All knickers and no trousers

What's with celebs and underwear at the moment? First Britney can't seem to put any knickers on. And now Sienna Miller wears her knickers on top of her tights instead of trousers. And no, she hasn't just stepped out of a dance class - it's the New York premiere of Factory Girl.

I know she started a major trend with her floor skimming boho skirts, as well as a minor trend last summer by wearing a swim suit and mini combo around town. But she has also tried out other fashion statements with less success. The bowler hat anyone? I'm hoping this big knickers and tights look will go the same way as the hat for all our sakes. What Britney and Sienna don't seem to realise is that, unless you are a teenage boy or a sad man, there's such a thing as too much information.

Coming to America

Its officially time to throw out your TV and start playing chess instead. Not content with achieving complete tabloid saturation, the Beckhams could be coming to a TV screen near you some time soon. In a bid to increase their fame in the US, the happy couple are considering an offer from the Fox network to star in their own Osbourne style reality show. Titled Living With The Beckhams, the series would follow them as they just used to life in LA. You can see the benefits for Victoria. With a camera crew filming his every move, when will David find time to stray? If you can't watch him when he's out of your sight, then why not have a professional film crew to do it for you instead?

Vic and Kate do Paris

While the former Cruise companion Penelope Cruz is no doubt celebrating her Oscar nomination (see post below), the present bride of Scientology is busy swanning around Paris with new best friend and soon to be neighbour Victoria Beckham. And what a friendship that is proving to be. Who could have predicted that Victoria would find a sidekick capable of making her look stylish? Not me, that's for sure. But Katie Holmes has brought her ageing but moneyed aunt aesthetic to the table and Victoria is reaping the rewards. Just take these two black outfits. Victoria is actually looks demure but young. Katie, on the other hand, looks like a politician's wife at a funeral. After all that hard work to lose the baby fat, this outfit does her no favours even though she's probably whippet thin underneath the horrid tulip skirt. Scientology is evil in many ways but it's crimes against fashion are mounting up.

The Oscars

It's that time of year when Martin Scorsese gets overlooked. Again. Could this be sixth time lucky for him? Will The Departed finally win him the best director Oscar and confirm what we all know anyway? Or will the Academy keep cruelly dangling that golden carrot in front of him?

Another longheld ambition could finally happen next month. Twenty five years ago British director Colin Welland claimed that 'the British are coming' when his film, Chariots of Fire, cleaned up at the Oscars. Now he could have just known that Hugh Grant would indeed be coming in Hollywood thanks to the nimble lipwork of a hooker. Whatever psychic abilities he had, he's finally been proved right. British talent is being recognised this year, with Helen Mirren, Judi Dench and Kate Winslet all in the best actress category. But given the British tendency to overshoot the mark (just ask Hugh) maybe Penelope Cruz will go home clutching an Oscar. She certainly deserves one for her performance in Tom Cruise: The Movie.

Best picture
Babel
The Departed
Letters From Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
The Queen

Best actor
Leonardo DiCaprio, Blood Diamond
Ryan Gosling, Half Nelson
Peter O'Toole, Venus
Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness
Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland

Best actress
Penelope Cruz, Volver
Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal
Helen Mirren, The Queen
Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada
Kate Winslet, Little Children

Best supporting actor
Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine
Jackie Earle Haley, Little Children
Djimon Hounsou, Blood Diamond
Eddie Murphy, Dreamgirls
Mark Wahlberg, The Departed

Best supporting actress
Adriana Barraza, Babel
Cate Blanchett, Notes on a Scandal
Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine
Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls
Rinko Kikuchi, Babel

Best directing
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, Babel
Martin Scorsese, The Departed
Clint Eastwood, Letters From Iwo Jima
Stephen Frears, The Queen
Paul Greengrass, United 93

Best foreign language film
After the Wedding, Denmark
Days of Glory (Indigenes), Algeria
The Lives of Others, Germany
Pan's Labyrinth, Mexico
Water, Canada

Best adapted screenplay
Sacha Baron Cohen, Anthony Hines, Peter Baynham, Dan Mazer and Todd Phillips, Borat Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
Alfonso Cuaron, Timothy J Sexton, David Arata, Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby, Children of Men
William Monahan, The Departed
Todd Field and Tom Perrotta, Little Children
Patrick Marber, Notes on a Scandal

Best original screenplay
Guillermo Arriaga, Babel
Iris Yamashita and Paul Haggis, Letters From Iwo Jima
Michael Arndt, Little Miss Sunshine
Guillermo del Toro, Pan's Labyrinth
Peter Morgan, The Queen

Best animated feature film
Cars
Happy Feet
Monster House

Best art direction
Dreamgirls
The Good Shepherd
Pan's Labyrinth
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
The Prestige

Best cinematography
The Black Dahlia
Children of Men
The Illusionist
Pan's Labyrinth
The Prestige

