Straight cruising

You've got to give Tom Cruise credit. He's 42 but still peddling the idea that he's straight. That's some kind of stamina. You'd think that after one marriage and a couple of relationships with Latino ladies he'd finally crack under the pressure of all that smiling and hand-holding but no, Tom keeps rolling out the young ladies to prove his hetero virility.

His latest willing beard is Katie Holmes, she of Dawson's Creek. After the busty charms of Sofia Viagra, Cruise has switched back to home turf with Holmes' wholesome all American loveliness. So he keeps giving lie to his straight persona and she gets lots of PR coverage to keep her in the press until Batman Begins comes out this summer. So everyone's a winner.

Coming out, going down

More proof, if any were needed, of the celebrity relationship merry-go-round. Brad and Jen have only just crashed and burned but now Brad could be coming not. No, not out of the closet (though his overly honed six pack might say something different) but finally proving that all those Angelina rumours were true.

He was spotted on the beach in Africa with Angelina and her son. There was no hand holding or frolicking but their mere presence together on a random African beach is enough. In fact, the careful distance between them and the clarity of the photos scream one thing: PR set-up. Could this be Brad and Angelina's way of going public without rubbing poor Jen's turtle-like nose in it? It certainly has the whiff of a 'softly softly' PR campaign all over it.

While that relationship could be out in the open, it looks like Posh Beckham might finally have to admit to marital meltdown. The Beckhams' former nanny has told the British gutter press that David wanted to leave Victoria after his affair with Rebecca Loos.

Given that celebrity relationships have the shelf-life of a dead pig lying in the hot sun, Brad could find himself cosying up to the former Mrs Beckham. She's got all the right qualities: no friends and inflatable lips.

The Odd Couple (yet again)

Something's Gotta Give saw Diane Keaton pass up younger doctor Keanu Reeves for schoolgirl skirt chaser Jack Nicholson. The Hollywood moral of the film was clear - stick to your own age group or be damned. Nicholson was struck down with a heart attack for romancing a whippersnapper.

But Diane seems to have ignored this advice and is now said to be dating Keanu. While Keanu is not exactly in short trousers (he's 40), Diane is a post-menopausal 59. Okay, she's never had kids so the elastic hasn't snapped beyond help but she could fall prey to the Douglas-Zeta Jones syndrome. They say age doesn't matter but then you see Michael bleeding and oozing all over his shirt from some suspicious scars round his ears. If something really has to give in the cross-generational love match, then it's usually excess skin.

Jacket Man

Pity poor Damien Hurley. Not only is the wan philanderer Steve Bing his dad but the oversized toddler is entirely kitted out by kitsch king Elton John. Apparently Elton and his partner David Furnish take Liz and Damien shopping twice a year to buy his summer and winter wardrobe. At least he's escaping from Liz's penchant for the crotch-slaying tight white jeans but Damien is looking at a lifetime of Versace print suits, slimline trousers and dangly earrings. Suddenly Bing's white trainers and pleated jeans don't look so bad.

Blood Wedding

It's a good thing that a new Pope is on the way cos Kate Moss is going to need all the praying and divine intervention she can get. If her summer wedding to the narcotic shambles (Pete Doherty) comes off, she will surely be going head-to-head with the Feds for the quickest marital meltdown in celebrity history.

Seeing at Britney already has a 55-hour record under her belt, Kate will either have to dump Pete at the reception or get pregnant and dump him before the baby is born. Either way the race is on but at least Kate will look effortlessly good as she completes the ever smaller circuit between meeting, marrying and alimony.

Lip service

Someone who should be laying off the collagen. Again.

Given her recent brush with death and limited mobility, I can only assume she wants the big lips to soften any fall. Or to deflect a blow from hubbie Lee Chapman.


From trout pout to simian smile

Kick me baby one more time

Brace yourselves - Britney baby season is officially open. Not content with spawning two kids by some other sucker, Fed has planted his unclean demon seed in the world's most famous virgin (apart from the original virgin, Mary, who was clearly just working that angle because Jesus mysteriously appeared a few short months after her hasty wedding).

Britney's baby can only mean one of two things: marriage implosion and media saturation. Married in September, pregnant by January and only 23? That just has 'doom' stamped all over it. The only light at the end of the tunnel (and Britney's tunnel is something I personally don't want to think about) is the baby's name. Will they do what Britney's vain parents did and name the unfortunate offspring after themselves? Jamie Lynn might work for her little sister but Kevin Britney?


A vision of the hell to come

The Incinerator

Never mind all this Supernanny, Nanny 911 business. Got kids who won't tidy up? Leave their dirty clothes all over the place and refuse to clean up? Stern nanny in a starched collar and the naughty step just aren't going to cut it with teenagers.

