Proof

It's winter so most of us are laying down a layer of fat to keep us warm. But does this explain the prominent stomach bloating on Gwyneth Paltrow and Ginger Halliwell? I think not. Mrs Martin definitely looks like she's got something growing under that jumper and it's certainly not a bowl of macrobiotic miso. Ginger is also looking a bit more voluptuous of late and she doesn't care who sees it. She hasn't officially confirmed that she's pregnant yet but, with that bump, she can't keep deflecting the question for too much longer.

Brange on the move

Guys, the mystery is wearing thin, unlike Maddox's shoe leather which is virtually intact. First you go through customs in Japan like a family of four, with Brad carrying the baby. Then you go on to an official meeting where you pull the old trick of sitting a mile apart to show that you've never seen each other's private parts. Never mind all that saintly humanitarian work - you're no virgin, Ange, and we all know it.

Brace, brace

Kate Moss adopts the position for Pete Doherty to come and ruin her career all over again.

Holiday shopping

Most people like to do a bit of shopping for the holidays but Brangelina are taking the concept to new heights. While most people shop before Thanksgiving and then spend a couple of days at home larding themselves up, Brange are going to buy themselves a baby in Pakistan. Not content with an Asian and an African baby, Brange have their eye on a Pakistani baby to complete the ethnic set. You have to salute their humanitarian zeal but what's the rush? Zahara is only 9 months old and Maddox seemingly can't even walk yet so why get another baby? Baby glue never holds a relationship together. People, so much to learn, so little time.

Wedding belle

Nice to see that Christina Aguilera hasn't lost her understated style. While I like the flower arrangement in the background, Christina has gone for the Barbie in a blender look. There's more flounce on that dress than in drag queen's wardrobe. She looks happy though and if her new husband's speech was anything to go by, we know exactly why. At a wedding rehearsal dinner Jordan Bratman thanked his parents for his "good looks and his large dick".

Breast is best

In the week that Victoria Beckham was finally to admit that, yes, she did have a boob job (wow, I can barely believe it), it seems that someone else has something to admit. Lindsay Lohan, who is dramatically restyling herself as a haute couture whore, seems to have been tampering with her own assets. Hideous fake tan aside, her breast doesn't exactly hang as much as jut out. And she's got some strange indent under it. Given the amount of weight she's lost, those babies have to be fake.

Skinny mummy

Another day, another picture of Brangelina shopping for toilet paper. And Maddox Jolie is still not walking on his own two feet. The result is that Maddox is rounding out from the lack of exercise but Ange is fast disappearing under her black wrap. She's barely filling out those trousers and her head looks disproportionately large. Skeleton chic a la Nicole Richie is becoming a real possibility. But if she wants to start spawning any Pitt-Jolie kids she'd better start eating again.

Love Boat

Maybe there's a connection between Robbie Williams forking out a few million quid for a yacht and his reluctance to sleep with a wo(man) in his own home. The boat, apparently called My RW (inspired), could be the solution to always sleeping round at his shag's place instead of taking them back to his. He can have a storm in any old port now.




Robbie and a big boat

Obsessive Care

Robbie Williams is always banging on about being single. Being rich and hot must just be such a bind. Well, there seems to be a good reason for his single status. If you're not willing to let anyone into your home, then it's going to be slim pickings on the dating front. Apparently he doesn't want anyone contaminating his lovely LA home. Either he's got some cleanliness obsession or there's that other old chestnut - he's gay. And got a cleanliness obsession. Or maybe he just picks up hookers, in which case he's got a point about the hygiene issue.

His 'n hers

They might not be able to stay faithful to each other but at least Jude and Sienna can colour co-ordinate. And in their fragile situation, you've got to latch onto the positives, however small. And believe me, this is a small point of convergence in a sea of twisted relationship crap.

If they can manage to stay together, they'll soon be wearing matching fleeces, deck shoes and chinos. But it looks like Jude might not make it as far as that shopping trip. With that manic laugh, he'll soon be following Kate Moss into rehab due to 'extreme tiredness'.

Naomi Williams

So Robbie was schtupping Naomi Campbell? Brave man. She's no compliant pussycat but she does, like Robbie in the pre-mint tea and card playing days, have a taste for the Columbian marching powder. And you can't fault her abs and legs. Crazy, yes, a lardass, no.

She does, however, fall down on the fidelity front though. Despite having a 'serious' relationship with Formula playboy Flavio Briatore, Naomi still managed to squeeze a year of sex with RW. It's not a conundrum I've faced, unfortunately, but I know who I'd chose faced with a hake-faced lothario and Mr Williams.

Wedding face-off

Nicole Kidman is not to be outdone on marriage and motherhood. With Katie Holmes now programmed and waiting to drop that poor, blighted baby, Nicole is obviously feeling the heat. So she's got herself a short man and a big diamond ring.

Enter country crooner Keith Urban; he's short, he's clearly as unstable as Nic. His credentials alone make him seem like another Kenny Chesney in the making: dreadful music and a fastforward attitude to romance. Why date and get to know each other when you can marry and divorce in four months?

Keith does have one big advantage over got-to-be-gay Kenny - he's hot. He also displays some degree of dress sense, unlike Kenny who thinks he's good to go in a 10 gallon hat for any occasion.

