Drastic Instinct

Should any director want to remake Heidi, the tale of a mountain dwelling orphan, as a full-on horror film, they need look no further than Sharon Stone. This get-up could frighten the bejesus out of any child and grown adult alike. She might still have the body of a 25 year old but, by Christ, from the neck up she's beginning to scare me.

Moses Martin

So the chances of baby Martin-Paltrow no2 being called Brian or Susan were always fairly low. After baby no1 was landed with Apple, her sibling was clearly destined for a similarly unusual name. While fruit was big on the names list for a girl, it looks like Chris and Gwyneth didn't look further than the basket they planned to carry the new baby home it for their second child. So their new son is apparently called Moses Martin. What do you think of that?


The Martins with baby Apple

The Trials of Joey Tribbiani

Matt le Blanc, could you be any more unpopular? First, you take the dirty TV dollar for Joey instead of maintaining a small shred of integrity. You suck, the show sucks, you suck in the show. Then, to kick yourself while you're down, you start schtupping your co-star Andrea Anders. We already know all we need to know about Andrea. First, she's in Joey so she obviously sucks. Then, she sleeps with married men. Men who suck. She's also a second rate version of Matt's now redundant wife Melissa. God knows what's going on here but one thing is clear: Matt le Blanc is an arse. His wife is well shot of him.

Matt and Andrea

Matt and Melissa

Predator

Chad Michael Murray is shaping up to be a nasty piece of work. Cheating on the lovely Sophia Bush after five months of marriage wasn't enough. He's now got himself an 18-year old fiancee and his real power-crazed lusts are coming out. Take this photo of Chad and his submissive teenage bride-to-be. He looks like he's about to smash her pretty head against the trailer floor for burning the meatloaf. She might be smiling now but Chad's evil, woman-hating stare says it all. Maybe someone should just give him Tom Cruise's number.

So Over Crow

Lance, love, you don't look too heartbroken to me. What with a young nubile lady on your arm just a few short weeks after splitting up from 'the love of your life', it doesn't seem like you've been listening to Sheryl's music and weeping in deep, existential despair about how you fucked it all up. She's never going to take you back if you're dicking a silicon-enhanced 23-year old. It doesn't exactly scream 'take me back, I made a mistake'. It screams 'I'm making yet another mistake. Run!'.

One Brain Cell

Chad Michael Murray, you need to learn the difference between wanting to sleep with a girl and marrying her. These days you can sleep with a girl without having to walk her down the aisle. That might be a shock now but think of all the alimony it will save you in the future.

You're only 24 and you've already been married once. Not deterred by divorce from co-star Sophia Bush after five months, you've proposed to an 18 year-old crew member on One Tree Hill. Ever heard of that old saying 'don't shit where you eat'? Well, try it on for size because otherwise you'll be outstripping Liz Taylor and Zsa Zsa Gabor's marriage records before you're 30. And you wouldn't want to be in the same league as bloated, bewigged ladies clad in kaftans, would you?