go to KFed as Britney allegedly failed to take a random drug and alcohol test. And she couldn't provide a California driver's licence.

Though she hasn't failed a test, the outlook is bleak. The kids have gone, albeit for now, to the ex and there's a hit and run incident on police record despite the absence of a driving licence. Oh and a body guard who's happy to detail Britney's drug, alcohol and nudity habits for the world's press.

She's going back to court on Wednesday but the chances of getting the kids back are slim. If she can't be bothered to get a driving licence just how bothered can she be to look after her kids? What kind of responsible adult is she if she's willing to drive under the influence with the kids in the car? When getting to the shops is more important than your kids' safety, you have to question your priorities.

Bad Week for Bad Britney

And things just keep getting worse. After her lawyer and management quit earlier this week, Britney was branded a "habitual, frequent, and continuous" user of "controlled substances and alcohol" by Los Angeles Superior Court judge Scott Gordon in her ongoing custody wrangle with KFed.

Gordon ordered Britney to have a random drug test twice a week, as well as ruling that she and KFed were to be "restrained from making derogatory remarks about the other party and the other party's family or significant other." Some chance but you can hope.

Gordon also ordered Spears to see a therapist at least once a week and hire a parenting "coach." In addition Britney and KFed He have to sign up for a Parenting Without Conflict programme.

Now most people would see this list of orders as a wake-up call, especially with key staff quitting left, right and centre. But not Britney. Oh no. So where did she go after the court hearing? Out drinking Winston’s and Hyde in Los Angeles, that's where. Not only did she drink but she was seen gyrating on tables. I'm not sure the judge is going to see that as the behaviour of a committed mother. It might prove to be the behaviour of a mother who needs to be committed.

Bye Bye Britney

It's nice to see that Britney's keeping busy. As well as alienating her family, friends and fans, she's now lost her manager and lawyer Laura Wasser, who was representing her in the ongoing custody battle with KFed. Nice work for one week. Her management company, The Firm, were cryptic about their reasons for quitting but I think we can all read between the lines.

"It saddens us to confirm media reports that we have terminated our professional relationship with Britney Spears," said The Firm in the statement. "We believe Britney is enormously talented, and has made a terrific record. But current circumstances have prevented us from properly doing our job. We wish Britney the best."

I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking that the Firm really wanted to say that Britney has lost the plot, can't be bothered to work, is taking too many drugs and is about to lose her kids in a very public court case. Oh, and getting banned from the exclusive Chateau Marmont hotel in LA for walking around the corridors smearing food on her face. Not exactly the kind of client you want on your books. And not exactly the virgin princess of old.