Mrs Urban

What is it about Christmas that makes celebs get wedding fever? Is it the thought of all those future Christmases alone, with nothing for company but the TV and 50 stray cats? Whatever it is, then Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are not alone in their premature marital plans. It seems that Nicole Kidman is going to tie the knot with country singer and highlight lover (check out his streaky hair) Keith Urban this weekend.

At least these two have actually been seeing each other since January, which in celeb world puts them on a par with Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman (married for 40+ years). But there is a touch of sour grapes about this. Tom Cruise does his religious gay mindmeld on Katie Holmes and gets her pregnant? And wants to marry her next year? Then clearly Nicole has to get married before him.

The one big consolation for Nicole must be that Keith might be shorter than her but at least he doesn't trampoline on chatshow sofas or go around mouthing off about anti-depressants. Any comparison with Tom Cruise makes Keith seem resoundingly well-balanced and attractive (apart from those ratty streaks, of course).

Tori and Dean

Just how much of a schmuck is Charlie Shanian feeling today? 14 months after his extravagant wedding to Tori Spelling, she's engaged to someone else. Actor Dean McDermott, who is also inconveniently married to someone else, proposed to Tori at a Christmas tree farm on Christmas Eve in Canada.

Dean's compliant sister, clearly not worried by the fact she still has another sister-in-law, strung up lights leading to a table set for two. Dean and Tori turned up in a horse-drawn carriage and then he got down on one knee to give her a diamond and sapphire ring.

"It was so magical," said Dean, who's been married to Mary Jo Eustace for 12 years. "All the stars aligned." Or should that be all the dollar signs? Old Charlie, who's not exactly known for anything in his own right, is asking for some of Tori's money mountain in the divorce settlement so maybe he's not so stupid after all. Two words spring to mind 'Cris Judd'. Oh, and 'big pay-off'.

Looks like Dean could do with some of Pa Spelling's money straight away to sort out that lazy eye. And to get his head read. Tori Spelling? They say love is blind, and the lazy eye can't help, but really?

VB and her TBs

Victoria Beckham proves once again why she is the bestfriend of gay royalty. Arriving at the wedding of Sir Elt and his partner Lady David, VB looked at her tackiest best. The highlights, hair extensions, fake tan, fur, fake nails, fake breasts and tasteless trouser-dress creation. It's but a short step from the Donatella Versace school of chic. The trout pout, fat hands and crepey, overtanned skin are all Victoria's for the taking.

Gwen again

For all you Gwen fans, of which there are clearly many (including me), here's picture of the lady in question off-duty in Miami. Pregnancy is agreeing with her.

Woman in white

Anyone who saw this picture of Gwen Stefani at the recent Billboard Awards must have thought something was wrong. Stefani might often get the style thing wrong but never this wrong. The chunky thigh, the chalky face, the wrapover mini dress. Who in the name of God wears a wrapover mini dress, particularly a white one? It would seem that a pregnant, bloated, slightly sicky Gwen Stefani would wear one. Let's see how long the high maintenance coiffure and make-up last when she's got cracked nipples and throbbing piles.

Wedding day

Thank God Britain finally came to its senses and let gay people get married. Among the first to make it legal this morning were Sir Elton John and longtime partner David Furnish.

Merry Christmas...

...from the Pitt-Jolies. Here's a taster of the family Christmas cards of the future thanks to artist Todd Umbarger.

Renee and Kenny: round II

Oh Renee, when will this insanity stop? Is it not enough that you hastily married a gay man in a big hat? Well, it seems not because Renee and estranged hasty husband Kenny have been going on regular dinner dates in Connecticut and New York. The shock is not that Renee was seen tucking into a plate of refined carbs but that she was seen cuddling up to the bald crooner who she labelled a 'fraud' not five minutes ago. Could the annulment be off? Is Renee Zellweger a woman with no emotional intelligence?

Finally...

...the Germans get something right.

Divorce Kevin

It was only a matter of time before Britney fans saw the truth staring them in the face. Once the whirlwind wedding and the birth were over, they saw that Fed was plainly bad news. Since hooking up with him, Britney has gone to seed. How long has it been since we've seen her in public without a coronary inducing venti iced mocha (extra cream and vanilla syrup) in one hand or traipsing round toilets barefoot? You could say that she was just relaxing a bit after years of hard, high profile work. Or, you could say that she knew subconsciously it was all going tits up with Fed and was comfort eating.

