The Long Game

Jennifer Aniston certainly knows how play the long game. Her husband might have left her for another woman but Jen can still throw a little chaos into his life. By maintaining a relationship with Brad's mother, who clearly yearns for the old days before Angelina, Jen has the power to piss off her replacement. What better way to eat away at Brad and Angelina's relationship than by hanging out with your ex-mother-in-law? You just know Jen and Brad's mother are not going to be talking about how Angelina is the best thing that every happened to him.

When you pitch Jen against Angelina in the mother-in-law league table, you just know who's going to win. Nice, inoffensive, good with parents-in-law versus weird, tattooed, good with perverted obsessives (Billy Bob Thornton). Angelina wins in the beauty stakes but that's not really going to win over all but the most superficial mother. She's going to want to see her son happy and settled not flitting round the world collecting children like this season's must-have handbag.

All those years of carefully nurturing her relationship with the Pitts is paying off. Never let it be said that Jennifer Aniston lacks strategic vision. Angelina might have Brad now but Jen has the trump card: his mum.

The Old Switcheroo

Britney loves a fad. When she likes something, she does it all the time. Like Kevin for example. Or booze. Or drugs. Or having kids. Or plastic surgery. The latest fad is switching clothes. After switching her dress round (see post below) at the end of the night, possibly in the desperate hope of getting a shag but flaunting her enhanced rack, Britney has moved on to swapping clothes with someone else. She went into a nightclub in LA wearing the relatively demure long black dress. She then came out wearing her friend's shorter number. I suppose the only consolation is that Britney goes commando so at least we know she's not swapping knickers too.

Hot and Cold

Victoria Beckham wants it all her own way. One minute she's practically swallowing the camera to get herself more publicity. The next she's all aloof and hiding from the assembled paps. Well, you can't have it both ways. You either court the press and deal with the consequences or you just don't play that game. And what's with the yellow hat, David?

A Chip Off the Old Man's Block

Hating your dad is clearly far easier than hating your partner. Or yourself. Old Angelina Jolie famously detests her father, Jon Voigt, and has cut him off for the last five years. Why? Because she claims he cheated on her mother. Funny then that Ange cheated with Jennifer Aniston's husband and doesn't hate herself or, more importantly, Brad for it. Ah, the hypocrisy.

I'm sure Ange's wrath had nothing to do with Voigt telling Access Hollywood that she was "unstable". Fair comment, you'd think but no. Five years of excommunication.

But light is now at the end of the adulterous tunnel for Voigt. This week Ange said: "I am hoping my relationship with my father will be more private in the future. At the end of the day we both wish the best for each other and we'll try to start communicating in some way."

When they do finally meet at least they'll all have some common ground. In fact it could be a meeting of Cheaters Anonymous.

Green-thighed monster

Ah Britney, did rehab teach you nothing? It certainly didn't teach you to buy decent wigs or to stop dressing like a slut. After one tequila too many you just can't help upping the slut quotient in your outfit. The green dress was never going to be demure. It covers more than most of your other dresses but let's face it, Katie Holmes is never going to wear it. But that level of ho is just not enough for you. A couple of hours down the line and you nip off to the toilet and switch your dress around. It gives the world more of your surgically enhanced breast but it also shows everyone just how big an impression your ass leaves in your clothes. It's like someone detonated a bomb in there. Do yourself a favour. Just put the thing on backwards to begin with. You know you want to, we know you want to so who are you kidding?

Good God

Only Paris Hilton would conduct celebrity interviews from prison. And claim to find God in three days behind bars. In a phone interview with Barbara Walters from jail, Paris claims she is no longer superficial, has found God, wants to work with sick children and has not looked in a mirror since entering prison.

"I'm not the same person I was," she said. "I used to act dumb. It was an act. I am 26 years old, and that act is no longer cute. It is not who I am, nor do I want to be that person for the young girls who looked up to me. I know now that I can make a difference, that I have the power to do that. I have been thinking that I want to do different things when I am out of here. I have become much more spiritual. God has given me this new chance.

My spirit or soul did not like the way I was being seen and that is why I was sent to jail. God has released me. I feel that the purpose of my life is to be where I am."

I know He works in mysterious ways but he's surpassed Himself this time. Still, at least the transformation will only be temporary. The time it takes for Paris to pick up her $1000 handbag, mini dog and car keys.

Paris, Twin Towers Correctional Facility

Oh how the rich airheads suffer. Not only do they have to conform to the law like mere plebs but they even have to go to the same jails. So, okay, judging by Paris Hilton's permatan, the orange overalls shouldn't pose any fashion dilemma, but sharing space with people who don't have their own TV show or chain of hotels? Dear God, no. It's a travesty of justice. So it's just as well that Paris is limiting her exposure with these nobodies by hiding away in the medical centre of the Twin Towers Correctional Facility. The sheets aren't 400-thread Egyptian cotton like she's used to but, with a buzzer by her bed, at least she gets a semblance of room service.

But why is she there? How many people get sent out of communal showers and canteen food to lie in bed whinging to their lawyers in the medical centre of a jail? Only the famous ones.

Spice Girls MKII

I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. I don't want the Spice Girls to get back together but it looks like it's happening anyway. Posh is on for it and, despite her repeated rejection of the idea, Melanie 'Sporty Spice' Chisholm is on for it too.

There's nothing like five careers in stagnation to trigger a reunion. Sporty may be big in Germany but that's nothing to be proud of. The Hof is big in Germany too. Enough said. With another baby to bring up on her own (Eddie Murphy, you are scum), Scary Spice is clearly on for it too. Ginger can only milk her own child so far for publicity so it's back on the road for her too.

With a camera crew following her every anorexic step, Posh couldn't hope for any greater event than the Spice Girls' reunion. Meanwhile, she's making do with edging other celeb hopefuls into every shot. Check out Paul Sculfor, Jennifer Aniston's latest man toy, in the background on the left. Oh, and it looks like Victoria's forgotten her skirt again.

Woman of the Year

Okay, so it's not the Nobel prize but still, you have to question Glamour magazine's logic. Why name Victoria Beckham 'Woman of the Year'? What exactly has she done for our gender? To me it says, 'why worry about poverty, world peace and pestilence, when you can wear hotpants over the age of 30?'. It's not the advice I'd want to pass on to the next generation.

So let's all follow the shining example set by Glamour's Woman of the Year. Starve yourself, cut your hair, drag your family across the world to feed your need for fame, parade yourself in expensive fashion but never have any style and, most of all tolerate, your philandering husband because you're not worth it. Glamour, you're never getting any money from my pocket again.