Rehab my arse

Rehab has clearly worked a treat for Britney Spears. She's so obviously over all that exhibitionism, sluttiness and attention-seeking from her 'wild' phase. Cos we all go out in ripped fishnets, wearing a red bikini under a see through lace dress. Many's the time I head down to the supermarket in th every same outfit, particularly in winter.

There's no point pulling on that hem, Britney love. It's not going to cover anything up. It says something when your bald head is the most dressed part of your anatomy.

Marriage Crasher

We know that Kate Hudson hasn't got good taste. After all she did marry a greasy, lank haired rocker with a huge beard, who looked like the goth progeny of ZZ Top. While Chris Robinson was always going to appear in brackets on Kate's marital CV (first husband 2000-2006), you hoped she would move up the evolutionary scale with the next man. Judging from this photo, the chances of that happening are slim.

I have nothing against Owen Wilson. In fact, I love Owen Wilson in all the films with Ben Stiller and Wes Anderson. He's languid, he exudes that Southern States swampy sexiness and he's funny. But he looks part tramp, part blow-dried lothario. The hair, which judging by his brother Luke's poker straight locks, has been permed. There might even be some mousse and finger-drying going on there. And he looks like he's been slumped in the sun drinking wine from a plastic bottle. Given how raddled he is, I can only assume he has other large hidden talents.

Bottle Blond

Nice to see David Beckham is trying to blend in with his new Hollywood surroundings. To keep in with all the local stars who can't keep their lad in their pants (Brad Pitt, Robbie Williams et al), David has followed their style lead and bleached his hair. Theoretically he did it for a photo session for American fashion magazine W but nothing says 'Look at me, shag me I'm famous' like a bleach job. It adds a whole new mean to 'coming to America'.

Fairy Godmother

You've got to hand it to that Geri Halliwell. She knows how to milk celebrity by just being a celebrity. Or, in the particular case, lining up a bigger celebrity to be her child's godmother. By drafting in her old pal Victoria Beckham, Geri has secured herself a hefty cheque from celeb magazines. With VB dropping in to hold the baby over the font, Geri got what she needs to keep the cash coming in: years of tabloid coverage as Bluebell's godmother stalks in for her birthday parties, first holy communions and various assorted celebrations. And you can guarantee that Bluebell is going to have a lot of parties to feed her mother's addiction to fame (and pay for her own private schooling no doubt). Spare a thought for Bluebell's godfather, poor old Kenny Goss (George Michael's partner). With the spotlight firmly trained on Posh, he's always doomed to be the bridesmaid and never the bride.

PS. Could Victoria Beckham be any browner?

April Update

You go on holiday for two weeks and come back to insanity. Prince Williams has ditched Kate Middleton for another woman. We don't know who she is yet but British tabloids say she's 'naughty' and she's turned his head. Does that mean she's a commoner with common tastes or simply a posh filly with a taste for horse whips?

Courtney Love loses half her body weight and claims it was all down to dieting. On what? Rice cakes and crack?


Madonna goes to Africa with wardrobe full of bad sarongs and tshirts. Haven't those people suffered enough?

Britney Spears keeps her knickers and her wig on. That must be some kind of record.

Matthew McConnaughey is still screaming "I'm gay!" but no-one is listening.


Victoria Beckham still hasn't cracked a smile (or eaten) but worse still, she hasn't worked out how to just a Continental toilet yet.


Reese Witherspoon is still dating Jake Gyllenhaal.

Tom Cruise continues his mission to grow a fully formed pair of moobs. No long to go till you can buy your first bra, Tom.


And finally, sexism is alive and well. Angelina, says Star magazine, has "walked out on Brad", leaving him with the four kids so that she can start work on a new film in Chicago. While I question her pick'n'mix attitude to motherhood, I also wonder whether male actors make the same headlines when they leave their wife and kids at home go on location.