Merry Ex-mas

Now who do you think cheated on his A-list wife with this catalogue model? I admit it's not an easy one to answer - it could be any one of a long list of famous culprits but in this particular case it's Mr Nicole Kidman aka Keith Urban. According to the model, one Amanda Wyatt, Keith was a regular 'visitor' from 2004 until a month before he married Nicole in May. She also claims they started seeing each other again in October this year around the time he checked into rehab.


Apart from dropping the obvious bombshell - that he was cheating on his pristine wife - Amanda also reveals some lovely facets to Keith's personality. "When we made love he never used protection," she said in an interview. "Whenever he was in town we'd see each other two or three times a week. We'd drink and party and make love and (were) constantly on drugs. He drank constantly – his favourite was Crown Royal Reserve whisky – and he did drugs. Ecstasy, cocaine, pot – you name it."

Now rehab can hopefully help with a whole feast of addictions and compulsions but it can't stop you being a complete asshole. Once a cheating asshole, always a cheating asshole.

Christmas Puddings

Buying a Christmas present for Victoria Beckham must be a nightmare. What do you buy a woman who has turned designer shopping into an Olympic sport? Her family may not know what to buy her but Victoria has been shopping for herself already and she knew exactly what she wanted - a new pair of fake breasts. Nothing reminds you of the birth of baby Jesus like silicon implants and some fresh scars.

The breasts might be new (and frankly, horribly out of proportion with her withered frame) but the story behind them is getting very, very old. He's lowlife cheating scum. Ditch him. Enjoy being single for a bit. Then get yourself someone who loves you and can keep his John Thomas in his pants. How many times are we going to have to go over this?

And a merry Christmas to you all!

Happy Birthday Mom

What do most mothers get for their birthdays? Perfume, handbags and chocolate must come high on the list but Britney Spears had other ideas when she celebrated her mother's birthday in LA. There was certainly no handbag on the menu for Ma Spears just the sight of her daughter gyrating in a see-through lace dress on the stage at burlesque club 40 Deuce. And old Britney wasn't just on stage for a quick turn. With a cigar clamped in her mouth, she gyrated for so long that she held up the performance and the management finally had to ask her to go back to her seat. I can only imagine Ma Spears must have been so proud, especially just after seeing pictures of Britney exiting a bush outside another LA club with interesting stains on her skirt.

Knowing Britney's rampant lack of hygiene (visiting public toilets barefoot, anyone?) I'm guessing she was relieving herself among the plants but who knows the real reason could be a whole lot dirtier.

Young, free and oh no, I'm not single

Footballers are never famed for their IQs, after all kicking a ball is not exactly the most intellectually demanding of activities. Spare a thought then for David Beckham. He can kick balls but he can't quite get his thick skull around one of the basic tenets of marriage - fidelity - and therefore needs to have his balls kicked. Very hard. Preferably by an overweight trucker in stilettos.

Apparently David's been straying from home again, this time with a 16 year-old Spanish model. Her agency has packed her off on a long holiday as the tabloids have caught wind of the Beckham affair. Hopefully absence will not make the heart grow fonder.

This latest tryst would explain Victoria Beckham's adolescent body shape. She can't be 16 again but she can sure as hell look like one, albeit an anoxeric one with fake tits. My advice, and I'm sure of every self-respecting woman with half a brain, is to stop putting up with it and start eating.

Take Two

Is it just me or do these pictures look similar? Brad looking down, as if vowing obedience and devotion to someone he's ultimately going to dump. The one with Jolie, from The Good Shepherd premiere last night, has all the hallmarks of a couple in love but then so does the one with Aniston. Ange and Jen might be on opposite sides of the Brad divide now but, a few years down the line, they may well have something to talk about.

For the time being, Ange has extended what she sees as an olive branch to Aniston, saying that she'd be willing to meet her but "that would be her decision, and I would welcome it." For the dumped wife, I'm not sure 'olive branch' would be the best way to describe it. Maybe a 'slap in the face' or 'a way for the adulteress to assuage her guilt' would be? Because peace is surely the last thing you'll get from meeting your ex-husband's new partner, the glamorous, edgy, big-breasted one he left you for and had a baby with.

And I'm sure that Ange's interview in the January issue of Vogue is also not bringing much peace and love to Ms Aniston's festive season. Despite saying that Brad was clearly with "his best friend, someone he loves and respects" when he and Ange first met in 2003, the two developed a "strange friendship and partnership that kind of just suddenly happened. I think a few months in I realized, 'God, I can't wait to get to work.' … Anything we had to do with each other, we just found a lot of joy in it together and a lot of real teamwork. We just became kind of a pair."

By the end of shooting Mr & Mrs Smith, though, their loins had started to itch or, as Ange puts it, "it took until, really, the end of the shoot for us, I think, to realize that it might mean something more than we'd earlier allowed ourselves to believe. And both knowing that the reality of that was a big thing, something that was going to take a lot of serious consideration."

