Name and shame

Gwen Stefani might be kooky of clothes but she seems to be at the sensible end of the baby name spectrum. The chances of her baby being called Harajuku or LAMB were high but instead she opted for the understated moniker of Kingston James McGregor Rossdale. Which is more than can be said for the baby spawned by loved-up (read: soon to implode) crazies Brad and Angelina. That poor sucker got lumbered with Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt.

First up, Shiloh means the Messiah in Hebrew so no expectations there, then. Let's hope Shiloh doesn't have a lisp or she's going to be calling herself Kate as soon as she can speak. And since when is Nouvel a name? Given she's a girl, it should be Nouvelle. But who cares about grammar, spelling and sanity when you live in a world filled with Blubell Madonnas and Zahara Marleys?


And baby makes five

Shotgun wedding?

So we might finally know why Tori and Dean got married so quickly. Arriving back from their honeymoon in Fiji, Dean and Tori seem to be suggesting that there is a bun in the newly spliced Spelling-McDermott tummy. If so, that would explain the mad rush to get head down the aisle. It doesn't, however, explain Dean's desperate clinging to his fast fading youth (the nasty chain dangling from his pocket) or Tori's false breasts, face and hair. For once, at least, the tan might be real.

Virgin or whore?

We all knew she was never going to call her daughter Susan or Clare but Geri Halliwell's choice of names for her baby has guaranteed that the poor child will always be known by her full name. Like Fifi Trixibelle and the other Geldof girls, the press will always trot out Bluebell Madonna Halliwell's full name whenever they mention her. I'm sure Fifi goes by just one name at home but cruel journalists just can't help dragging out her parents' full folly every time she's name checked in the papers. And so it will be for Bluebell. Luckily she's a famous child otherwise she'd never get away with it in the playground.

Baby belly

The angle of this shot tells you all you need to know about celeb news photographers - they are scum. This poor brainwashed girl has enough on her plate with the psycho boyfriend without some pap circulating her stretchmarks to the world. That said, Katie, why aren't you at home with your baby? I know you're young but surely you can stay focused on one very important thing for more than a few days. If you've got Attention Deficit Disorder, you could always steal some Ritalin from Tom's manbag. And if you insist on leaving the baby at home, then in some twisted way your stretchmarks are up for grabs.

Birth, divorce and marriages

What a week it's been so far. Geri 'Ginger Spice' Halliwell pops out (or rather pays a surgeon to open her up because she can't be bothered to push) a baby daughter. Sir Paul 'Lay off the brown hair dye, please' McCartney separates from his money-grabbing younger wife. Now there's a surprise. And most surprising of all, considering reports that they'd actually broken up, Nicole Kidman and Keith 'Don't touch my hair' Urban are officially engaged. Keith had apparently favoured the Colombian marching powder over his anoxeric girlfriend and things had taken a nosedive. But now, it's back on and you can tell how genuine their relationship is by this picture. He looks like a man being paid to attend and Nicole looks just a bit too hysterically happy. Ah, isn't love a beautiful thing?

Truly, Madly, Deeply Stupid

People, the clock is now ticking. Tori, the unidentifiable pondlife, and Dean 'just how stupid can you be?' McDermott got married on Sunday in Fiji after what can only be called a whirlwind (read: incredibly short-sighted) romance.

Tori and Dean met last summer and, unpreturbed by the fact they were married to other people at the time, got it on straight away. The engagement followed on Christmas Eve and then the white, barefoot wedding this weekend.

For those of you who've just eaten, don't read the following comments Tori and Dean made about each other. The gag-factor is off the scale. "We didn't want to wait another day to get married," said Tori, while Dean gushed: "I've never had as much of a desire to get married and make a woman my wife as I've had with her. The feeling is overwhelming. We're soul mates."

Dean is in fact so taken with his lady that he's had 'Truly, Madly, Deeply, Tori' and a portrait of Tori tattooed on his shoulder for good measure. Best place for it. Out of sight, which is where Tori will be within six months.

Stranger than fiction

Sick of all the tabloid speculation, Brad and Ange have decided to set us all straight about a few things. According to the happy couple, the following 'facts' are nothing more than some journalist's wet dream.

• Ange has not signed on for Tomb Raider 3 and has no plans to play video-game heroine Lara Croft any time soon.

• Brad is not trying to convince Ange to join the cast of Ocean's 13.

• Ange is not looking to adopt a Namibian baby.

• Ange is not planning a "water birth" or to name the poor baby Africa.

• Ange's sick mother, Marcheline Bertrand, is not dying and did not ask her daughter to give birth in France as a "dying wish."

• Brad, the tight arse, did not buy Ange a "fidelity necklace" as a pre-baby wedding gift. In fact they currently have no plans to marry.

• Finally, Ange is not planning to buy a small African nation of her own.

I'm personally sad that that Ange won't be buying her own country any time soon. Imagine the democratic rights for citizens of that free-loving nation. Joliana's constitution could read:

Thou shall -
Covet and then steal your neighbour's husband
Commit adultery
Wear your husband's blood in a vial
Marry and divorce crazy men
Create a pick and mix family at whim
Wear black all the time

Any more we can add?