Celebrity revolving doors

As one 'relationship' dies, another one comes to take its place in the gossip pages. Lisa Snowdon and George Clooney, RIP. But for how long, because in the manner of a Buddhist reincarnation, it's already the second time round for that relationship. Maybe now that Lisa has milked herself enough exposure from the deal, she can now move on. Clearly, she didn't get the celebrity reporter's job on GMTV on her talent alone. It was all down to George and her ample, unfettered cleavage.

They're not in the same league, being Canadian, but Avril Lavigne is getting married to human troll Deryk Whibley from Sum 41. And in a dry run of the real thing, Kate Moss and Pete Doughface Doherty had a 24-hour marriage at Glastonbury last weekend.

Britney Spears is obviously another graduate of the bra-free school. And judging from her latest outing, a postgraduate of the Jodie Marsh apparel-free institute. Britney's been spotted wearing a cropped tie-top (no bra) and a skirt (I'm guessing no pants) slung under the expansive bump. But Britney wants to show us more and is mulling over doing a naked shoot for Vanity Fare a la Demi Moore. The question is why. We've seen it all. More than once.

The Holmes Hit List

Tom Cruise should mind keep an eye on Katie. Long before she met Tom, Katie said she dreamed of marrying him. A strange dream but nonetheless one that looks like it's actually going to happen. But Tom should worry - he is not alone in her fantasy hitlist.

"I watch Brad Pitt movies and I think: 'I'm here, call me'," said Katie before she got engaged to Tom.

Now that the other object of her affection could be back on the market, albeit "allegedly" entwined with Angelina Jolie, Katie could be poised for a trade-up. One short religious fanatic with a perma grin and no sense of humour versus one pot-smoking bad boy with loose morals. I know which way I'd jump.

Hand

In the Pitt-Aniston-Jolie love triangle, Jennifer seemed to come out the worst. Jilted for not wanting babies, Jennifer was a hard, selfish wife who sacrified everything for her film career. "Screw having kids, Brad, I wannabe the next Nicole Kidman and stay thin." No wonder her devoted husband was tempted by a pneumatic babe with a mile-wide motherly streak. And Ange was just a shoulder to cry on.

Or so we thought. Now it turns out that she did want kids but Brad was cheating on her. Some turn around. Far from seeking solace in Angelina after the break-up, Brad was schtupping the nympho lunatic long before his marriage went to the wall.

And now Jennifer is getting her own back by cosying up to Brad's old friend Vince Vaughn. While Brad and Ange now look cheap and dirty, Jennifer has now got hand.

Rocketman begins

Katie Holmes has nothing to prove. No, those glasses aren't a pathetic attempt to say "I might be a beard for a gay Scientologist, but I'm also a crazy, whacky kind of gal".

Maybe there's another much simpler explanation for borrowing glasses from Elton John's 1970s eyewear collection. Katie is primed and ready in case another random squirter tries to sabotage their joy.


Check out those crazy shades

Because we're SO not worth it

Unable to resist any chance to whore, sorry, promote the Beckham brand, David and Victoria will soon be swishing their locks and uttering "because we're worth it". The happy couple have signed up to do L'Oreal ads and follow in the august footsteps of David Ginola and Natalie Imbruglia, who are a washed up footballer and a struggling pop star. What a coincidence.

While the Beckhams can generate acres of column inches by simply getting dressed and walking (look, Victoria wearing a skirt, look, Victoria walking from the car to a shop), L'Oreal have overlooked one crucial issue. Posh's hair used to belong to a hirsute Russian Rapunzel and David is beginning to recede. As an advert for hair, they are saying either buy someone's scalpfull or shave it all off.

Every Ruddy Word

Tom Cruise has been scuppered by Alan Partridge. It's not often you can say that, particularly since Partridge is a fictional character.

Possibly sidetracked by his outburst of Tourette's at Sunday's premiere of War of the Worlds ("you jerk, you jerk, you jerk"), Cruise's plans to help Victoria Beckham break into Hollywood have been overshadow by the faded Norwich presenter, who has given Posh a role in Alan Partridge: The Movie. She's going to essentially play herself - a celebrity interviewee in a film version of Steve Coogan's TV series - but I'd prefer to see her play something more realistic. Pauline Calf's slutty but snotty friend?

