Spot the Faker

With beards and merkins popping up all over Hollywood, it's not hard to know who's real and who's not. We have body language to help us sniff out the fake relationships. While Cruise and Holmes continue to be outed by their awkward hand holding and strange poses, they have new challengers for the fakery crown this week. Fresh from 'dating' George Clooney, Teri 'Pipe cleaner' Hatcher is now lavishing her anorexic attentions on Ryan Seacrest, the lucky boy.

Teri and Ryan just decided to take a walk on the beach, pose on a rock for a photographer and then go for this clinch, which rivals any of the Cruise-Holmes repertoire. If Ryan thinks that smooching someone's top lip while sniffing their nose is a sign of love, then he needs to be sent back to straight school.

Second Time Unlucky

Ah Jennifer, when will you learn that you can't compete with the Jolie? Getting engaged to Vince Vaughn just one year after Brad left you just isn't in the same league as Ange's double international adoption, pregnancy and husband-napping. And marrying your rebound man can only spell doom. Especially one who proposed to you in Vegas. You are so money baby but he is, after all, a swinger.

Beauty and two beasts

Looking at this picture, who could truly say that natural beauty is dead? Certainly not me. It's a moment of synergy across two generations of unreconstructed womanhood. Cher, with her jet black hair, lilo lips and plasticised face, is clearly a credit old age pensioners everywhere. And Christina, well, what can I say about her toxic skin tone, peroxided, crispy hair and bordello lips? It's an improvement on the bargain basement brothel look she worked for a long time but someone needs to tell her that new hubbie Jordan will still be able to find her if she doesn't glow in the dark.

Not even a basic fashion instinct

So now we know why Sharon Stone is single. Has she heard of a stylist?

I (really don't) wanna kiss you

And on and on the charade goes. I think we're all agreed that Tom Cruise just can't do straight. After this week's hand holding awkwardness (below), Tom tries to take it up a gear for the world's press by attempting a smooch. Yeah, because every straight man thinks 'I'm so straight that I'll notify photographers and then go in for a two-handed kidney grab'. Again, the hands give it away. Too lowdown and not touching anything remotely erotic or female. Katie's gone for the standard hand-in-hair-because-he's-so-darned-hot manoeuvre but who's she kidding? Tom? Hot? He's never hot unless you're a 15 year-old rent boy and you're being paid thousands of dollars an hour. And finally, why is he always covered up head to foot? So he won't touch skin with a lady?

I (really don't) wanna hold your hand

Tom, has straight deportment school taught you nothing? Just grabbing your 'girlfriend's' hand in your fist when the cameras appear doesn't say genuine heterosexual relationship. Even if you're as mentally challenged as you clearly are, how difficult can the concept of holding someone's hand be? We know you like holding certain male appendages in your hand but you need to change your grip for a lady's hand. It's more intertwined fingers than leading a young rent boy to the bedroom by his dick, as seen here. And the hat? Let's not even go there.

Eva and Joaquin

I wonder what Eva Mendes' longterm boyfriend makes of this picture. Joaquin's got that look - post shag fag in this mouth, crumpled jeans falling off his arse likes he's just picked them up off the bedroom floor, tousled hair. Eva's not exactly looking virtuous either in that mismatched outfit and big shades. What's that polo neck jumper hiding? Love bites? Are the shades hiding the fact you've been up all night ramming the headboard into the bedroom wall?

I've never seen Eva's 'boyfriend', he may well be a god, but even he must understand the pull of Joaquin. How can any woman resist him?

Belly watch

Okay, shall we open up the bets? Pregnant or just hitting the curly fries a bit too often?

The Oscars

Has the voting jury for the Oscars changed or something? Are they letting registered charities have a go instead of Hollwood industry types? Because I'm sure that this year the association for the blind, and possibly deaf, selected the winners. Rachel Weisz? Best supporting actress? Give me a break. When you compare Rachel to Reese Witherspoon, who won best actress for Walk the Line, you just see a huge, gaping abyss between Rachel's redefinition of the word 'wooden' and Reese's natural, engaging style. And Brokeback Mountain doesn't get best actor or film?

Still, there's an upside. Next year members of the national association for Tourette's syndrome might get to present the awards.

And now for the dresses. Charlize Theron went for bows in a big way. Felicity Huffman got carried away with being famous. Jessica Alba needs to eat, as does Nicole 'Just call me Renee Zellweger' Kidman. Maggie Gyllenhaal looked her usual miserable and badly dressed self. Michelle Williams pulled off the yellow but then screwed it all up with a big Joker mouth. Only Keira Knightley actually looked good.

Whose is the worst?

Skinny love

I'm not sure which is more shameful. That she's so thin or that she's back with her nasty looking boyfriend. In fact, I think she's only back with him because he keeps her thin and therefore famous.

DJ AM, as he's pretentiously known, used to be obese. To shift the lard, all 324 pounds of it, he had a gastric bypass. Apparently he's as obsessed with his own weight as he is with Nicole's. He wants her to be superthin like him. As the architect of her new anoxeric shape, Nicole needs him there to say what she can or can't have, to point to 'tubby' photos on her fridge door and say 'do you want to look like that again? If you do, then I'm out of here'.

Nicole has only really stepped out of Paris Hilton's equally skeletal shadow since she started showing some ribs. If she wants to stay in the limelight, then she'll have to stay thin. Expect the wedding to AM to be back on sometime next week.

Walk the Latino

I'm not sure who's luckier in this new pairing, Eva Mendes or Joaquin Phoenix. Eva has undoubtedly got that sultry Latino thing going on - stern but sexy. Cross her and she'll shrivel your testicles with just one hard stare at 50 paces. Joaquin, on the other hand, looks a rough and tortured soul. That lip, those mistrustful eyes, that cigarette permanently clamped in one hand and the hip flask in the other. Any woman with fixing tendencies will be drawn to this man like a magnet. So are they really getting it on? What do you think?

Red Hot Momma

Not much to report here apart from Gwen is turning into one red hot Momma. She hasn't lost her style despite the challenges presented by the bump.