Vic and Kate do Paris

While the former Cruise companion Penelope Cruz is no doubt celebrating her Oscar nomination (see post below), the present bride of Scientology is busy swanning around Paris with new best friend and soon to be neighbour Victoria Beckham. And what a friendship that is proving to be. Who could have predicted that Victoria would find a sidekick capable of making her look stylish? Not me, that's for sure. But Katie Holmes has brought her ageing but moneyed aunt aesthetic to the table and Victoria is reaping the rewards. Just take these two black outfits. Victoria is actually looks demure but young. Katie, on the other hand, looks like a politician's wife at a funeral. After all that hard work to lose the baby fat, this outfit does her no favours even though she's probably whippet thin underneath the horrid tulip skirt. Scientology is evil in many ways but it's crimes against fashion are mounting up.

Curved spines & warped minds

Katie has started married life as she means to go on - laughing at her husband (in a mixture of fear and scared amusement) and slouching. I hope her multi-million dollar pay-off is going to be worth the hunch back she's quickly developing. While she might be able to wear a back brace in her hours off public duty, it will be much more difficult to straighten out the Cruise madness now warping her mind. Imagine those crazed, intense eyes boring into your at such close proximity every day. I think I'd be laughing nervously too. And secretly plotting my escape.

The Wedding

So the happy day has been and gone and Katie Holmes is now Mrs Cruise. It was good of Katie to buckle at the knees so that she didn't look taller than Tom in the official photos. It was also good of Victoria Beckham to try and steal the limelight at someone else's wedding. There's nothing like shrink-wrapped fake breasts and a great wheel of a hat to divert eyes away from a demurely attired bride. But at least the black outfit was an improvement on the bizarre tutu she chose for dinner the evening before. Unless you're a professional ballerina or under five, you're not going to get away with a tutu.

And the less said about JLo and her cadaver the better. I never thought I'd advocate fake tan but for God's sake, get that man some paper pants and spray him now.

When in Rome

So psycho dwarf and his easily influenced fiancee are about to walk down the aisle (not sure if Scientologists actually do that - maybe Katie will be beamed down from High Command) in Rome. Why marry in Rome, the home of Catholicism, when you can marry in the obvious place for a Scientologist (ie Nutsville, CA or any psychiatric institution)? Could the Pope secretly be a Scientologist too? He's certainly got Tom's scary dead eyes and crazy ideas but that's all probably down to his love of brown uniforms circa 1939. My guess is that, as always, Cruise is going for the international media event THAT PROVES HE IS NOT, REPEAT NOT GAY. A quiet ceremony with a few friends wouldn't be aggressively hetero enough; only a huge media frenzy guaranteed to bring both the American and European tabloids flocking to his nuptials will satisfy Tom. When phase one (the wedding) is over, expect phase two (the honeymoon) to produce lots of photos of Tom and his new bride holding hands and kissing for the droves of photographers.