Wed in haste, divorce at speed

I hope you're all sitting down for this one because the news is shocking. It's news you could never predict, even in your wildest, most outlandish fantasies, and you may never get over it. Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are getting divorced after almost four months of marriage. Clearly true love only has a three month shelf-life so Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes should be okay for a few years yet.

Who could have foreseen the sudden marital meltdown when the wedding was so classy? With Kid in a clean tshirt and baseball cap and Pamela in some dress that could barely contain her assets, the ceremony had elegance and committment written all over it. When Pammie slipped into a white bikini for the wedding reception you just knew this pair's shared love of trash would see them through. How could I have been so wrong?

The Wedding

So the happy day has been and gone and Katie Holmes is now Mrs Cruise. It was good of Katie to buckle at the knees so that she didn't look taller than Tom in the official photos. It was also good of Victoria Beckham to try and steal the limelight at someone else's wedding. There's nothing like shrink-wrapped fake breasts and a great wheel of a hat to divert eyes away from a demurely attired bride. But at least the black outfit was an improvement on the bizarre tutu she chose for dinner the evening before. Unless you're a professional ballerina or under five, you're not going to get away with a tutu.

And the less said about JLo and her cadaver the better. I never thought I'd advocate fake tan but for God's sake, get that man some paper pants and spray him now.