Well, Arnie could have the answer. Burn the lot. Take all those dirty clothes and make yourself a nice, big bonfire at the bottom of the garden. It's a method he obviously picked up from that other well-known Austrian, who had a penchant for ethnic cleansing, knee-high boots and moustaches. Books, clothes, what's the difference?

I'm just hoping the heat melts Arnie's plastic face.

Strange obsession

The odd crushes and couplings continue a pace. Keira "I'm really an 11 year-old boy" Knightley thinks Hugh Grant is hot and wants to work with him. What's sexy about bad acting, emotional constipation and aristocratic pretensions?

Anyway, Hugh likes his woman whippet thin (see: the skeletal Jemima Khan), so Keira could be in with a chance.


Calista watch your back: there's a contender for the pre-pubescent crown

Green queen

If you're wondering what happened to your Christmas wreath, then ponder no longer. In the spirit of recycling, Princess Camilla thought she'd build her hairstyle around those dried out old leaves for her wedding day. While the grey (or should we say oyster) coat combo worked, the blonde hair foliage literally gave her the "dragged backwards through a haystack" look. She's always been a slave to the hot brush but this time it all got out of hand. Just where did the leaves end and the hair begin?

A small tip, Camilla: it's time to ditch the 80s flick.


christmas wreath or palms from Easter Sunday?

Model behaviour

Kylie is starting to look more waxlike than her effigy at Madame Tussaud's. With that smooth brow, those scared eyes and the hollow cheeks, she looks like an extra from a low budget slasher movie. Never mind the 'has she hasn't she' speculation about her arse, that face speaks of a thousand procedures, not least Botox.


Kylie sees herself in the mirror

The Odd Couple mk II

Following the unlikely romance between Kristin Davis and silver fox Steve Martin, another strange coupling has come to light this week. No, not Justin Timberlake and Bruce Willis in the next Die Hard instalment but Christian Slater and Lindsay Lohan. Yes, you did read that right. A teenager with a fake tan addiction and an ageing wildman with an addictive personality.

Lindsay was clearly not content just dating someone from That 70s Show, the interestingly named Wilmer Valderrama. Lindsay actually wanted to date someone from the 1970s. Who has two kids, convictions for battery and a stint in rehab under his belt. Should she want to add wife swapping to her romantic wishlist, I hear Jude Law could be free.


Lindsay relaxing at home

End of The Affair

Apparently Jude Law and Sienna Miller's romance could be over. Give a shit? No, neither do I.

Meet the Feders

Ever felt that the fly on the wall camera should be swotted? Then stamped on and flushed down the toilet for good measure? If The Osbournes, the Anna Nicole Show and The Newly Weds didn’t turn you against celebs on camera round the clock, then the Federlines surely will. Just imagine it – Brit & Kev slumped in front of the TV picking each other’s spots, Brit & Kev queuing at McDonalds, Brit & Kev buying leisure suits, Brit & Kev ordering takeout. The list is endless.

Not only that but the lovebirds are hosting and producing the series. And they’ve shot some home footage for it. Phew. At this rate they’ll need a sabbatical in Cancun to recover.

We should be grateful for small mercies, though. There are only six episodes and, if recent reports are anything to go by, they’ll be getting divorced by the first commercial break.

Gwen Best Dressed?

Harpers & Queen, have you no sense at all? Why is Gwen Stefani top of your best dressed list? Since when did hairnets, string vests and fried yellow hair add up to the ultimate fashion statement?

While I think Gwen Stefani has a look, it's a minutely executed, constructed style. She doesn't just throw on any old jeans and t-shirt and pop down to the shops for a newspaper. She probably plans her outfit the night before and then gets up at the crack of dawn so that an army of Japanese girls can paint on the crimson lips and wrestle the crispy processed locks into a net before she sets foot out the door.

So why did she knock Kate Moss from last year's top spot? Kate is the queen of nonchalant style. She looks like she does just throw on any old crap and still looks good when she staggers down the road to buy fags. And she's had a kid and she parties like a trouper.

And lets forget that Sienna Miller comes in at number four in your list.


Gwen working that straight out of bed look

The Transmogrification of Ditzy

Is it just me or is Mariah Carey morphing into Beyonce? On the cover of her new album - the appalling titled Emancipation of Mimi - Mariah looks more like silken Thunderthighs than the halter-necked, hotpant toting crackpot of old.

Mariah definitely seems a few shades darker and her outfit could be straight from Tina Knowles’ sweatshop for Vegas hookers. Time to ditch the entourage of kitten strokers and candle snuffers for rappers packing heat.


Where are the two backing singers, I mean, the rest of Destiny's Child?