But like Renee Zellwegger stinging from Jack White's impromptu marriage to Karen Elson, Nic is seriously on the rebound. Let the countdown to conubial carnage begin.

Rizzo rises again

I don't know what Sienna, on the red carpet for the premiere of her new film Casanova, is smiling about here. It's certainly not down to her outfit or hair. We know she cut her hair for an upcoming part as Edie Sedgwick in an Andy Warhol film so technically that's not her fault. The outfit, however, is. With the ill-fitting bustier and big earrings, she looks like an extra from a provincial stage version of Grease. And, for a whippet thin girl, she almost looks lumpy.

Given that Jude Law was seen slipping into screening before Sienna arrived, the smile tells you everything you need to know about her red carpet preparation. She clearly spent it on her back.

Puss in Boots

Madonna is playing it safe. If the new album should fail, she's got a second career lined up for the festive season - pantomime. She's even trying out the costumes on the red carpet. Why else would she be wearing this hideous purple outfit?

Position vacant

I've found a new job (what am I saying, he doesn't have a job so this could be his first) for terminal malingerer and 'rapper' K Fed. Now that he's fulfilled his role as the inseminator and soon-to-be absent father for Britney's baby, K Fed could move on and get himself another gig.

Halle Berry is supposedly pregnant. It could just be a bit of water retention and a slow news day. If so, then K Fed should take Halle up on her offer. 'If there's no serious man, whoever I'm dating at the time, I'll say, 'Hey, would you like to have a baby? I'll sign a paper that will say I won't ask you for one red cent,'' she said recently. That job description should be music to K Fed's ears, something he's certainly depriving us all of with his 'rap' album.


If this is when she's happy, imagine what she'd be like when she's pregnant.

Health Warning

For no other reason than to warn you against the evils of plastic surgery (and of course to laugh at other people), I'm putting up this picture. Goldie looks like a melting waxwork and whatever happened to Meg? She used to be hot and then she took a nosedive after the Russell Crowe incident. Kate Hudson take note.

Mirror Image

Recognise this picture of Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn? Is there something in their awkward poses that reminds you of another couple? Well it should.



The way they are looking in different directions, not talking, with hands in jammed in their pockets screams Brad and Ange at the ShoWest awards earlier this year. Then, those two tried to pull the innocent look by adopting supposedly non-sexual poses. Which ever pr expert told them to do that should be sacked because there's more repressed sexual tension in that one picture than a whole library of Jane Austen.

And now Jen and Vince are trying to pull the same ruse, when Vince is reported to be living at Jen's house. Just because Brad is playing coy (and stupid) doesn't mean you have to too.

But full marks to Jen all the same for retaining her dignity even if her ex-husband is a completely insensitive bastard. If that's the way he treats his wife, Angelina is more than welcome to him.

The Sweet Smell of Money

Gwyneth Paltrow may be many things - an actress, a mother, Chris Martin's wife, a vegan - but exciting she is not. But, strangely, Estee Lauder seems to think so. Gwyneth has been drafted in to replace the increasingly raddled posh bird Liz Hurley as the new face for their perfumes. Gwyneth, says the company, is "a bit more exciting" and will "vamp up its image and make it more sexy". Really? She's certainly younger than Liz but vampy, sexy and exciting? When did tofu mash and whining become hot?

Extras

We've already established that Tom Cruise doesn't have a sense of humour. There's the incident with the water pistol in Leicester Square, there's his unironic taste in camp leather jackets, there's his fake relationship with Katie Holmes. The list goes on and Tom still doesn't get the joke. So his appearance in the next series of Ricky Gervais's Extras should be interesting. I can't wait to see what happens when Ricky sends him a script full of innuendos about his sexual orientation.

Renaissance

Kate Moss is back and, correct me if I'm wrong, but she looks good. She's even put on a bit of weight. Just goes to show that a drugs bust doesn't damage your career; if anything, it gives you the chance to make a big comeback.

Mandonna

You have to hand it to Madge - she puts the hours in. Not many 47 year olds look as lean and muscular as her. Well, at least not many 47 year old women. Men in drag maybe but not biological ladies. As Borat, the host of last night's MTV awards, commented, “It’s very courageous of MTV to start off the show with a transvestite." In that yellow lycra suit there's certainly no mistaking which gender he is.

The Pitts

Oh for God's sake, just tell us what we know. What kind of 'friend' would let you live in their house, look after your kids and follow you around like a crazed stalker? Answer: a 'boyfriend'. These two clearly love drama otherwise they'd just come out and say the obvious.

There is just one cloud on their horizon though (apart from the fact that neither of them has quite got the hang of fidelity). Angelina may be in control now but just look at her Victoria Beckham pout. All the signs of a VB transformation are there - weight loss, lots of kids and a partner desperately clinging to his youth through bad hair and clothes. You've been warned.

Hollywood or bust

Meanwhile, old VB is looking to get in on Angelina's act. Posh is house hunting in LA, where celebs are left in peace and any surgically enhanced two-bit actress can try her skeletal hand at a film career. Her locations of choice are Malibu and the Hollywood Hills, whereas my location of choice for her would be Siberia. Still with her negligible acting skills she'll soon be out in the cold.