K Infidel

Suddenly Britney Spear's descent into slutty madness makes sense. When you know that her lovely husband started an affair with an 'exotic dancer' and former 'adult actress' just weeks after Britney gave birth, then you can see why she'd go on the rampage.

It seems that the lovely Kevin met Kendra Jade in Vegas (where else?) last year and, as all good husbands would, kept in touch. When Britney was visiting her family in Louisana in October, Kevin again did what all upstanding husbands with strong moral fibre would do: he asked Kendra to re-enact her more poignant film scenes with him.

In what is turning out to be a bad week for Britney, her first husband of 55 hours Jason Alexander is furiously penning his autobiography. Or, as it should be marketed, his shameful attempt to make money out of a famous friend. So far he's revealed that Britney was not the virgin she claimed to be. Gosh, the shock. And that Britney has an eye for the ladies. "All beautiful girls like other girls in some way," he said. "All girls are attracted to other girls. She found other girls attractive." I'm sure we'd all like to thank Dr Alexander for his insight into female psychology. And I'm sure that he's not on Britney's Christmas card list this year.

And finally, for those of you who want to see what all the fuss is about, here you go. Britney in all her knicker-free glory. http://lghe4oiis-uapn-taec.usercash.com/

Three's a crowd

You just know that this threesome is going to be trouble. Take one celebrity delinquent, a moneyed airhead and a newly single pop star with serious white trash roots and you get a truly frightening combination. While taking copious drugs, wearing no knickers and sleeping with random famous people is par for the course for LiLo and Paris, Britney is taking her public rehabilitation way off course by running around town every night with these two. After lowering her stock with K Fed, the last thing she needs to do is take it further into the gutter. Or, with these two in charge, into the sewer. It will take some judge to deem her worthy of sole custody of her kids when she spends her entire time getting her extensions in, her tits out and her rocks off.

Wed in haste, divorce at speed

I hope you're all sitting down for this one because the news is shocking. It's news you could never predict, even in your wildest, most outlandish fantasies, and you may never get over it. Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are getting divorced after almost four months of marriage. Clearly true love only has a three month shelf-life so Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes should be okay for a few years yet.

Who could have foreseen the sudden marital meltdown when the wedding was so classy? With Kid in a clean tshirt and baseball cap and Pamela in some dress that could barely contain her assets, the ceremony had elegance and committment written all over it. When Pammie slipped into a white bikini for the wedding reception you just knew this pair's shared love of trash would see them through. How could I have been so wrong?

The NBF (New Bad Friend)

I know the feckless K Fed is going to try to take her for all she's worth but does Britney have to turn to prostitution? That's the only reason for wearing this 'dress'. And the professionally laddered tights. And you just know that Paris Hilton is egging her on. For once quite demure in a dress that covers both her nipples, Paris looks like the bad influence your mother warned you about. She'll encourage you to do things but never do them herself. "Sure, you'll look real hot but classy in that green dress," you can just hear Paris saying to Britney, knowing full well that the tacky ho dress will make her look elegant and make Britney look like she's working Santa Monica boulevard.

Curved spines & warped minds

Katie has started married life as she means to go on - laughing at her husband (in a mixture of fear and scared amusement) and slouching. I hope her multi-million dollar pay-off is going to be worth the hunch back she's quickly developing. While she might be able to wear a back brace in her hours off public duty, it will be much more difficult to straighten out the Cruise madness now warping her mind. Imagine those crazed, intense eyes boring into your at such close proximity every day. I think I'd be laughing nervously too. And secretly plotting my escape.

Oops I did it on camera

Just when you thought Kevin Federline couldn't get any sleazier, the lowdown rotten sneak forces you to redefine 'scum'. K Fed is looking to make more than a few quick bucks (around $120m to be precise) by selling a video of Britney en flagrant on their honeymoon. But God bless Britney, or more likely her lawyers, who has decided to put the footage on the internet for free to stop Fed from making any money out of it. While she might scupper this scheme, Fed is still planning to write a book about his life with Britney. Chances are it will be about her snorting and sucking talents rather than her quilting and cookie baking skills.

With her deadbeat husband causing trouble at home, Britney has been making some of her own. In Vegas she's been pairing up with celeb liability Paris Hilton. You couldn't even start to imagine the conversation they might have. Hair extensions clearly figure in there somewhere. And then Britney's been spending lots of time in a crop top partying with Dancing with the Stars' Mario Lopez. It's only a matter of time before she stops eating and starts hanging around with Nicole Richie.

The Wedding

So the happy day has been and gone and Katie Holmes is now Mrs Cruise. It was good of Katie to buckle at the knees so that she didn't look taller than Tom in the official photos. It was also good of Victoria Beckham to try and steal the limelight at someone else's wedding. There's nothing like shrink-wrapped fake breasts and a great wheel of a hat to divert eyes away from a demurely attired bride. But at least the black outfit was an improvement on the bizarre tutu she chose for dinner the evening before. Unless you're a professional ballerina or under five, you're not going to get away with a tutu.

And the less said about JLo and her cadaver the better. I never thought I'd advocate fake tan but for God's sake, get that man some paper pants and spray him now.

When in Rome

So psycho dwarf and his easily influenced fiancee are about to walk down the aisle (not sure if Scientologists actually do that - maybe Katie will be beamed down from High Command) in Rome. Why marry in Rome, the home of Catholicism, when you can marry in the obvious place for a Scientologist (ie Nutsville, CA or any psychiatric institution)? Could the Pope secretly be a Scientologist too? He's certainly got Tom's scary dead eyes and crazy ideas but that's all probably down to his love of brown uniforms circa 1939. My guess is that, as always, Cruise is going for the international media event THAT PROVES HE IS NOT, REPEAT NOT GAY. A quiet ceremony with a few friends wouldn't be aggressively hetero enough; only a huge media frenzy guaranteed to bring both the American and European tabloids flocking to his nuptials will satisfy Tom. When phase one (the wedding) is over, expect phase two (the honeymoon) to produce lots of photos of Tom and his new bride holding hands and kissing for the droves of photographers.