Best sound mixing
Apocalypto
Blood Diamond
Dreamgirls
Flags of Our Fathers
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

Best sound editing
Apocalypto
Blood Diamond
Flags of Our Fathers
Letters From Iwo Jima
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

Best original score
Babel, Gustavo Santaolalla
The Good German, Thomas Newman
Notes on a Scandal, Philip Glass
Pan's Labyrinth, Javier Navarrete
The Queen, Alexandre Desplat

Best original song
I Need to Wake Up from An Inconvenient Truth, by Melissa Etheridge
Listen from Dreamgirls, by Henry Krieger, Scott Cutler and Anne Preven
Love You I Do from Dreamgirls, by Henry Krieger and Siedah Garrett
Our Town from Cars, by Randy Newman
Patience from Dreamgirls, by Henry Krieger and Willie Reale

Best costume
Curse of the Golden Flower
The Devil Wears Prada
Dreamgirls
Marie Antoinette
The Queen

Best documentary feature
Deliver Us From Evil
An Inconvenient Truth
Iraq in Fragments
Jesus Camp
My Country, My Country

Best documentary (short subject)
The Blood of Yingzhou District
Recycled Life
Rehearsing a Dream
Two Hands

Best film editing
Babel
Blood Diamond
Children of Men
The Departed
United 93

Best makeup
Apocalypto
Click
Pan's Labyrinth

Best animated short film
The Danish Poet
Lifted
The Little Matchgirl
Maestro
No Time for Nuts

Best live action short film
Binta and the Great Idea (Binta Y La Gran Idea)
Eramos Pocos (One Too Many)
Helmer & Son
The Saviour
West Bank Story

Best visual effects
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Poseidon
Superman Returns

Rugrat

Quite why Victoria Beckham is considered to be a style icon I'll never know. She might be Roberto Cavalli's muse but to me she looks like a spokesperson for Allied Carpets. Take this outfit, especially the rug that she's apparently just picked up off the nursery floor.

Her bag might cost more than my annual salary but it's just one jarring ingredient in a hideous mishmash of styles. Then there's the hooker's boots, the office worker trousers, the gym vest and the military cap. Whoever classes that little lot as style shouldn't try crossing a road without their guide dog.

Reality bites

Reality TV has rarely ever done what it says on the tin - namely, given us any accurate picture of reality - until this year's Celebrity Big Brother. Finally, thanks to Jade Goody's relentless racist bullying of Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty, reality TV has shown us the uncomfortable truth. We might be a multicultural society but that doesn't mean there is racial tolerance or understanding, particularly among the ignorant of which Jade Goody is surely the flagbearer.

For someone who can't see that calling someone 'Shilpa Poppadom' is racist until someone else points it out to her, Jade Goody has been remarkably clever about milking her moment of reality celebrity. She's already raked in £50,000 for telling her side of the story since leaving the Big Brother house on Friday. Follow-up stories of her profound contrition (and rising bank balance) will surely follow. It just goes to show; ignorance pays. And here's where it started paying out in its full technicolour glory. http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/jade1.shtml

Golden Globes part II

Beyonce's not the only one who needs a bit of help in the dressing stakes (see post below). Victoria Beckham could also do with taking some style tips from Helen Mirren. Out hunting for houses in LA, VB decided to skip the bra. Like we didn't know it was her under that cap. With that entourage, those massive sunglasses and, of course, the suddenly bigger but still unsupported breasts, who else could it be?

Golden Globes

Will Martin Scorsese finally win an Oscar for The Departed? Will Helen Mirren get one for The Queen? Frankly, who cares? Certainly not these ladies parading round like peacocks in some borrowed dress. The awards season is all about the red carpet - who's a high-end success and who's a white trash disaster.

As befitting her status as Hollywood royalty, Angelina Jolie looked demure, well, as demure as anyone can covered in tats.

Cate Blanchett, usually the best dressed at any ceremony, was off par this time. Not sure the bustle is anything more than a catwalk concept.


As for Beyonce, did no-one tell her it wasn't a themed event? Just because it's the Golden Globes doesn't mean you have to wear something approximately a gold dress. Leave it to fiftysomething Helen Mirren to show her how it's done.

Hollywood called Victoria Beckham...

... and left this message.


Victoria may be looking forward to the shopping now that Becks has got a contract in LA, but you can bet her husband is thinking of window shopping for something else all together. Madrid is one thing but Hollywood will be wall-to-wall wannabe starlets, all whippet thin, jacked up on silicon and willing to do anything to get into the big time. Posh allegedly convinced Becks to go to the US but she might be pining for Madrid before long. Or spending a lot of time praying at the Scientology temple with new bbf and fellow weak spirit Katie Holmes.