Indecent Proposal

This month's celebrity car crash romance has hit fifth gear. If Katie Holmes were a crash test dummy, she would now be hurtling headlong out of the backseat (no seatbelt, silly girl), millimetres from cranial contact with the windscreen.

Cruise, that triumph for orthodontists everywhere, apparently got down on one knee at the Eiffel Tower in Paris today, determined to make Holmes his third wife. "Today is a magnificent day for me, I'm engaged to a magnificent woman," he said. Love may be blind, or at least blighted by having to constantly gaze upwards despite the heel lifts, but Katie Holmes is a nice, average kind of girl and inoffensive, average kind of actress. In short, perfect, malleable wife material.

Hollywood Spice

The Short One's crusade to warp the minds of feeble women continues a pace. Not content with turning Katie Holmes into a Scientologist clone, he's now promised to turn Victoria Beckham into a Hollywood star.

Tom allegedly told Twigtoria: "You are witty, have great comic timing and a fantastic accent. You have great potential to be a huge Hollywood star." First off, note how he doesn't mention her looks. And his claims fall down on a number of counts.

To an American, Twigs might seem like a natural for stardom. Devoid of any acting or singing talent, so thin she's virtually transparent and insecurities the size of Nebraska, she could fit right in with Paris Hilton and the endless list of other talent-free wannabes. And only an American could think that the adenoidal Hertfordshire twang would pass for class.

Tom, your delusions are truly amazing. What you lack in height, you make up for in insanity.

What Katie did next...

...or should that be "what Katie didn't do next because her Scientology minder wouldn't let her"? Tom Cruise has apparently hired a Scientology minder for Katie Holmes to make sure she doesn't stray from the path of righteousness while she's promoting Batman Begins. Gosh that's so normal and run-of-the-mill boyfriend behaviour I don't even know why I mentioned it.

But what kind of boyfriend does hire a religious minder to watch his girlfriend's every move? A paranoid one? Or a control freak? Or perhaps in Tom's case, a short paranoid control freak? Whatever the reason, Katie should be ditching him. Now.

Mr & Mrs Smith

If Brad and Ange want to prove they're not together, then they're not going about it the right way. To promote Mr & Mrs Smith, they are appearing in W magazine in a shoot that is sure to have Jennifer Aniston speed dialling Courtney Cox faster than you can scream "Whore".

The photos show Brad and Ange saying grace with their brood of angelic kids, Brad and Ange smooching in their living room and Brad lying with his hand down his trousers while Ange hovers over him menacingly with a gun. No sexual tension there then.

Jackson O

So Michael Jackson has been cleared of child abuse. Blah blah blah. Like we really gave a shit. Only his 'fans', ie people whose lives are so empty that they leech onto any dysfunctional drama, really care. Evidence: people who have time to go and buy 10 white doves to release when the verdict was read out have far too much time on their hands and too little personal life of their own.

By the far the most interesting thing, apart from just how mad his parents are, is Jackson's hair. With those sunglasses permanently clamped to his head and the lightly backcombed bouffant, Jackson is starting to look like Jackie O. The pinched, thin skin and skeletal face do nothing to break the illusion. All he needs is the little handbag and long string of strange family deaths and he's away.

Love sick part II

Just a quick one, which is probably what Tom says to Katie all the time.

Interviewed at the Batman premiere in London this weekend, Katie was asked whether she and Tom are engaged. Instead of just saying no, she had to varnish her answer with her usual sickly sheen. "No, we're not but that question makes me smile." Ugh.

Love sick

Anyone with a delicate disposition should avoid all entertainment news. Got a hangover, acid reflux, a baby on the way or any other condition that makes you feel nauseous? Because Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are sure to bring the bile to the back of your throat.

Any man over 40 who uses the word 'cool' is not cool. Mix it with a declaration of love - in this case Cruise's love for Holmes being 'beyond cool' - and people on planes should be reaching for the sick bags.

Holmes is equally guilty. Calling herself "the luckiest woman in the world" is not only vomit-inducing but also factually incorrect. Going out with a short, control-mad Scientologist divorcee doesn't make you lucky. It makes you young, insecure and easy to manipulate.

