Good God

Only Paris Hilton would conduct celebrity interviews from prison. And claim to find God in three days behind bars. In a phone interview with Barbara Walters from jail, Paris claims she is no longer superficial, has found God, wants to work with sick children and has not looked in a mirror since entering prison.

"I'm not the same person I was," she said. "I used to act dumb. It was an act. I am 26 years old, and that act is no longer cute. It is not who I am, nor do I want to be that person for the young girls who looked up to me. I know now that I can make a difference, that I have the power to do that. I have been thinking that I want to do different things when I am out of here. I have become much more spiritual. God has given me this new chance.

My spirit or soul did not like the way I was being seen and that is why I was sent to jail. God has released me. I feel that the purpose of my life is to be where I am."

I know He works in mysterious ways but he's surpassed Himself this time. Still, at least the transformation will only be temporary. The time it takes for Paris to pick up her $1000 handbag, mini dog and car keys.

Paris, Twin Towers Correctional Facility

Oh how the rich airheads suffer. Not only do they have to conform to the law like mere plebs but they even have to go to the same jails. So, okay, judging by Paris Hilton's permatan, the orange overalls shouldn't pose any fashion dilemma, but sharing space with people who don't have their own TV show or chain of hotels? Dear God, no. It's a travesty of justice. So it's just as well that Paris is limiting her exposure with these nobodies by hiding away in the medical centre of the Twin Towers Correctional Facility. The sheets aren't 400-thread Egyptian cotton like she's used to but, with a buzzer by her bed, at least she gets a semblance of room service.

But why is she there? How many people get sent out of communal showers and canteen food to lie in bed whinging to their lawyers in the medical centre of a jail? Only the famous ones.

I Walk The Line

Who needs uptight parents, snotty neighbours or even a divorce court judge when you've got the tabloid press to question your morals? And Britney Spears has certainly been caught in the full beam of its disapproval over the last few weeks. After relentless hounding by journalists who love her (for their circulation figures) and hate her (oo, she's such a slut and leading our young people astray with her lack of moral fibre but, hey, that's good for our circulation figures too), Britney has retired from the party circuit. You can't help but feel she's been forced to do it. Why would she put her slippers on and settle down for a night of TV when she could be out partying with Paris Hilton with no knickers on? She's young, she's recently single and she's rich - all the ingredients for a few months of wildness and pubic nudity. Instead, she's issued a statement on her website justifying her behaviour. What are the chances that she actually wrote that? Or even meant it? Slim, as slim in fact as one layer of fabric separating Britney's bare arse from her car seat.

"It's been so long since I've been out on the town with friends. It's also been 2 years since I've even celebrated my birthday. Every move I make at this point has been magnified more than I expected, and I probably did take my new found freedom a bit too far.

Anyway, thank God for Victoria Secrets' new underwear line! I look forward to a new year, new music and a new me.

I'm just getting started …. Happy Holidays everyone!"

http://www.britneyspears.com/

Three's a crowd

You just know that this threesome is going to be trouble. Take one celebrity delinquent, a moneyed airhead and a newly single pop star with serious white trash roots and you get a truly frightening combination. While taking copious drugs, wearing no knickers and sleeping with random famous people is par for the course for LiLo and Paris, Britney is taking her public rehabilitation way off course by running around town every night with these two. After lowering her stock with K Fed, the last thing she needs to do is take it further into the gutter. Or, with these two in charge, into the sewer. It will take some judge to deem her worthy of sole custody of her kids when she spends her entire time getting her extensions in, her tits out and her rocks off.

The NBF (New Bad Friend)

I know the feckless K Fed is going to try to take her for all she's worth but does Britney have to turn to prostitution? That's the only reason for wearing this 'dress'. And the professionally laddered tights. And you just know that Paris Hilton is egging her on. For once quite demure in a dress that covers both her nipples, Paris looks like the bad influence your mother warned you about. She'll encourage you to do things but never do them herself. "Sure, you'll look real hot but classy in that green dress," you can just hear Paris saying to Britney, knowing full well that the tacky ho dress will make her look elegant and make Britney look like she's working Santa Monica boulevard.

Oops I did it on camera

Just when you thought Kevin Federline couldn't get any sleazier, the lowdown rotten sneak forces you to redefine 'scum'. K Fed is looking to make more than a few quick bucks (around $120m to be precise) by selling a video of Britney en flagrant on their honeymoon. But God bless Britney, or more likely her lawyers, who has decided to put the footage on the internet for free to stop Fed from making any money out of it. While she might scupper this scheme, Fed is still planning to write a book about his life with Britney. Chances are it will be about her snorting and sucking talents rather than her quilting and cookie baking skills.

With her deadbeat husband causing trouble at home, Britney has been making some of her own. In Vegas she's been pairing up with celeb liability Paris Hilton. You couldn't even start to imagine the conversation they might have. Hair extensions clearly figure in there somewhere. And then Britney's been spending lots of time in a crop top partying with Dancing with the Stars' Mario Lopez. It's only a matter of time before she stops eating and starts hanging around with Nicole Richie.