Gimme More

More or what? Drugs? Booze? Inappropriate nudity? Bad parenting skills? Who knows what Britney wants more of but her single Gimme More is out on Monday. To hear her usual breathy tones tell you "It's Britney, bitch" (just in case you'd have never guessed) click here. Let me know what you think. Would you give her more? Or take it all back?

Oh, and just so you don't forget how classy she is, here's a recent picture of the woman in question. The top half is almost right but she's clearly forgotten her pants (again) but strangely not her winter boots.

Soviet Spice

I just love Geri Halliwell. No-one else quite captures that unique blend of naivety, malice and money-grabbing in the same way. After parading her small child in front of the camera for hard cash, she's now bagged herself the ultimate cash cow: the son of a Russian billionaire. There's only one slight problem with Evgeny Lebedev, whose father Alexander Lebedev is the 194th richest person in the world. He's screamingly gay. Come on Geri, you hang around with enough bronzed and neatly coiffured gay men to spot one. The Russian blood only goes someway to explaining the white vest, shiny suit and Hitler haircut. The rest is explained by his lack of interest in a lady's front bottom.

Owen Wilson checks out - almost

It just goes to show that there's a serious suicidal depressive lurking in the heart of every flaky joker. Like many a comedian before him, Owen Wilson tried to kill himself on Sunday. Why? Who the hell knows but I bet on-off girlfriend Kate Hudson is certainly running over and over that question in her mind. I'm not going to milk this one for laughs. Let's hope he's okay.

Blood, crack and apologies

As if you didn't know it already, Amy Winehouse is in a right state. After bouncing in and out of rehab all summer, Amy was spotted earlier this week covered in blood. Her husband didn't look too clean either. She told Perez Hilton in a series of texts that husband Blake was slashed and splattered after finding Amy cutting herself. Why was she cutting herself? Because he'd found her about to do drugs with a call girl and said that Amy was 'not good enough for him'. He catches on fast, doesn't he. Anyway, here are the 'facts' in Amy's drug addled words to Mr Perez Hilton. She certainly needs to sort herself out before her alarming beehive weighs more than she does.

"Blake is the best man in the world. We would never ever harm each other. I was cutting myself after he found me in our room about to do drugs with a call girl and rightly said I wasn’t good enough for him. I lost it and he saved my life. He is an amazing man who saved my life again and got cut badly for his troubles. All he get is horrible stories printed about him and he just keeps quiet, but this i too much."

Who would think that this healthy-looking girl could turn into such a screaming crack whore?


And then we move onto Lindsay Lohan. Finally she's caught up with the rest of the world. Yes, she's admitted to being an addict but only, I feel, to avoid a lengthy jail sentence. Her statement has got all the genuine emotion of a Jennifer Aniston film.

"It is clear to me that my life has become completely unmanageable because I am addicted to alcohol and drugs. Recently, I relapsed and did things for which I am ashamed. I broke the law, and today I took responsibility by pleading guilty to the charges in my case. No matter what I said when I was under the influence on the day I was arrested, I am not blaming anyone else for my conduct other than myself. I thank God I did not injure others. I easily could have.

"I very much want to be healthy and gain control of my life and career and have asked for medical help in doing so. I am taking these steps to improve my life. Luckily, I am not alone in my daily struggle and I know that people like me have succeeded. Maybe with time it will become easier. I hope so."

Summer Madness

Sheesh, I go on holiday for two weeks and I miss out on all the good stuff. Brad and Ange on the rocks? Looking at the cover of celeb magazines in the US you'd think they were definitely over but they've been out on the town to prove the opposite. Judging by Angelina's whippet-thin look, things can't be all that good. Some people might eat less when theyy're in love but they don't starve themselves as a rule. Odds on lasting out the year: lower than Britney's bikini line.

As we're talking about Britney, we might as well accept the fact that KFed will get the kids. He filed for primary custody of Sean and Jayden last week and is worried that Britney may be exposing the boys to "unnecessary risk." If unnecessary risk is leaving them at home while she's out drinking and whoring, then yes, he should get custody. Britney can barely walk in a straight line and she shaved all her hair off. Do we need more proof of her unfit parenting skills?


And then there's Mel Brown aka Scary Spice, who should really be known as Stupid Spice. Or Serial Monogamy Spice. Not content with getting knocked up by Eddie Murphy, she's now married some guy movie producer Stephen Belafonte. In Las Vegas, the beginning of many longterm, successful celebrity marriages (like Britney's 55-hour marriage to her childhood friend, for example). Belafonte is no picnic either - Belafonte is not his real name and he has convictions for assaulting a girlfriend. And he doesn't look at all like a scary-eyed psycho.

Mother Brown is understandably worried. "I think she's made a big mistake. How can you fall in love that quick? I'm desperate to speak to her. I feel like jumping on a plane and flying out to her, I'm so worried. I've read that he's got a conviction for assaulting his ex girlfriend and it really worries me." No shit.

Baby Spice has also been busy, this time producing a son called Beau. Of all the Spices, she seems the most sensible. She's had the same boyfriend for eight years and is not always out desperately hogging the limelight. Congratulations!