The Pitts

Finally Brad Pitt looks shit. Long hair suited him, short hair suited him. Even the big Grizzly Adams beard suited him (kind of). But the peroxided hair and eyebrows frankly make him look like a chav. He says it's for a part but maybe, like every woman whose relationship has gone to the wall, he's just had a radical cut to get that marriage right out of his hair.

He'd better hope that he is dating Angelina because with that hair the queue of lovelies gagging for a date has just dispersed.


brad proving that not all gentlemen prefer blondes

Wedding Spice

Even if her own marriage is going down the pan, Victoria Beckham can bathe in the reflected glow of Liz Hurley's totter down the aisle. Liz has asked Transparent Spice to be one of her bridesmaids and while Victoria is pleased to have been given the honour, she's also understandably worried about what Hurley might make her wear.

Stupidly Victoria thinks frumpy dresses and flat shoes are on the cards. Surely, as Liz's friend, she knows that the Hurley wardrobe consists entirely of crotch-hugging white jeans and inappropriately revealing dresses. So the chances of ending up in a floral meringue are slim, if not as wafer thin as Liz herself.

Only the other bridesmaids should be worrying. Compared to Hurley and Beckham, they are going to look huge, even if they don't have to wear a chintzy armchair. It's the skinny girl's law: always have a fat friend to make you feel better on your down days. One guess where Elton John is going to be standing in the group photos.

Russ gets Phone Rage

There's something so satisfying about seeing Russell Crowe in handcuffs. After all his scuffles and outbursts, finally someone has shackled him up and taken him to court. This time it's for 'allegedly' throwing a phone in a hotel porter's face.

Apparently peace-loving Russ was trying to call his wife from his hotel room in New York and the phone didn't work. Most people would either ring reception to get it fixed or just go down to the lobby and make the call there. Or even use their mobile. Russ, however, never a man of predictable, logic behaviour, storms down there, phone in hand and then 'reportedly' hurls it at the porter. Nice work. Let's hope he never finds a hair in his coffee at Starbucks.

The Mancunian Candidate

Finally all that fighting and front have come home to roost for Liam Gallagher. The Oasis singer is going to star in a film called The Apprentice as real-life gangland boss Paul Massie. Although having your front teeth knocked out in a brawl bar in Germany and kicking photographers can't compare to a 14-year prison sentence for stabbing, Gallagher has all the attitude (and more) to play a Manc mafioso. Now that Oasis have run out of creative steam (just how boring is Lyla?), maybe it's time for Liam to look for another career. After all girlfriend Nicole Appleton is hardly bringing in the cash with her desperate attempts to become a TV presenter.

Celebrity Wedding Trump

Breaking up with someone is one thing but then seeing them marry someone else within months, if not weeks, is sure to smart the newly single. What better way to get them back, then, than by going out and sealing your own wedded bliss after a ridiculously short courtship?

That's just what White Stripes frontman Jack White has done. Not to be outshone by former girlfriend Renee Zellwegger and her beach wedding to country singer Kenny 'The Hat' Chesney, Jack trumped his bony-arsed ex by marrying ginger model Karen Elson up the Amazon. And no, that isn't a euphemism.

Renee clearly cornered the exotic, seaside ceremony, so Jack upped the ante by holding his own ceremony in a canoe on the Amazon in Brazil. And, he got a Shaman priest to do the honours. The happy couple did bow to convention (and no doubt parental pressure) by having a Catholic blessing as well.

Karen appears in The White Stripes' new video Blue Orchid and has been going out with Jack for all of five weeks.

We just have to wait and see which marriage implodes first. My money's on Renee.

Bald-faced style

On the subject of Natalie Portman (see below), the jury is out on her latest hairstyle.

While the lack of hair makes her face seems even more ethereal and doe-like a la Sinead O'Connor or Queen Nefertiti, your eye is inevitably drawn to the back of her head. And boy does she have a big, meaty, square skull. Which is not what you'd expect from a slip of a girl like Natalie. But then again she probably needs all that scalp to contain her sizeable brain.


No, those hideous beads won't disguise the fact you have no hair.