Another day, another loser

KFed has obviously left a loser-shaped hole in Britney's life that she's desperately trying to fill with just about anyone (Paris Hilton to name but one). The latest candidate to fill KFed's old spot, one actor-model Isaac Cohen, should do the job quite well. He looks like KFed, he dresses like KFed and, just like KFed, he seems to think that we all want to see his pants (in the British sense of the word). Britney might want to get into them but I certainly don't want see half of them spilling out of his jeans. I can only assume I'm getting old.

The Five Year (and 12 month) Itch

So, week two of 2007 and the body count is rising. Not only has Justin Timberlake ditched Cameron Diaz (was is the brown hair, Jus?), but Drew Barrymore has reportedly told boyfriend Fabrizio Moretti that she needs 'time off'. In the real world I'm not so sure that concept would fly with many couples. 'Darling, we've been together for five years but I need some time off. I want to sleep with other people/shop/travel (delete as applicable).'

Someone who should have checked if his wife was up for the 'time off' idea was Marilyn Manson. Less than a year after marrying Dita von Teese they are getting divorced because he's dating 19 year-old actress Evan Rachel Wood. Maybe he didn't read the wedding vows or maybe, just maybe, he's just a scummy lowlife dating a girl half his age. Bet Evan's parents are just thrilled.

Ringing the Changes?

Now I don't want to mislead anyone rooting for Victoria Beckham to ditch her philandering husband but I'm going to anyway. Victoria, as you can see from this picture, is not wearing her wedding ring. She's wearing a huge rock instead. Is this just the right accessory for her dress or a statement about her marriage? You decide.

Animal love

If this photo hadn't had a caption, I'd never have guessed that it was Courtney Love. She's gradually morphing into that awful cat woman, Jocelyn Wildenstein.
A few more procedures and she's there. I'm guessing her date's eyesight is fading last. He dated Courtney in the 1990s and if he can still recognise her, then he's on as many mind altering substances as Courtney.

Tumble and fall

Does this sound like grovelling to you? Because, from where I'm sitting, it does. In an address to her 'fans' on her website, Britney claims to be more mature and 'free'. I think we can all safely say that she's free with her underwear choices and her consumption of alcohol. As for mature? I've seen pieces of Stilton with more maturity.

Apparently, with the media turning on her and a terrible new album, Britney is finally getting on her knees before her dwindling fans. And no, not like that. Not yet anyway. Come back after the new album has been released and Britney might well have to start turning tricks of a different kind.

Dear Fans,

It has been a while since I've addressed you personally here on my official website. The last couple of years have been quite a ride for me, the media has criticized my every move and printed a skewed perception of who I really am as a human being. Behind every decision I have made in my public life there always seems to be an apparent contradiction. I have come to terms with that which is why I usually don't pay much attention to it.

The last couple of years have been very enlightening for me and now that I've had the time to be "me," I've been able to sit down and think about where I want to go with myself as an entertainer with absolutely no strings attached. I am now more mature and feel like I am finally "free." I've been working so hard on this new album and I can't wait for you all to hear it and to go on tour again! I would like to exclusively tell you that I am working hard to release the new album sometime later this year, but the date is of course not certain yet. I look forward to coming back this year bigger and better than ever, and to also reaching out to my fans on a more personal level. I noticed today that one of my biggest fansites is shutting down soon and I want you all to know that I do understand all the reasons that went behind making that decision, and I am sad to see it closing. If I were you I'd be unhappy too if I had to read what I've been reading every day. But trust me, I get it. I know I've been far from perfect and the media has had a lot of fun exaggerating my every move, but I want you all to know that I love my fans so much, and I appreciate everything you have done for me, so Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

Love,
Britney

http://www.britneyspears.com/

Happy New Year

We're just three days into the New Year and already the fatalities are piling up. First off is Kate Moss, a woman who can bounce back from public crack use to huge riches. She may have racked up the contracts since being photographed doing drugs but will she keep raking in the money now that she has apparently married her crack guru, Pete Doherty?

Moss and Doherty are said to have tied the knot in Thailand at some sort of candle lit ceremony though I'm not totally convinced that an onlooker didn't confused lighting up the crack pipe with a teelight. The fashion industry clearly doesn't give a shit about Moss's drug use - she sells their stuff, she gets their money. Anything else doesn't matter. However, what will social services have to say about Doherty being a permanent fixture in Moss's daughter's life? Hopefully, a lot. Would you want your children waking up to this man everyday?
And, of course, where would we be without Britney Spears falling down drunk somewhere? New Year's Eve saw the hard-drinking single mother out in Vegas. After hitting the champagne all night Britney then passed out and have to be carried out. Her publicist naturally denies this but it's Britney. She doesn't wear knickers and she can't hold her drink.
And finallly, I have nothing particular to say about Christina Aguillera other than lay off the fake tan. You are orange. And no, that's not a good thing.