Madonna and Child part II

Ah, Madonna, you just don't know the word moderation. That's been all too clear with the whole sex era. Did anyone (and here I mean anyone apart from men) want to see you masturbate, however artistic it was? Then there was yoga. Then there was Kabbalah. And there's always been the whole world domination thing. But now we have a new excess to add to the list. Not content with one newly acquired baby, Madonna's going back for another to get 'some balance'. She's so right; you can't have two white biological children and one adopted black one. Or one girl and two boys. Clearly you have to have two girls and two boys of each colour.

While you can't fault her humanitarian zeal, you can question the idea of shopping for a baby. Apparently she's taking Lourdes and Rocco to Africa to choose a new sister and no doubt passing on the idea that if you want something and you have enough money, you can have it.

The arms say it all

American tabloids are rife with rumours that Nicole Richie has had a gastric bypass, lost too much weight and so had the procedure reversed. The shocking thing in that rumour is not that she's had a bypass - clearly her obesity needed to be addressed - but that she eats at all. Gastric bypass or not, the woman - though at this point she might not have the breasts, hormones or menstrual cycle to actually be one - puts very little into her mouth. Sharon Osbourne has had a gastric bypass and she doesn't look like the living dead. But then Sharon Osbourne presumably still eats.

Eva Longstocking

Has she just got off a long haul flight? Has she got bad tennis knee? Or could Eva Longoria just have bad fashion sense? My money's on option three. Who the hell wears white tights, apart from five year-old girls going to a birthday party and arthritic ladies over the age of seventy? Whoever sold her that idea should be cast out into the fashion desert along with the evil celeb stylist Rachel Zoe (responsible for bringing us anoxeric chic a la Nicole Richie) and Victoria Beckham.

Thigh High

Another day, another picture of Britney proving to herself that she's still got it. In real terms this means showing as much thigh and wonky breast as possible while still nominally wearing clothes. At least today she's wearing a bra.



Meanwhile, back in the paranoid world of celebrity anoxerics, Victoria Beckham is also showing a lot of leg but for once keeping her plastic attributes under wraps. Or should that be inside a bit of old carpet she pulled off the floor of her car? If anything, the oversize shagpile wraparound makes her look even thinner than usual. Her legs, shoulders and spindly wrists look even smaller sticking out from something so huge, ugly and probably hideously expensive. And she might think that pout is sexy but how wrong can she be? The dead eyes and slack lips are just screaming 'carbs, I need carbs now'.

The Break-Up(s)

What is going on this week? It's just one relationship going to ground on the rocks of infidelity, sub standard behaviour and frankly bad choice of partners (that's all I'm saying, Britney) after another.

Britney is clearly the big news of the week and she's certainly hogging the limelight in her ever smaller, tighter dresses. Divorce does not necessarily mean slutty but trust Britney to bring a new spin to proceedings.



Then there's Ryan Philippe who was allegedly thrown out of a Miami establishment after being found in a toilet cubicle with three women. And that's on top of claims he was doing co-star Abbie Cornish during the filming of Stop Loss. While still married to Reese Witherspoon. Ryan's claiming he's 'not perfect'. Too right. He's not even in the same ballpark as 'crap'.



And finally, not exactly A list news, but it's a break-up all the same. Jason 'Sex & The City' Lewis and Rosario Dawson are no more. Who knows why (and who cares)? But going on the performance of K Fed and Mr Phillipe this week, I'm bracing myself for more tales of male weakness.

Brit and Kev: The End

We all knew it would happen and now it finally has. Britney has filed for divorce from Kevin Federline, freeloader and slack father extraordinaire. And she doesn't look too upset about it either. In fact, she's never looked better.

While dropping that extra fat (and I don't mean the baby weight) might be part of cutting Fed right out of her hair, it also suspiciously looks like the PR rehabilitation of Britney. After two years of slumming it with Fed and generally soiling her public image, Britters is doing her darndest to clean up her name. So it's back on the treadmill, out with the hair extensions and out in public doing wholesome things like ice skating and appearing on chat shows. It can't be long before she 'opens her heart' (ie rakes in the cash and simultaneously wins back her audience) to Oprah and a series of celeb magazines. It won't be long before Fed is doing the same but I'm guessing he's not going to be getting much sympathy after leaving one pregnant girlfriend for another woman with a much bigger bank balance.

Britney's back

For someone with two small kids and married to a slob, Britney's looking good. After all the barefoot in a bathroom and thunder thighs in Daisy Duke shorts, old Britney has come back in good shape. Those Starbucks cream specials must definitely be off the menu.

While you can't fault her commitment to exercise, you can however question Britney's love of wigs. With that dodgy hairpiece and those shades, I first thought I was looking at Meg Ryan or Courtney Love - not exactly two looks to aspire to.

Desperate Footballer's Wife

Can't decide which Posh Spice hairstyle to copy? Then copy both at the same time! At least, that's what Eva Longoria has decided to do. She's gone and got herself a head full of hateful extensions and then chopped the front into the old asymmetrical Victoria Beckham bob. So Eva's rolled trashy footballer's wife and trashy footballer's wife trying to distance herself from the trash into one. Now that's class.

(Btw, sorry for the lack of posts recently but I haven't had a broadband internet connection for a while).