So they entered that phase of being "very, very good friends" (don't you just love the euphemism?) from the time the movie wrapped in 2004 until after Pitt and Aniston split in January 2005.

It's a lovely story, particularly at this time of year; it fits right in with all the other Yuletide fables and myths. And the ending has 'Christmas tale' written all over it. One day, says Ange, Maddox "just out of the blue called him Dad. It was amazing. We were playing with cars on the floor of a hotel room, and we both heard it and didn't say anything and just looked at each other. So that was probably the most defining moment, when he decided that we would all be a family." Aah, now there's a story to warm your cockles on a cold winter's evening. Or, alternatively, a crock of shit to change the public perception of Ange and Brad from adulterers to caring parents. Good humanitarian work, and a sanitised version of your relationship, doesn't cancel out your other misdeeds.

Back to Black

The enforced retreat from partying was never going to last long. Britney, it seems, stayed home long enough to change hair colour, then it was off with the knickers and out the door. Did she think people wouldn't recognise her with her new hair or that black says 'serious' where blonde said 'trashy and not fit to look after children'?

Anyway, to complete the new look, Britney has got herself a new man accessory - music producer Jonathan Rotem (JR). When she wasn't busy out dining and watching movies with him this weekend, Britney was busy sucking off his face in public and, according to one report, in private at his apartment all night. She must be paying that nanny double time.

Fag Hag

Why people worry about Pete Doherty leading Kate Moss astray, I don't know. The woman isn't exactly the picture of innocence and purity. You wouldn't find many nuns chain-smoking, would you now?

The Pitts

Ah Jennifer Aniston, you're not having a good week, are you love? All this Vince break-up stuff has been a pain, especially as you probably split up a while ago and have just been playing the happy couple for the sake of good PR. But then your philandering ex-husband goes and decides to marry that damned Jolie woman before Christmas. At least he's not planning one of those Tom Cruise media events, complete with a magazine deal and a crazed but handsomely paid bride. At least it'll be in South Africa and only Oprah Winfrey, George Clooney, Daniel Craig, Madonna and Guy Ritchie will be attending. That's got to be some small consolation, hasn't it?

The other consolation will be that it will be Angelina's third marriage and Brad's second. Statistically speaking the odds are against them which won't make Jennifer feel better now but might make all the difference when the Lips decides she's over marriage and wants to have an open relationship with a eunuch instead.

I Walk The Line

Who needs uptight parents, snotty neighbours or even a divorce court judge when you've got the tabloid press to question your morals? And Britney Spears has certainly been caught in the full beam of its disapproval over the last few weeks. After relentless hounding by journalists who love her (for their circulation figures) and hate her (oo, she's such a slut and leading our young people astray with her lack of moral fibre but, hey, that's good for our circulation figures too), Britney has retired from the party circuit. You can't help but feel she's been forced to do it. Why would she put her slippers on and settle down for a night of TV when she could be out partying with Paris Hilton with no knickers on? She's young, she's recently single and she's rich - all the ingredients for a few months of wildness and pubic nudity. Instead, she's issued a statement on her website justifying her behaviour. What are the chances that she actually wrote that? Or even meant it? Slim, as slim in fact as one layer of fabric separating Britney's bare arse from her car seat.

"It's been so long since I've been out on the town with friends. It's also been 2 years since I've even celebrated my birthday. Every move I make at this point has been magnified more than I expected, and I probably did take my new found freedom a bit too far.

Anyway, thank God for Victoria Secrets' new underwear line! I look forward to a new year, new music and a new me.

I'm just getting started …. Happy Holidays everyone!"

http://www.britneyspears.com/

The Break-Up

Life is imitating poor romantic comedies again. After enacting a break-up on film, Jennifer 'The Chin' Aniston and Vince 'The Advancing Forehead' Vaughn have split up. No surprises there. They've been working in different countries and according to various catty reports, Jennifer is very needy. Clearly needing to be in the same city is just asking too much for some men.

Now that Jennifer is back on the market - or probably more accurately, back weeping at Courtney Cox's kitchen - she could do worse than hitting the town with newly single Rachel Bilson. The OC actress has split up with Adam Brody after three years. There's nothing like starting the holiday season as a romantic refugee.

And spare a thought for old Spice Girl Mel B. After a whirlwind relationship with Eddie Murphy, Mel is five months pregnant and suddenly single. Not only that, but the gallant Mr Murphy is also contesting paternity. Why not kick a woman when she's down (and carrying your child)?

Share and share alike

I know, I know - you want more picture of Britters sans culotte but this is not a porn site. You'd be forgiven for thinking so given that Britney goes commando every waking second. Instead I bring you other, more disturbing news. Not content with hanging out with Paris Hilton, Britters is now said to be dating Brandon Davis. This is repulsive for two reasons. Firstly, he is a greaseball. The man doesn't wash and looks like one of Elvis's roadies. Second, he is Paris's ex-boyfriend. If that combination doesn't make your stomach churn, then you'll be fine eating undercooked chicken from a street stall in Bangkok.