Now that the fans have got wise to the situation, they've started their own campaign to get rid of Fed. Here it is. Enjoy. http://www.divorcekevin.com

Meanwhile, Fed just keeps giving Britney fans grounds for complaint. The fancy cars have been towed away, Britney celebrates her birthday without him and he's still mooching around like the lowlife bum that he is. Looking like a man with no worries and someone else's platinum card, Fed hits the green for a round of leisurely golf.

Bosom belle

Compare, if you will, this picture of Scarlett Johansson with the one below of Michelle Williams. If you were asked to pick out which one had just had a baby, you might go for Scarlett. She might be proud of her ample rack but I don't necessarily want to see so much of it.

Baby belle

In the heyday of Dawson's Creek, I never really had time for whiny Jen. My eyes were naturally drawn to chubby Pacey. Let's face it, if you had to choose between vulcan headed Dawson and monobrowed Pacey, it was going to be the monobrow every time. Now, however, Jen aka Michelle Williams is finally hitting the big league if only because she's shacked up with Heath 'soon to be bald' Ledger. And I have to say she's looking good. Only weeks after pushing out baby Matilda, Michelle graced the Brokeback Mountain premiere looking like this. Let's hope it's not down to a Heidi Klum style postnatal routine of starvation and bootcamp training.

The Damon Supremacy

Not to be outdone on the serious life commitment front, Matt Damon has married girlfriend Luciana Bozan. He saw Affleck's baby and raised him a wife who already had a kid. And Luciana's a non celeb too. Unlike Affleck's tabloid splattered days as Bennifer v.1, Matt has married a woman who used to be a waitress but is now an interior designer. And she's not exactly a looker, with those teeth but hey, he loves her and it has more chance of working than J Lo's rush job with Skeletor.

Smoking Gun

I had Natalie down as a sensible, intelligent girl. She shuns the limelight, values her education and is not letting Gael Garcia Bernal slip through her fingers for a second time (allegedly). But here we have proof that she might not be so sensible after all. Cigarettes, Natalie? It's not like you need to smoke to keep your weight down.

Divorce looms larger

Fed is clearly working hard to keep his marriage alive. While Britney is busy throwing out his clothes, sending back the presents and consulting the lawyers, Fed is sitting back in a club and downing the booze. Does this say something about the different way men and women handle crisis? Or just that he is an arsehole?

Nicole (With)kidman

Is there a Christmas rush on or something? Because I just can't keep up. So far this week, we've have Britney kicking out the Fed, Brad Pitt applying to adopt Maddox and Zahara and now Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban apparently expecting a baby.

After Keith got down on one knee before Thanksgiving, Nicole is said to have flown her parents in to meet her prospective inlaws. Throughout the whole meeting, Keith was spotted rubbing Nicole's stomach. He could just have been marvelling at her honed washboard tummy but I'm guessing he might have another reason.


Nicole hopes pregnancy will work wonders for her bust

Splitney Spears

Ah, love's young dream over so quickly. And who could have predicted it? Every life form from single cells amoebas upwards, that's who. If the person you're seeing is cheating on his partner, then there is only one way your relationship can go - to shit. Especially if that partner is heavily pregnant. Cheating on the mother of your unborn child says alot about your moral code i.e. you don't have one, you're just going where it suits you and nobody else. Clare Danes beware.

After boozing and smoking lots of weed since baby Sean was born, Fed has finally got the finger from Britney. She has sent back all thos big shiny cars she bought him, gone out partying alone and called in the divorce lawyers. We all knew, in the end, she'd be a trashy single mum. I'm guessing there's a new TV series in there somewhere. Or maybe she could hook up with Nick Lachey and it could be the Newly Singles show.

Baby Friday

It's babies a go-go today. Gwyneth is, as predicted, with child. Cue lots of snickering about names for baby number two (sesame, clementine, plum anyone?). And the Affleck Garners have finally become three, no doubt much to the relief of Jennifer whose stomach elastic must have gone completely by now. The bets are on the baby girl being called Violet. Old fashioned but nonetheless cute.

The Old Stripes

Nice to see Jack White is still working, even if it just supporting old drag queens.

Desperate Spice

Remind you of anyone? Eva Longoria is starting to look scarily like a certain Mrs Beckham with that long hair, pout and skinny jeans combo. Eva is even posing outside a match featuring her sporting boyfriend Tony Parker. The similarities are freaky. Maybe five years down the line, Eva will be a real desperate housewife. While Tony goes off to train and shag models, Eva will be at home with the kids, wondering whatever happened to her global domination. And then she'll start designing jeans. Mark my words, it could happen.