Aged Ange

While the rest of Hollywood desperately clings to its vanishing youth (see Teri Hatcher et al), Angelina Jolie clearly couldn't give a monkey's about getting old. In fact her formal wardrobe screams 'Bring it on now'.

Her contemporaries trot around in vertiginous heels and flash more flesh that you really want to see, Ange swathes herself from head to foot in prim white, black and grey clothes. Cardigans, shawls, nice knee length skirts, blouses. She looks like she's raided the wardrobe of a fiftysomething judge.

We know you are no angel, you wife-stealing but good hearted minx, but there's no need to dress like a nun.

Oh and Jonny, ever heard of a belt?

Tabs not yoga

So the whippet thin body comes from a post-divorce addiction to yoga? Yeah right. Jennifer Aniston is thin because she smokes and doesn't eat. Here's the proof.



Demi Moore might have smoked in the past but it doesn't show now. After an estimated $250,000 on cosmetic surgery, her skin is probably so tight that, one small pin prick, and she'll deflate like the Wicked Witch. Now there's a challenge that's not too big for new husband Ashton Kutcher.

Large not medium

She cornered the kooky and quirky market long before Mischa Barton started wearing mismatched clothes and strange hats. So what in God's name has happened to Patricia Arquette at the Emmys? She must have taken fashion advice from her cross dressing brother Alexis but that doesn't explain why she left the house looking like a saloon bar whore from a second rate Western.

It's just all wrong. Cream satin is no one's friend, let alone anyone fatter than a credit card. And it's one thing to showcase your breasts but it's another to squash them into a bustier two sizes too small. I'm not even going to mention the hair because what can you say?

Every raincoat has a silver lining

It seems that one door may have shut for Kate Moss but another one might be opening for a certain other column-hogging fashion addict. Sienna Miller, herself not a stranger to adverse publicity, might be replacing Kate Moss in the Burberry campaign. If there's any celebrity justice, Kate might be coming off the subs bench to replace Sienna in Jude Law's affections.

Cracking up

Just how many more advertising contracts can Kate Moss have? So far she's lost Chanel, Burberry and H&M. Now Rimmel are reviewing their contract and, if today's revelations about Kate's supposed crack habits have their desired effect, they'll be dropping her faster than you can say 'pr disaster'.

Still at least someone's got an eye on their career. Old Kenny Chesney claims that his marriage to Renee fell apart because he was working too hard. Or could it just be that he'd married someone he didn't know? It's just a thought.

Proving that marriage the second time round is the triumph of hope over experience, Brad Pitt is looking to hotfoot it down the aisle as soon as his divorce comes through next month. Again, what is the rush? Have you got the Cinderella curse? Get married before midnight or she disappears. Sheesh, these people should stop reading fairytales.

London's Moss Wanted

And it just keeps on coming. I can only assume that Kate Moss was Attila the Hun in a former life (or that we don't know the extent of her misdeeds in this one) because the torrent of crap is on it's way down the valley and there's no stopping it.

Yesterday H&M dropped her, today it's Burberry and Dior's turn. And to top it all, Westminster Social Services are looking into her parenting skills. Cocaine and kids just don't mix apparently. And the police are taking a serious view of her 'habits'.

It just goes to prove what your mum told you. Never get in with the wrong crowd.

Meanwhile, baby Spears has come at a tricky time in the Fed household. They were bickering before the baby was cut out so God only knows what they're doing now. They might have outlasted Renee and Kenny but a decree nisi can't be that far away.

Keira Knightley is also feeling the pain of separation. Fresh from splitting with Jamie Dornan, Keira wasted no time in bagging Bodyrocker Kaz James. Kaz, however, obviously had other ideas and traded her up with Francesca Versace. Who the hell can keep up with these people?

Over in Italy, George Clooney has bagged himself another lady. And this time she's got a whole lot more class than Essex bird Lisa Snowdon. The woman in question is Italian heiress Gianna Elvira Cantatore. At least someone's having a good week.

Operation PR

Oh Kate, so predictable. First the revelations, then the pathetic attempts at personal redemption.

Now that everyone knows about her coke habit, she's trying to rescue her precious brand by allegedly ditching walking health vacuum Pete Doherty. But what the 'save face by numbers' PR plan didn't tell Kate was that H&M would then ditch her. Still with £30m in the bank, I'm guessing she's not too worried.

On the other side of the Atlantic, another PR operation was under way. That poor, poor unloved and discarded (and only worth, say, £50m) Jennifer Aniston was trying to get her slice of the publicity pie and prove she's nobody's victim.

Talking to chatshow sofa queen Oprah, Jen said she was ready to date again. Cue cheers and applause from the audience. In fact they cheered and applauded everything Jen said. God knows what they would have done if she'd actually said anything interesting involving Angelina, a lead pipe and a dark alley. Maybe they've have jumped up and down on the sofa like a kid jacked up on E numbers and professed undying love? No, only the guests do that.

Kate's Lesbo Love-In

Another day, another tabloid bombshell for Kate Moss. According to the News of the World, that bastion of truth and moral probity, Kate Moss not only likes a suck of the crack pipe but she's happy to scrum down for some Sapphic pleasures. Her bedfellows of choice? Sadie Frost and Davinia Taylor. What about Pearl Lowe? She's always good for a three- or foursome.

You had me at goodbye

It's amazing what a bit of romantic rebound can do. After splitting up with Renee Zellweger, Jack White rushes off to the Amazonian jungle and marries a model he has known for six weeks. Renee hooks up with a gay, bald guy and then gets divorced within four months. Coincidence? I don't think so. I'm guessing the Jack White/Karen Elson coupling is due to grind to a halt right about now so that Jack and Renee can pick up where they left off.

Meanwhile, back in swingers paradise, Sienna Miller is cast as the guilty party for a change. Poor old Jude was pratically forced into his affair with the plain nanny by Sienna's earlier infidelity with actor Hugh Dancy, who is meant to be going out with someone else. There is a state which these people might like to attain to avoid all of these complications. It's radical but it's quite simple. It's called being single.

For Kate Moss, though, the lesson is also simple. Lay off the scag. And ditch that whey-faced loser.

Coke Moss

So Kate Moss snorts coke. Why is anyone surprised? Not all models stay thin thanks to a 'fast metabolism' and starvation. The biggest surprise is that this hasn't come out before. But Kate should brace herself for more revelations. Apparently the News of the World, that other upholder of celeb morality, has pictures of her snorting heroin, with Pete holding the lighter under the piece of foil. Isn't love beautiful?
The biggest surprise to anyone should be that Kate still has custody of her daughter. Cue a repentant Kate and a brief sojourn at The Priory.