Corpse Bride

When their big day is almost upon them, most brides get a little help with hair, make-up and maybe the odd bit of waxing. Not Nicole Kidman. Being above mere mortals, tongs, brushes and hot wax are not enough. No, it's needles or nothing. For her special day, when her new husband is likely to eclipse her efforts in the highlights and tanning department, Nicole has got herself all Botoxed up. She can just about smile but from the eyes up, no one's home. No amount of crazy hair is going to hide the fact that her eyebrows are wonky and her forehead doesn't move. Let's hope she's going for the full veil otherwise Nicole is going to look more like a corpse than a bride.

The Vaughnistons

Who could resist Vince Vaughn? I'm sure I'm not alone in saying I could, very easily. He looks like he just rolled in from an all-night drinking session topped off with a trip to Burger King. The man does not ooze sophistication as much as sweat, beer breath and burger fat. But you can see Jennifer's point: why pick another Brad Pitt just so that he can slope off with the pick of Hollywood? Better to pick some nice schlubb who hasn't grown up yet and clearly can't look after himself properly. Why would he leave you when you pick up his dry cleaning, make sure he eats broccoli once a week AND suck him off?

Four million dollar baby

Ever wondered what $4m looks like? A modest house in the Hollywood Hills? A gold plated BMW? A closet full of jewel encrusted Manolos? Actually, no, it looks like this photo. One big photo of one very small child. Admittedly, one very small child with two very famous parents but still.

Hello! magazine was more than happy to cough up the cash for Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt's only official photocall. And the Jolie-Pitts are clearly happy to get their UN-loving, Benetton-rainbow-family hands on money. Even though it's going to charity, Brad and Ange are still whoring their baby for financial ends, whether the money goes to building a school in Bogota or buys Brad more motorbike and dodgy rings.

Better to have loved and been paid then never to have loved at all

Isn't it sad when love crashes and burns? The tears, the grief, the endless conversations on the phone to friends who lost the will to live at least three hours ago. So just imagine how carefree and happy Penelope Cruz and Matthew McConnaughey must feel about the end of their 'relationship' ie a Scientology arrangement to make Matthew seem a little more into the ladies than he actually is. No weeping, no sleepless nights in an empty bed, just less money. Cos the chances are that old Penelope was raking it in for her part in the 'relationship'. The Scientologists must have bunged her a couple of million to play the girlfriend for a year. And she got lots of press coverage by conveniently hooking up with McConnaughey around the release date of their film, Sahara. Don't you just love it when a plan comes together?

The question is now she's done Tom Cruise and McConnaughey, which gay Hollywood Scientologist will she sign up with next?


'Happier' times

The rehabilitation of KFed

The more Britney falls to pieces, the more KFed buffs up his public image. Sensing that his time in the Spears camp (and, more importantly, on the Spears' credit card) is about to run out, KFed is keen to get the message out there that he does wash and he is not the all-out skank/disinterested father/free loader that we think he is. So, here he is brushed up all nicely, looking like a dodgy car insurance salesman. Note the big wedding ring (paid for by Britney) is still on. But for how much longer? With his fourth child on the way and his bride getting unhappier by the day, KFed could be facing the ultimate compromise: work. It's time to break out your dancing shoes again, Kevin.